AIBU to think that I must just naturally attract abusers? [Edited by MNHQ]

[nananoon]

I'm in my late 20s, single with one child.

Partner number 1: lovely for a year, then spent 3 years angry, abusive, violent towards me. Punched the wall next to my head, screamed at me, slept with my friend (I caught them in bed together) all whilst I was the most attentive, kind girlfriend.

Partner number 2: visited escorts repeatedly behind my back, used drugs on nights out and would come home demanding sex, had an addiction to pornography, used to masturbate in bed next to me every morning.

Partner 3: turns out was using steroids, slept with his clients behind my back, all unknown to me.

Partner 4: angry, aggressive, has temper problems, emotionally abusive.

You might think that I must have something wrong with me, but I'm a very normal, very kind compassionate person. I'm not thick, I have 3 university degrees and have a professional job. I'm a good mother, I adore my family, I volunteer with the homeless. I'm generally a nice kind person. None of that is a boast, I just want people to see I'm not an arsehole that deserves these kind of men.

They all seem lovely to start, but then end up abusing me or mistreating me. So AIBU to think that as well as these men having something wrong with them, that I must have something wrong with me too? A sign on my forehead maybe? I'm a single mum to a 6th month old, I'm absolutely desperate to know what it's like to be in a loving relationship...

I’ve done the freedom project. It’s great. Very empowering. You don’t share personal stories unless you want too. They just cover the different types of men and help empower you to make more informed choices

I get it OP. I'm very much the same as you, not sure what your childhood is like. I was lucky to have an amazing dad. There for me day in day out, a feminist, a provider, a friend. So I do know exactly what a good man looks like.
Unfortunately my mum was a alcoholic and abusive in such subtle ways that it's taken me years to realise what happened to me.
I think my problem could be that I am painfully loyal to the people I love. Protect them at all costs even when they're not protecting me, or if they are the ones doing the actual harm. It's very hard to rewire your brain that that isn't love

People tell me I'm too nice a lot.

Practically speaking, how does too nice manifest itself? Given your history, it sounds like there’s probably valuable lessons/ patterns of behaviour from each relationship you have learnt.

As much as you may be attracting them, you may also be selecting them. Do they have an edge of danger and excitement that later manifests as these abusive behaviors?

Getting into an abusive relationship CAN happen to any woman. Not just the so-called "softies". A tough, independent, successful lady is just as likely to wake up one morning and realise she's married to an abusive man as a more meek, gentle or "nice" woman.

The reason being is that these abusive men HATE women. All of them.

The hate women for being naive, vulnerable or too "nice" for their own good, so they take advantage and punish them for it. They equally hate woman who apparently "take no shit" and seemingly enjoy the extra challenge of bringing them down a peg or two. They just hate all women because deep down these men subconsciously know that they are disgusting, reprehensible cunts and so they despise any woman who gives them the time of day. Sometimes they deliberately set out to manipulate her into a relationship with fake decency only to then turn on her later and punish her for "falling for his bullshit" for the rest of the relationship.

You bear no responsibility for having been abused by these sickening people. It's all on them. You may well have just been unlucky (I do feel that a lot of men have the capability to be abusive, sadly, so it may just be a numbers game). If you feel you're in some sort of pattern then definitely a bit of counselling might help unpick times where you perhaps ignored your intuition along the way (as humans we are all guilty of this when we're hoping for things to work out). But it really isn't your fault OP. It's their fault. And I'm sorry you met them all.

I've always thought abusive men are jealous of some of the qualities we women posses so decide its easier to hate us and bring us down low instead. Either way it's so wrong and we as society need to be looking at the abusers, not the victims for answers.

Be on your own for a bit. You're a strong single mama and you need no man in your life unless he's bringing only assets to your table. When you are ready to date, remember that you and your baby deserve only the cream of the crop so don't be afraid to ditch any guy you may be seeing in the first couple of weeks/months if there's any hint of headfuckery. Better 100 failed relationships than one everlasting abusive one...xxx