AIBU to think that I must just naturally attract abusers? [Edited by MNHQ]

[nananoon]

I'm in my late 20s, single with one child.

Partner number 1: lovely for a year, then spent 3 years angry, abusive, violent towards me. Punched the wall next to my head, screamed at me, slept with my friend (I caught them in bed together) all whilst I was the most attentive, kind girlfriend.

Partner number 2: visited escorts repeatedly behind my back, used drugs on nights out and would come home demanding sex, had an addiction to pornography, used to masturbate in bed next to me every morning.

Partner 3: turns out was using steroids, slept with his clients behind my back, all unknown to me.

Partner 4: angry, aggressive, has temper problems, emotionally abusive.

You might think that I must have something wrong with me, but I'm a very normal, very kind compassionate person. I'm not thick, I have 3 university degrees and have a professional job. I'm a good mother, I adore my family, I volunteer with the homeless. I'm generally a nice kind person. None of that is a boast, I just want people to see I'm not an arsehole that deserves these kind of men.

They all seem lovely to start, but then end up abusing me or mistreating me. So AIBU to think that as well as these men having something wrong with them, that I must have something wrong with me too? A sign on my forehead maybe? I'm a single mum to a 6th month old, I'm absolutely desperate to know what it's like to be in a loving relationship...

I bear absolutely no responsibility at all for being abused.

Quite right.

Ignore the absolute dinosaurs and fools on the thread.

Make a list of the helpful suggestions here. I wish you luck

I don't have much else to add- just to say that I totally get it, nananoon, as I've been there myself and understand how easy it is to get sucked in to a life where your boundaries are gradually eroded until you barely recognise yourself. You sound highly intelligent and more than able to stick up for yourself in your posts. I think all those people who assert that this would never happen to them when they encounter people who have lived with DV (or that there is a certain type of person this happens to) should change that to 'there, but for the grace of god go I'.
I've been single now for over 10 years, and I feel that that has been the right choice for me.

One of the ways loving parents can accidentally programme their children to tolerate abuse is by bringing them up to be polite, respectful, obedient, considerate- all good qualities, but you have to allow the child to put themselves first.

I think this is a big part of why my father targetted other evangelicals and those from similar nice backgrounds. The whole if you're obedient enough, good things will happen and bad things are either a test or a punishment really makes it so much harder for those surrounded by that attitude to not take the abuse and a relationship failing as a personal fault that they can make better. That they can do enough to deserve a good relationship with this person if they try harder. It's an absolute mindfuck and it makes it so hard to help people stuck in that because it's not just not seeing the red flags in the relationship but the whole mindset and often actions of the community that make it so difficult.

I see a lot of similar attitudes in other communities and it can be hard trying to discuss finding that balance in having the 'good kids' and helping our kids have the skills and mindsets to understand when they're not being respected and the actions they can and should take then.

Of course no woman is ever responsible for being abused...

All you can do op, is to be aware, cautious, informed and ready to walk away if someone shows signs of control...as l said before abusers are very clever often.

If it can happen to literally anyone, was nananoon just unlucky in it happening four times? I am not being goady, i genuinely dont get how the experts on this thread say 'it can happen to anyone' but simultaneously recommend the freedom programme etc. Surely, either there are ways to recognise the early signs of abuse (viz the shark cage), and some women are better at doing this than others, or there arent, and that pretty much reads like a counsel of despair, ie yep any woman can be trapped in an abusive situation, better just cross my fingers and hope it doesnt happen to me?

You are in your late twenties but have had four partners. I think you are too quick to hook up with men and let them into your life without getting to know them first, consequently you only find out about their character flaws once you are already committed. This does not in any way excuse their behaviour, which sounds appalling. You need to take a step back and ask yourself why you want to be in any particular relationship. These men give you neither security or happiness. Be more picky and don't rush in.

And now I'm nearly 30 and have wasted so much time. I'm scared because I want more children but I'm absolutely never going to allow myself to be in that kind of relationship again. I'm scared that I won't meet anyone nice, anyone kind, and actually, as much as I am in no rush to meet anyone, I would like to eventually. I don't like the idea of being single for 10 years. A couple maybe. I'm just so confused and wish I had recognised that I've clearly got a problem much earlier.

Cole, I get that I'm hitting a sore spot for you, and I'm sorry.

Cole, I get that I'm hitting a sore spot for you, and I'm sorry.

What you're "hitting" Bluntness is all the worst advice you can possibly give a DV survivor.

I'm scared that I won't meet anyone nice, anyone kind, and actually, as much as I am in no rush to meet anyone, I would like to eventually.

Honestly for now I think you should just be focusing on your baby not worrying about the future or meeting anyone.

This really is the main difference I see between women who end up in continuous abusive relationships and women who don’t.

Op please don't say you have wasted so much time...
You have
an excellent education and qualifications
a wonderful child
possible lots of friends and family who love you.
a home

You are
Successful
l am guessing solvent
a mother

Many, many people don't have any of those things at 30!!

Relax your attitude and mindset, you have up to 10 years to have more children, should you not find the perfect partner to have them with then you have time to create a situation, where you have another child alone or adopt...there are myriad solutions to your concerns.

Life very rarely goes to plan for any of us, learn to be happy where you are now...learn to enjoy what you have , it is plenty.
In time with luck the rest will come.

Hi all,

We've edited the title of the thread now as it was causing upset.

OP no experience is ever a waste. You're thirty and you have a lovely baby, a good CV (by the sounds of it) and increasing clarity on what you want from life. That's not as bad as you might think.

If the previous exs werent abusive would we be having this discussion? The blame is only on them, i am quite shocked at some of these responses tbh.

Whilst i agree it is wise to not ignore red flags, sometimes a red flag to one person isnt to another, whether thats due to past relationships/upbringing. Its not always clear cut.

Just know OP, your exs action do not represent you as a person anyone can be subject to abuse. Yes even the intelligent put up with no shit from no one, types!

"I have 3 university degrees and have a professional job"

What's that got to do with anything though? If you had one degree and worked in admin, would it be OK to abuse you?

@Bluntness100 - I agree with you. It's not a popular opinion because there's a tendency for a knee-jerk reaction to it.

I grew up in an abusive household. I chose abusive men. This is patently not my fault. But I am the only person who can sort it out (they certainly couldn't), therefore it is my responsibility to explore and investigate my formative family dynamics, and how that has affected my ability to choose men in my life.

I am responsible for my life; no-one else. If I had grown up with parents who had had enough insight to take responsibility for their lives, then perhaps I would have had a better chance of forging healthy adult relationships. They were not. I refuse to perpetuate the pattern of unconsciousness.

I am also not a victim. (Not a popular position either.) The moment I am able to see these dynamics in action, and my own part in them, I can no longer be a victim.

"If a man abused me I would walk away."

That's easier to say than do though. I can see how in reality you might stay if you loved him.

@Gwenhwyfar it means I'm confident and fairly intelligent and able to make good life choices and decisions. That I'm successful in every aspect of my life apart from in relationships. And that's the one thing I need to change.

Why are some people so hell bent on twisting your words and making out that you're saying something you're not?

There's some truth that abused women will attract abused men but it goes much deeper than that and it is not their fault.

Being lovely and passive in nature or whatever shouldn't be an invitation to be abused but unfortunately there's people out their that see that and go on to abuse.

My first ltr was abusive and I left traumatised and with a baby. Jumped into another relationship still shaken and vulnerable. He didn't abuse me but I went along and compromised on things that I shouldn't have in a relationship that just wasn't meant to be, I was coasting and miserable.

I had cbt and read lundy Bancroft book as well as having spent a few yrs on mn, by this point my view of how relationships are meant to be changed for the better but mostly I was comfortable with myself by the end of the relationship.

After that relationship ended I have stayed single since and developed my expectations of relationships and my own self esteem.

Focus on you and your baby for now, I'm not saying staying single is better or not but knowing your worth is paramount and no relationship is better than a bad one.

Abusers seek out the abused. They love bomb them. They tell them they would never hurt them. Then they do. And they say it’s their fault. It must be it’s happened more than once now.

Definitely look at the freedom project. Also go old fashioned for dating
-introduced by a friend
-no more than ten mins phone contact a day. So no endless reams of texts or phone calls.
-couple of dates a week max
-no sex straight away.

Abusers use anonymity, contact control, lovebombing and sex to control

OP I do get what you mean. I stayed in an abusive relationship for a decade putting up with the most awful treatment, and I often look back and wonder what was ‘wrong’ with me to let someone treat me like that.

My parents are wonderful people but their relationship definitely wasn’t the happiest (they’re divorced now) and I think I grew up thinking that fighting, shouting, storming out and sulking after a row was just ‘normal’ for grown ups in a relationship. I don’t think either of my parents was absuve to the other, but they didn’t communicate very well and so when my abusive partner started to shout and swear at me I think I just accepted it as part of a healthy relationship.

I also went to a rather posh school where there was this pervasive emphasis on being nice polite young ladies who did as we were told. I had a few bullying problems too and I grew up desperate to be a good girl who everyone liked. Unfortunately I think that made me an absolutely classic target for an abuser. I basically couldn’t say no to him and went along with anything and everything for fear of rocking the boat. Even when that meant staying with him when I was unhappy, because I knew he didn’t want to break up and I didn’t want to upset him.

None of this means I think I deserved abuse or that it was my fault, but I’ve found it helpful to think about what led me to stay in that situation for so long, so that it won’t ever happen again.

Hi nananoon,

We just wondered if you'd like us to move your thread over to our Relationships topic? We can see you're getting some good advice here but posts in AIBU can also be blunt at times, so let us know if you'd like us to move the thread. (just report this post).

We can see that a number of posters have suggested the Freedom Programme - please do take a look at the link here. They run an online course which costs £12 and we know it's helped many Mumsnetters over the years.

Here too is a link to our Domestic Violence webguide which contains links to many organisations which can offer you some real life support.

And finally, here's a link to Gingerbread which provides support (including local support groups) for single parent families.

Sending good wishes

Agree with everything longearedbat said: you're young and otherwise grounded, what's the rush? Take it slow. Celebrate the things that make you happy in life, work on the things that don't. I know someone exactly like you OP, it took her many attempts to find a sane, gentle guy to settle down with. She also has four wonderful daughters and a great job.

@JoMumsnet that would be great. Thank you x