AIBU to think that I must just naturally attract abusers? [Edited by MNHQ]

[nananoon]

I'm in my late 20s, single with one child.

Partner number 1: lovely for a year, then spent 3 years angry, abusive, violent towards me. Punched the wall next to my head, screamed at me, slept with my friend (I caught them in bed together) all whilst I was the most attentive, kind girlfriend.

Partner number 2: visited escorts repeatedly behind my back, used drugs on nights out and would come home demanding sex, had an addiction to pornography, used to masturbate in bed next to me every morning.

Partner 3: turns out was using steroids, slept with his clients behind my back, all unknown to me.

Partner 4: angry, aggressive, has temper problems, emotionally abusive.

You might think that I must have something wrong with me, but I'm a very normal, very kind compassionate person. I'm not thick, I have 3 university degrees and have a professional job. I'm a good mother, I adore my family, I volunteer with the homeless. I'm generally a nice kind person. None of that is a boast, I just want people to see I'm not an arsehole that deserves these kind of men.

They all seem lovely to start, but then end up abusing me or mistreating me. So AIBU to think that as well as these men having something wrong with them, that I must have something wrong with me too? A sign on my forehead maybe? I'm a single mum to a 6th month old, I'm absolutely desperate to know what it's like to be in a loving relationship...

This just makes me feel like it's my fault. Not sure why.

That was not my intention at all. I suggested counselling to try and work out why you stay with people who do not treat you well. Once that is identified you can work on not letting it happen again so you can have the life you deserve.

Op- I agree some women do attract these kind of men - I know because I was one of them. Not sure i'd call that 'victim blaming' though

Its true that some women can't spot abusive men and dont walk away as the red flags get raised and it's totally unhelpful to deny that. That doesnt mean its their fault they end up in abusive relationships and its not victim-blaming to point it out. It does mean that help is available - read the "shark cage" article above then check out the "Freedom programme" which runs in most areas.

If a man abused me I would walk away.

And have you ever been abused?

Also people seem to forget that the point of leaving is when women in these relationships are at most risk of being killed by these scumbags.

Where do you pick up your partener?
Maybe that has something to do with it?
There are some nice blokes out there you just need to know where to look

@fuzzyduck1 first at university, second at work, third online, fourth through a friend.

I think that there are various elements.

From the Woman's side, it can be that there are numerous things going on.

But abusive Men are very good at what they do. They live bomb you at the start, find out all about you and then use what they can against you.

They pick vulnerable points in your life to get to you.

Emotional abuse is the worse for this. Unless you still have a good circle of people, who will tell you to get out, early on, you get trapped easily.

OP my DD is coming to the end of the Freedom programme, she got on to hers via a local DV Charity Service.

I would definitely recommend it. I had learned a lot, when I had doubts over a relationship that I was in, by reading through the links on the relationship board.

It's about spotting red flags early on. Having strong boundaries and no compromise on what you want.

We are all socialised differently. We have our individual history. Were we are, income, family, friends wise makes a difference.

It is a myth that Women with low self esteem, are the ones most likely to be in an abusive relationship, there are lots of factors.

Abusive Men like to tear down strong/independent Women.

A lot of people say "if this happened to me i would do x, y z" when in reality anyone can be a victim. Sometimes the abuse doesnt start until well into the relationship. Then it was "just the once" or "he was really stressed" throw kids or a joint house together and it gets even messier.

Dont blame yourself OP, or the choices of men. Abusers cab be very smart and pick up on the slightest bit of insecurity, or wait until you are "stuck" with them so to speak, thats why DV is known to ramp up during pregnancy.

Nobody's forgetting that saxa although it's not really the point of this thread.

Nana I could have written your post.

You need a long break away from any kind of relationship. Do lots of self work, esteem building. Read as much material you can unhealthy relationships and early warning signs. Change your goal for your life. Focus on your son and a career.

Make meeting a partner some thing that would be nice but not totally necessary. Focus on making you and your son always top priority.

Now you have a child you have to be even more in your guard as some men will see your child as a tool to show horn themselves in very quickly as it’s instinctual for us to replicate a ‘normal’ family.

There are amazing men. It took me a loooong time to meet Dh. He was actually the only bloke I didnt see any potential in, I was just bored and thought it would make a change going out - two kids later and married

However - nobody really knows anybody. You just have to make wise choices and hope for the best

I would love to think that if a man abused me I would walk away. In practice I don't actually know if I would be strong enough. You have managed it four times - you need to hold on to the fact that you know what is right and what isn't. You are the only person whose behaviour you have control over.

I have had similar experiences Op and I've agonised over how it kept happening (single now for 6 years and plan on keeping it so) . Men aren't generally abusive at the start of a relationship , only when it is more established and it's not as if they have it tattooed on their head, so how does one know ?

@Birdsgottafly I'm viewed by the outside world as a very independent person. I was promoted at 24 to management, I've worked in a job in the past that actually required me to restrain people, often men and I was very good at it. Nothing scares me apart from the men I end up with. I'm confident, I do public speaking, I wouldn't change anything about my appearance... I just seem to be unable to have a normal relationship. It's like I'm broken in that area...

"Now I'm a single mum with nothing. I'm in the pits"

I think thinking that your failing because you haven't had a on-going relationship isn't helpfull.

To you as a person, in essence, why would having a relationship mean you've got things right? As opposed to other areas of your life?

Ginger1982, abuse doesn't just happen out of no-where, especially emotional abuse. It creeps up. By that time you could be, tied because of property/debt, pregnant/new baby etc.

OP, I have a friend who has been in a series of abusive relationships. It's been eye opening because, as friends, we haven't always known what's gone on behind closed doors either. Sometimes it really is impossible to tell on the outside looking in.

The only thing I can say is that she (like you, extremely lovely and kind) has very low self esteem. You don't say if you feel like this or not but you also sound very desperate for a partner. Quite rightly so as you've been hurt. But being alone is ok too.

She has also tolerated behaviour that I know most would find unacceptable and is then very secretive about it, which I guess enables that behaviour. As friends, we haven't been let in until way too late.

No one deserves this behaviour or brings it on themselves. Abusers don't wear little signs round their necks.

I hope you find a decent man. I promise there are plenty out there. And congrats on leaving no. 4

This just makes me feel like it's my fault

It is categorically not your fault, OP. These men are the ones to blame.

However, while not blaming yourself, I think you can take some responsibility for trying to ensure that you protect yourself (and your child) in your next relationship. Do the freedom programme. Work on your self esteem. Learn about early warning signs of abusive men and be quicker to act on them rather than giving someone too many chances.

@saxatablesalt

I was not victim blaming. I was trying to suggest a way the op can break the cycle of poor relationships she has found herself in.

And to answer your question, I have been in abusive relationships. What helped me is finding out why I made the decisions I did, acted the way I did and my life is much better for it.

Hey. It isn't your fault. these men are choosing to abuse you, you didn't cause it. I know it sounds trite, but it's true.

I had several abusive relationships in my twenties, but am now with a wonderful, honest genuine man. It is possible to break the cycle, and recognising there is a pattern is the first step towards breaking it.

For me, I consistently chose guys that ignored my boundaries and wouldn't take no for an answer from the start. This is a huge red flag. We culturally seem to think it's romantic when a guy is so crazy for you he chases you incredibly persistently. It's not. It's a sign that he actually doesn't give a shit about your needs, and will continue to prioritise his wants, often to the point of abuse later on.

Good men sense your reluctance to date, take no for an answer and leave you be. I was really wary of guys, so was putting off the nice respectful ones with my 'not interested' vibe.

I learnt a LOT about setting healthy boundaries etc from the baggage reclaim site and there's loads of useful articles there about all kinds of bad relationship dynamics. I'd definitely recommend seeing if it helps you get some clarity. having healthy boundaries really is important in breaking the cycle, and also being able to spot the guys that consistently ignore boundaries so you can swerve before getting involved.

Also get the lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that'. It really helped me see that what I went through was abuse and that there are patterns to it we can spot.

@HeyPesto55 She has also tolerated behaviour that I know most would find unacceptable and is then very secretive about it,

I do this too. It's almost like I'm trying to convince everyone that I'm in a wonderful loving relationship in order for them to not judge me.

@RiddleyW that shark analogy was brilliant. I'm going to share that with a colleague at school. Thanks for posting

I echo the posters saying it may be attachment issues or low self esteem. You say how very kind and compassionate you are which is lovely, but perhaps you put others before yourself which results in putting up with behaviour that you shouldn't?

You can refer yourself to get some counseling/CBT. And there isn't always a big huge wait - my referral took 6 weeks. Good luck!

I think you get so used to it over time that you stop seeing it. My husband had to cheat and leave before I realised what a complete twat he is, despite all my friends knowing this already! I hope you find a nice partner OP, you deserve one.

I'm actually a bit desperate to know what it's like to be in a normal relationship. I don't want a relationship now and I am not actively seeking to meet anyone. I doubt many men would be attracted to me whilst I'm breastfeeding a small baby anyway which is fine. I just have a real longing to be with someone who will so much and ask me how my day was and actually care about the answer.

I'd say the truth is that abusive men are much more common than people think they are.

This is what I think too. Also, men generally don’t face any consequences so if one woman escapes they just abuse another.