AIBU to think that I must just naturally attract abusers? [Edited by MNHQ]

[nananoon]

I'm in my late 20s, single with one child.

Partner number 1: lovely for a year, then spent 3 years angry, abusive, violent towards me. Punched the wall next to my head, screamed at me, slept with my friend (I caught them in bed together) all whilst I was the most attentive, kind girlfriend.

Partner number 2: visited escorts repeatedly behind my back, used drugs on nights out and would come home demanding sex, had an addiction to pornography, used to masturbate in bed next to me every morning.

Partner 3: turns out was using steroids, slept with his clients behind my back, all unknown to me.

Partner 4: angry, aggressive, has temper problems, emotionally abusive.

You might think that I must have something wrong with me, but I'm a very normal, very kind compassionate person. I'm not thick, I have 3 university degrees and have a professional job. I'm a good mother, I adore my family, I volunteer with the homeless. I'm generally a nice kind person. None of that is a boast, I just want people to see I'm not an arsehole that deserves these kind of men.

They all seem lovely to start, but then end up abusing me or mistreating me. So AIBU to think that as well as these men having something wrong with them, that I must have something wrong with me too? A sign on my forehead maybe? I'm a single mum to a 6th month old, I'm absolutely desperate to know what it's like to be in a loving relationship...

When does one become qualified exactly to give advice on this subject? Those who have lived through it and have come out the other side or those who work with abuse victims or those who have friends going through it? Surely all of those views would be valid. Not sure any one has the right to shut other people down as has been happening on this thread.

Is Partner no.4 your baby's father?
Be careful that he does not continue to abuse you, but in different ways. If you haven't done so, set up Maintenance and Contact arrangements via court so you have them set out clearly and can go back when he starts to bend or break them.

I think to be honest you are naive. You are kind and nice and naive about how other people actually are and what they want from you. You think 'they are really nice, maybe I've met the one', and they probably say all the right things to you that make you believe that more. But what you aren't seeing is the mask they are wearing. People like this are overly charming, and I dont trust overly charming people because more often than not, they have an agenda. Whether that's good or bad remains to be seen, but they will still use you. You are naive in that you don't see this and just think they are nice. Leaves you vulnerable to cons.

If something sounds too good to be true, why is that? Why have you just, say, stumbled upon a man who is so overly nice, fully understands you and your son immediately, thinks you're amazing and so kind and funny and sweet and wants to be with you forever? Bit random that isn't it? Because it's often too good to be true. I imagine that's how your relationships often start, with or without your sons involvement. And then once they have you hooked, they change. Slowly or fast, doesn't really matter, but you're already hooked so you stay, even for a bit.

You need to see the world and people for what they really are, not what you believe them to be capable of. There are far more scammers and abusers out there than anyone would like to think possible, trust me. Be less naive, take things slower, believe that people aren't all capable of being nice and you'll get further with relationships. Because you won't be dragged in by the false.

I'm confident. Have high self esteem. I speak publicly. I would happily put a man in his place at work if I needed to (a woman also). I am only this way in relationships.

I understand OP. This could have been written by me a few years ago. I have 3 degrees, successful career and seen by outside world as high functioning but had pattern of awful toxic relationships with abusers.

The only advice here is: please seek talking therapy. No, the abuse is not your fault. But you DO bear the responsibility to understand your own pattern of behaviour and then seek to change. You have tolerated this behaviour and you need to understand why. IMO you're not going to find the answer by asking on MN. You're only going to get to the bottom of this by proper therapy over a period of time. As an intelligent woman please follow this advice.

I wish you luck as someone who has had 4 years of therapy and dismantled my old patterns of behaviour (now in a wonderful healthy relationship with someone who respects me and treats me as I deserve to be treated).

[quote nananoon]@JoMumsnet that would be great. Thank you x[/quote]

That's fine - we're moving it over now.

Not sure any one has the right to shut other people down as has been happening on this thread.

Well I stated that I have no experience or academic knowledge of any kind, so I'm perfectly happy to be corrected.

I think there is a difference between being naive and being naive psychologically conditioned in to ending up with men like this. I think to simply call me naive is belittling and oversimplification of something which is actually much more complex....

Ignore that second naive...

Nanamoon, sorry to keep banging on about it, but why are you blanking all the recommendations to do the Freedom Programme, a programme which was written for women who keep getting into abusive relationships?

Just seems odd that you haven't mentioned it once.

It's not naive it's optimistic

So your explanation of 'its my fault' makes more sense? OK then.. I think it's naivety, it's not confidence clearly as you've got plenty of that, but you fall for scams ergo naivety. Call it optimistic if you want to, but scammers prey on the naive.

@sackrifice I haven't ignored it, sorry. Ive actually been researching it over the last hour. Im going to call my local women's aid who are able to advise on this and can have you put on a waiting list.

Have you seen the online version I linked to?

Even if you want to the RL one too, you could make a start with the online one.

I have seen that it's available @ColeHawlins - I'm actually quite anxious about doing it.

Oh no, why?

@Deadbydaylight

That was tongue in cheek, obvs

I'm actually quite anxious about doing it.

That's what I thought.

It isn't about beating you up, it is about showing what you need to look for and to guide you to healthy relationships [not just personal ones] in the future.

It is really positive and empowering content OP.

ShabbyAbby yeah but people don't like to think of themselves as naive, as the op has shown. Prefer optimistic.

Those who have lived through it and have come out the other side or those who work with abuse victims

Most of us who work with abuse victims do have lived experience.

I don't think having a friend going through it makes you an expert on the subject, no.

OP, please seek therapy.

OP - I too have bounced from one abusive relationship to another. My self esteem was on the floor and I didn't want to give the nice men a chance because I thought I wasn't worth them.

I had a rough childhood and thought they would run a mile. I also had "goofy" teeth and thought no decent man would fancy me.

The other aspect and the bit that I think you might relate to, is wanting to help people, I always said I don't judge people's past, I judge people on how they treat me. It led to me giving men a chance that most women wouldn't have gone near. But it was down to me having a rough past and thinking that I didn't want them to judge me so I wouldn't judge them.

I wanted to help them, I wanted to rescue them I suppose, it was subconscious at the time but I can see it now.

So you are not on your own at all. You aren't the only one. I read a couple of books that I can really recommend, Why does he do that and living with the dominator.

Reading these books helped me to see that all my exes fit into the categories and how to see them for what they are.

There is a difference between blame/fault and responsibility.

The blame and fault is always with the abuser. The responsibility is however partially shared. I grew up in an abusive home. I have witnessed and endured more abuse than many people could stomach and posters making assumptions about others should not. You don't know who is posting or what they have survived.

And. I stand by my view that blame/fault v responsibility are two very different things, and that anyone who has been abused needs to take some responsibility for their own actions to be able to move forward and form healthy relationships.

Telling an adult who continually finds them self in mid to long term relationships with men who abuse them that it's just something that happens to them, they bear no small level of personal responsibility to themselves is not going to help someone in my view. This does not mean they are to blame, it simply means they need to take responsibility for their own actions in staying, understanding why they didn't recognise the red flags, and what help they need to be able to make themselves whole again and form healthy relationships in future. To know when to walk away and when to stay.

And it seems the op is doing this, she's looking at the freedom program , she's questioning why she attracted these men, why she got involved with these men and stayed so long. And that's a positive, because understanding it, will help her avoid it in the future. Which is what she and everyone else wants for her.

I think like in anything in life, you do the best with what you know, and when you know better you do better.
Does that mean you can avoid abusers? Not necessarily. But you at least aim to not fall for the same tactics or miss the same red flags again. You may still fall prey, and that is not on you, but it is still important to be as best prepared with the facts as you can be.
That's why we read these books, and do the programmes, and attend therapy or counselling. We do it because we are trying to give ourselves the best odds possible and not repeat a pattern. We try to change the pattern, or break it. We try to avoid getting hurt again, or modelling this behaviour to our kids. And sometimes we fail to protect ourselves or those we love despite our best intentions. In which case, we try try and try again.

What is your attitude to your own anger, OP? I ask, because many 'nice' compassionate women are just not in touch with these feelings; they reason them away, sanitise them and see them as a fault to be ashamed of. If you grew up in a family where anger was something to be escaped from or repressed, you may have had an outwardly stable and happy upbringing but one where emotional honesty was dangerous and certain topics not mentioned.

This can be very damaging. I see anger as the emotional immune system in action, alerting you to attacks on your self and identity and abuses of your power. If you can't use it properly, it turns inwards and attacks your self esteem, which is what convinces you to accept poor treatment.

Culturally we have a problem with women expressing anger. Women are supposed to be reasonable and not draw attention to themselves. They can be 'assertive' in particular settings and situations, unless the other party refuses to budge, in which case asserting oneself further suddenly becomes 'aggressive'. You may find that you have a lot to process when you find your anger as there will be a legacy from years of having your basic rights trampled on.