AIBU to think that I must just naturally attract abusers? [Edited by MNHQ]

[nananoon]

I'm in my late 20s, single with one child.

Partner number 1: lovely for a year, then spent 3 years angry, abusive, violent towards me. Punched the wall next to my head, screamed at me, slept with my friend (I caught them in bed together) all whilst I was the most attentive, kind girlfriend.

Partner number 2: visited escorts repeatedly behind my back, used drugs on nights out and would come home demanding sex, had an addiction to pornography, used to masturbate in bed next to me every morning.

Partner 3: turns out was using steroids, slept with his clients behind my back, all unknown to me.

Partner 4: angry, aggressive, has temper problems, emotionally abusive.

You might think that I must have something wrong with me, but I'm a very normal, very kind compassionate person. I'm not thick, I have 3 university degrees and have a professional job. I'm a good mother, I adore my family, I volunteer with the homeless. I'm generally a nice kind person. None of that is a boast, I just want people to see I'm not an arsehole that deserves these kind of men.

They all seem lovely to start, but then end up abusing me or mistreating me. So AIBU to think that as well as these men having something wrong with them, that I must have something wrong with me too? A sign on my forehead maybe? I'm a single mum to a 6th month old, I'm absolutely desperate to know what it's like to be in a loving relationship...

What's wrong with the thread title - given op is talking about her self?

@TapasForTwo never moved in with any before 18 months. One I never lived with at all.

Nevermind @Vulpine

I don’t think you 'attract' abusers but at the first signs of abuse, many other women would have walked away. I would suggest counselling to help you identify why you stayed in that relationship (I am assuming you could have left it) and those other relationships

Complete nonsense. Abusive relationships can happen to any woman and most start very subtly, so that you are then trapped.

I work in DV. It's a dangerous myth that abusive relationships only happen to "damaged" women. I'd say the truth is that abusive men are much more common than people think they are.

I know how you feel and I'm sure my latest twat has hacked my phone as everytime I post my phone goes nuts and throw s me out

nananoon I have a lovely and very intelligent friend who can’t seem to spot an arsehole. She always ends up saying things like “he was so nice to me before” and I’d think not really. Like superficially nice maybe but they’re always just a bit off. I don’t know what the answer is - my friend has been single now for about 6 years.

I think it’s a brilliant start that you’re recognising the problem.

I don’t think you 'attract' abusers but at the first signs of abuse, many other women would have walked away.

This just makes me feel like it's my fault. Not sure why.

nananoon I'm not surprised, that post was victim blaming. I work in this area. It is categorically not your fault my love.

You’re possibly too nice and compassionate if anything.

Sounds like you have the personality type that wants to fix broken men.

I just feel pathetic and like such an embarrassment to my family. They must talk about this and how I attract horrid men. Now I'm a single mum with nothing. I'm in the pits. I imagined my life so differently

It's incredibly common for women who have one abusive partner to have a succession of them. I learned it's to do with projection.
Sub consciously, you will be projecting an image of yourself worth to people around you. It's almost like a magnet. The abusers don't necessarily actively seek you out. Initially many of them have good intentions. But you will find they will always behave the same way and you will always attract subconsciously that type of person.

There is every change somewhere in your life, something has happened to damage your self worth. You may know you're worth more, but you need to feel it too. The two things are very different.
You have everything else in your life all organised and working well. Powering ahead convincing yourself.
Definitely seek some help as it will go along way to breaking the cycle.
This is not your fault though. You do not deserve this behaviour.

Abusive men often go for extremely nice, kind women because they know they will often be easier to control.

Op, family members of mine have been where you are and no one bitches about them, we just bitch about the awful men who have abused them.

Cokehawlins - that was a genuine question

People tell me I'm too nice a lot. I just want to know that in the future I will find a man who will love me, and will be a role model to my son. It won't happen anytime soon as I'm not ready (plus I have a baby to focus on) but I would love to know what it's like to be with someone who treats me well.

I think anyone can end up in an abusive relationship.

But, when it happens repeatedly I think it’s a combination of things (this is all just my opinion btw) abusive men will target women they see vulnerability in and some women don’t spot the red flags, not like the last abisuve one is better, even if there are different red flags.

There's an interesting section in the gaslighting book by Stephanie Sarkis on this. She's talking about online dating profiles, but I guess it applies to most situations. She says if your profile indicates that if you've been single for a while, you've had multiple relationships, you have a terrible ex, you've been abused in the past, you see the best in everyone, etc., then you may as well paint a bullseye target on yourself as these are the very vulnerabilities that abusers look for. They think you will be more tolerant of bad behaviour. They target people who are vulnerable, needy and wounded.

I think you’re right op.
I’ve never had an abusive relationship, yet my friend seemed to bounce from abusive relationship to abusive relationship.
She finally found a decent guy and I think that’s coming to an end now because he’s ‘too nice’ 🤦🏻‍♀️
I did a days volunteering through a DV charity as part of a work thing. They said that the same women come through their doors all the time going from abusive relationship to a shove relationship.

It’s very sad and I despise men who think they can treat women this way 😔

I've got a shit track record with men. Ive never been abused but I have been conned out of money. My husband was a secret heroin user and I had no idea until I found him dead. I'm also well educated and financially independent. Ive had lots of counselling but I've pretty much given up and would prefer to just have a fwb now.

Sometimes, some people can subconsciously seek out conflict in a relationship. It can reflect a significant relationship from their childhood and for that reason it feels familiar to them, they think that is how a relationship is.

Cokehawlins - that was a genuine question

It's just not a great headline message. It's a bit victim-blamey. It makes DV seem inevitable (for some), which it isn't. It removes focus from the violent men. And it wasn't actually phrased to be specific to the OP. It's a generalisation.

I do appreciate the actual OP was specifically about OP and her history.

PS just to add, the "bullseye target" are the author's words, not mine. I'm not saying I necessarily agree with the wording add I think it's a bit victim blaming. But I understand the principle behind what she's saying - the vulnerabilities that abusers look out for.

I don't know what happened in my childhood that could have made me like this, if anything did. My mum and Dad split when I was 12 but my dad is wonderful, would never hurt anyone, never abused my mum, they just drifted apart. They're still friends now. I have a brilliant relationship with my siblings. I do remember my mum having an abusive partner but I was fairly well sheltered from that and most of it came out after she left him. I can't think of anything. I had a great childhood.

I think this is complex and possibly something in what you say. I think though it's more these men can work out the type of woman who they may be able to abuse, who will take it and prey on it.

Your history shows that you put up with s lot that others would walk over much sooner, or who would read the riot act in such a way as the behaviour would stop or they would walk.

In the woman and men who I have known who have been in abusive relarionships, they were indeed lovely people. But they were too kind, too tolerant, too meek, too hopefull, too lacking in self esteem to put a stop to it, or walk at the first sign of trouble.

I don't think Jennifer's post was victim blaming. If a man abused me I would walk away. I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest that the OP think about what it was that made her stay in each of these relationships whilst not minimising the men's actions in any way.

If a man abused me I would walk away.

I would probably have said that before it happened.