AIBU to think that I must just naturally attract abusers? [Edited by MNHQ]

[nananoon]

I'm in my late 20s, single with one child.

Partner number 1: lovely for a year, then spent 3 years angry, abusive, violent towards me. Punched the wall next to my head, screamed at me, slept with my friend (I caught them in bed together) all whilst I was the most attentive, kind girlfriend.

Partner number 2: visited escorts repeatedly behind my back, used drugs on nights out and would come home demanding sex, had an addiction to pornography, used to masturbate in bed next to me every morning.

Partner 3: turns out was using steroids, slept with his clients behind my back, all unknown to me.

Partner 4: angry, aggressive, has temper problems, emotionally abusive.

You might think that I must have something wrong with me, but I'm a very normal, very kind compassionate person. I'm not thick, I have 3 university degrees and have a professional job. I'm a good mother, I adore my family, I volunteer with the homeless. I'm generally a nice kind person. None of that is a boast, I just want people to see I'm not an arsehole that deserves these kind of men.

They all seem lovely to start, but then end up abusing me or mistreating me. So AIBU to think that as well as these men having something wrong with them, that I must have something wrong with me too? A sign on my forehead maybe? I'm a single mum to a 6th month old, I'm absolutely desperate to know what it's like to be in a loving relationship...

I would look to your childhood and be honest with yourself because often these women had disruptive, abusive or unloving childhoods.

If this is the case, no amount of therapy is going to change a person's childhood. So is it better to just stay single?

I also think that if you come across as being very independent, self-sufficient, happy alone and not 'needing' to be in a relationship, then the abusive types will be put off as they will realise you will be unlikely to stand for it. Abusive types probably search out women who appear to have low self-esteem and who feel they need to be in a relationship to function/be happy.

Honestly, it's just not the case that "violent men" favour "needy women with low self esteem". That's a popular misconception about DV.

As a PP outlined, research has shown that many abusive men prefer the challenge of bringing a confident woman low.

@nananoon several people have suggested the Freedom Programme. Have you had a look?

I agree bitoffun. There's something really depressing about women constantly questioning themselves like this when the big question really isn't why are women abused but why the fuck do men abuse women?

I think sometimes men see something good, something strong and just want to smash it to pieces.

Focus on warning signs and red flags that men are actually arse holes underneath the charm sure, but don't get caught up in thinking you have ever done anything wrong or that there is some part of you that is broken - you are not the broken one op.

I don't think some women attract abusers, as others have said on the thread, but for reasons I'm unqualified to understand either don't see the red flag, recognise the red flag, or see it but think it's all they deserve.
I've not been abused in a relationship, but have finished ones where something was said or done that I thought was off. Also, when finishing those relationships it wasn't because I thought ' hang on, this is classic first step to an abusive relationship' it will ave been I'd have thought, 'that's weird' or felt uncomfortable/ not normal.
If your self esteem ( or what it is that allows abuse to start) is low I can see your inner voice not recognising that.

Honestly, it's just not the case that "violent men" favour "needy women with low self esteem". That's a popular misconception about DV.

Yes, completely this. You can be the most confident self assured woman on the planet with a lovely supportive family and still fall into an abusive relationship.

People need to stop spreading these dangerous myths.

If you were an aggressive person who wanted to be the big I Am, who wanted someone they could save, rescue, dominate and be the big hero to, would you choose someone who was self-sufficient, independent and full of confidence? Or would you choose someone who was broken by their previous relationship, had low self-esteem and who questioned their own actions and wondered how they’d brought the abuse on themselves?

It’s not your fault x

There's something really depressing about women constantly questioning themselves like this when the big question really isn't why are women abused but why the fuck do men abuse women?

This 100% and while it keeps happening we are never going to make any headway wrt DV.

Abusive types probably search out women who appear to have low self-esteem and who feel they need to be in a relationship to function/be happy.

Total and utter bollocks.

Personally with a 6 month old baby and with your track record ( not your fault, just bad choices in men) I would stay single for the next few years. Learn to love your own company and that of your baby and take men off the radar.

It sounds as if you may be ignoring/not seeing red flags or not finishing the relationship when they first appear.

Difficult to not jump in emotionally when they seem so lovely to begin with, but try and hold back before you invest so heavily emotionally.

@saxatablesalt You could well be right. It could well be bollocks. I have no expertise on the subject - I'm simply guessing. But in my mind it seems like a logical leap to make and I would honestly be interested to hear why you don't think it is.

I think the majority of women are desperate to be in a relationship (with anyone) because society judges you so harshly for being single, especially if you have children. This needs to change.

But in my mind it seems like a logical leap to make and I would honestly be interested to hear why you don't think it is.

Because of my decade long experience working with women in abusive relationships have shown otherwise?

It’s not that you attract bad men it’s that you let them in when other people will have kicked them to the curb at the first red flag. Many people who are in your situation have no clear reference point for how they should be treated which makes it extra hard. But this is why it’s so important to get rid of bad men from your life if you have a daughter and not show he that it’s normal to be treated badly, even at a low level.

None of it is your fault. But you can seek to learn how to avoid it in future and stop the cycle.

saxa - OK, fair enough, and interesting.

When you say that you are kind, what do you mean by that? Do you put other people's needs and preferences before yours? Are you unwilling to contradict someone if they make a decision that isn't what you would choose? Do you think that you should always accept people for what they are rather than judging them?

There could be lots of reasons why you are not noticing where potential partners are transgressing boundaries and where you should stop the relationship developing.

But once into a relationship, it is still normal for people to learn what boundaries have to be respected. Most men are do not come as a perfect match for you and will do things that might be unacceptable or uncomfortable for you. In these cases, you have to be willing to confront them and direct their behaviour into an acceptable range. For example, they might start assuming they can make decisions for you - and you have to reassert that you expect to make decisions yourself. The way that they react and adjust to this tells you whether the relationship is on a good track. If they become abusive or sulk, you have early warning that the relationship is not for you.

Please also remember that abusive men look for vulnerable women.

It's hugely complex, isn't it.

Part of me just thinks it's down to dumb luck, but another part of me thinks there's a lot more to it.

I read about the shark cage theory on here a while ago and it really resonated. I feel as if I have a rock solid shark cage, thanks to a happy childhood and a gentle, loving Dad who told me, just once and in passing, to walk away from any man who even looked as if it might raise a hand to me.

I've been lucky enough never to have been in even a questionable relationship, let alone an abusive one. I find 'bad boys' and ostentatious 'frat boy' types really repellant, even when I was young, which probably helps to wheedle out the worst of mankind.

I'd like to think I would walk away at the first sign - I think I would - but I've never been tested, so who really knows. I have walked away from every relationship I've been in, apart from my marriage with DH, of course.

I read threads on here from women who're with men, and it just seems to be a parallel universe - so far from my reality - where I don't even know how to begin to give advice, so I click on the X in the top right corner and move on.

Your post about your desperation and longing for a normal relationship actually makes me feel a bit anxious for you. You need to forego relationships altogether, but I think your need for a 'normal' relationship will see you succumb to more of the same. I hope I'm wrong.

As a PP outlined, research has shown that many abusive men prefer the challenge of bringing a confident woman low

I'm sorry, but no one can bring you down unless you let them.

And I do think this is the difference, the red flags are always there. Abuse starts off low level and builds, I assume because the fuckers know they can get away with it, but I really do think the key is the strength to walk away when the red flags start emerging. If you don't do that, then it gets worse, until you end up in a deeply abusive relationship.

We have all dated some arseholes in our time. And yes they pull all manner of love bombing shit, but the signs are there, selfishness, little comments, controlling behaviour.

One girl I went to school with married an abuser. He beat the shit out of her, till she eentially got out. I knew them both. She was beyond lovely. But rhe signs were there. He would say things in ear shot. About other people. Nasty things, shocking things, and she would look mortified. Who know what he said about her to her. But she still married him and I couldn't understand why she persevered with such an arsehole.

Everyone knew it was bad, and I personally couldn't be in the same room as him or even look at him, I recall being at a wedding, and her saying don't thr bridesmaids look lovely and he responded with, they look like a bunch of fat cunts to me. I was standing behind him and was shocked, it was so nasty and uncalled for, and rhe bridesmaids were all a size eight to ten.

He was good looking, smooth and professional, to contextualise.

And then years later I met her dad, who told me she'd left him. That he'd been beating her. And sadly I wasn't surprised. He was abusive in his conversation, in his mannerisms, but she couldn't see it.or she didn't want to, or she accepted it.

The point is, many of us would have told him to fuck right off early doors. She didn't. Does it mean she's to blame, no of course not, but it is an example of ignoring the warning signs that everyone could see which led to it.

Of course no one could predict he would be violent. But the point is she tolerated his bullshit in a way that many others would not.

Please also remember that abusive men look for vulnerable women. I've just been told above that that isn't the case.

If you don't want to do the Freedom Programme [available online now] then you might want to reflect on why that is.

Are you chasing that excitement? Are you attracted to men with an edge? Do you look at some women apparently in mundane relationships and think their men might be slightly boring?

There is no doubt that relationships that have highs and lows keeps the excitement but I'd rather have steady and reliable and forgo the highs in order to avoid the lows. Not everybody would be content with that.

Ignore if I'm on totally the wrong track op, but just something to consider.

I'm sorry, but no one can bring you down unless you let them.

So you don't believe in grooming, coercion, brainwashing, manipulation, undue influence or gaslighting of any sort?

Or just when it involves men insidiously victimising women?

Are you chasing that excitement? Are you attracted to men with an edge?

Fuck me, is this "stupid things to say about domestic violence" day or what?