AIBU to think that I must just naturally attract abusers? [Edited by MNHQ]

[nananoon]

I'm in my late 20s, single with one child.

Partner number 1: lovely for a year, then spent 3 years angry, abusive, violent towards me. Punched the wall next to my head, screamed at me, slept with my friend (I caught them in bed together) all whilst I was the most attentive, kind girlfriend.

Partner number 2: visited escorts repeatedly behind my back, used drugs on nights out and would come home demanding sex, had an addiction to pornography, used to masturbate in bed next to me every morning.

Partner 3: turns out was using steroids, slept with his clients behind my back, all unknown to me.

Partner 4: angry, aggressive, has temper problems, emotionally abusive.

You might think that I must have something wrong with me, but I'm a very normal, very kind compassionate person. I'm not thick, I have 3 university degrees and have a professional job. I'm a good mother, I adore my family, I volunteer with the homeless. I'm generally a nice kind person. None of that is a boast, I just want people to see I'm not an arsehole that deserves these kind of men.

They all seem lovely to start, but then end up abusing me or mistreating me. So AIBU to think that as well as these men having something wrong with them, that I must have something wrong with me too? A sign on my forehead maybe? I'm a single mum to a 6th month old, I'm absolutely desperate to know what it's like to be in a loving relationship...

OP, she felt like she didn't want to ruin the image people had of their relationship. I think she also thought that everyone prized his good looks, charm, great job etc. when in reality all that matters is how he's treating her. She also said she was 'hard to live with.'
He obviously confirmed that one for her too.

I think she was trapped in a cycle where she no longer had a grip on reality. I totally relate to that. There is absolutely no shame in admitting you fell for someone who turned out not to be what you thought and then it spiraled out of control.

Please involve friends and family more though. She is learning this through counselling. People can't support you if you don't let them in.

I think it's interesting that you clearly know you are a good person, are academically and professionally successful and yet feel worthless because you haven't got a good relationship.

Thus suggests to me that too much of your self worth is tied up in being with a man. Why is that?

You say you have a wonderful family, but did you grow up with their expectations that you would marry a "nice" man and have 2.4 children? Are you attracted to men of a certain type - e.g. only a certain look, profession, financial situation? I think families can mess with people's minds, without meaning to. And figuring this out can be crucial.

Like others please check out the freedom programme. I have known a couple of women do it (and it can be done as many times as you wish) and seen the most astonishing turnaround in their lives.

I think part of the key is not walking away before the abuse starts and not spotting the red flags. (I say this also as someone who has only ever known quite abusive relationships.)

I think it's at the time when we think it's all "lovely" that we turn a blind eye to sometimes even tiny warning signs. The odd disparaging comment, the way they speak offensively to or about someone else (while they put you on that early days pedestal). The odd "mood" or sulk.

When the abuse has set in I agree it's often very hard to walk away as your finances and family can become enmeshed, and/or your confidence starts to plummet.

You say you're a single mum with "nothing" but it's possible to be single and happy. I'm a single mum with 2 children. I love them to pieces and I love our home. I don't feel the lack of a relationship. I'm not saying it's not tough sometimes (especially in the baby days) but it can be tough for lots of people in all sorts of situations. People really won't be talking about you, they're usually too tied up with their own lives.

People often say take up exercise/try counselling/try a creative hobby/meet other mums at baby groups and it can sound trite. But I really think that over time it does all start to have an impact on how you feel about yourself. I think when you feel stronger and more positive, then's the time to think about another relationship.

Maybe start with one little thing you'd like to change about your situation and focus on that. Eg even if that's getting fitter by power walking with the pushchair!

Definitely do the Freedom Programme. Counselling if you can afford it, too. Don't be afraid of counselling; many people have it even if they dont have any significant issues in their life. It's just a good way to work through any stresses you have currently and any negative thoughts to an impartial person.

"I just seem to be unable to have a normal relationship. It's like I'm broken in that area..."

There's a lot goes on behind closed doors. I've worked in various roles and because of requirement of having to keep information confidential, other people talk to me. I'm trained in Counselling and a good listener.

I wouldn't want most of the 'successful/normal' relationships I witness.

There's a lot of Women living in degrees of the relationships you got out of.

I advise my DD to go for fun and happiness and if that means serial dating, rather than a relationship, then what is wrong with that?

Even the Women who describe themselves as really happy have made a lot of compromises to hang on to a relationship, because Society tells is that's how we should live.

You don't realise until you get older.

None of that is a boast, I just want people to see I'm not an arsehole that deserves these kind of men

Do some women deserve the abuse they get then op?

I like that shark cage metaphor.

Alain de Botton has some interesting talks on YouTube about relationships and how we are attracted to people who are going to cause us pain in a way that we're FAMILIAR with, because that feels comfortable to us, even if it's unpleasant.

You can be the role model your son needs. You don't need a man to do that. In fact I'd say it's more important for you to do the job than for to you find even a nice man to do it. At some point you maybe believed that you want a man like your DF and a man not like your DM's abusive partner, and you don't pick up on the really early cues that you've met someone who is the latter although presents as the former?

If you're wanting to work on change, I wouldn't recommend counselling, it isn't an intervention that can address the complex issues you are grappling with. As a start I'd echo what other posters suggest; The Freedom Programme and if you can find a way to access a group in your locality I'd suggest that, as you'd have access to a group which could help you feel less alone, less to blame, more resourceful and more able to put self care at the top of your priorities.

I think Motherofcreek’s advice is spot on about taking time out from relationships and working on yourself. Having been in an abusive relationship for most of my twenties I really empathise. It is incredibly hard to walk away, as your confidence is broken down by abusive partners. You can end up feeling like you don’t deserve or can’t achieve anything better- or actually be happy. Also, these abusers tend to turn back on the charm when they think there’s a chance you are wanting out.
OP I think you are very strong for getting out and it sounds like you have reached the point you can reflect on and see this pattern which also takes strength and wisdom.
You are still really young and have been through a lot. Don’t feel you have to rush finding someone, focus on you and your son. The right person will come along but you need to be ready to have a healthy relationship by being comfortable in yourself first.

@Eliza9917 no, and just because I said that I'm a good kind person and not an arsehole who deserves these kind of men, doesn't mean I'm saying that other women who are abused do deserve them. It's very clear what I meant and I also think it's very clear that I do not think that this behaviour is okay on any level.

I'm sure there are various reasons- including just being very unlucky - maybe that's you, OP. And I dare say being 'too nice', too.

And those red lights - I have a friend who only told me after having been married for well over 20 years to an outwardly charming narcissist, about the screaming red lights she chose to ignore both shortly before they were married, and not long afterwards. The trouble was, she loved him anyway.

OTOH a dd had a friend who seemed to attract horrible men, but in fact she did have nice BFs now and then, only they never lasted because they were too nice - she apparently had no respect for anyone who was good to her, and would start treating them very badly. She only seemed to value those who treated her badly - the ones she was never sure of.

But then her parents had never been nice to her - her mother is a classic toxic - so I dare say it all stemmed from that.

You shouldn't blame yourself, there is nothing wrong with you, there are just a lot of very shit men out there. I don't know any good ones. My friends are all in abusive relationships. In my lifetime I have never seen a relationship or a marriage I would want to be in. There isn't someone for everyone, millions of women either have to be in shit relationships or stay single. I pick single.

My last 2 relationships were terrible...both ended up in prison for assaulting me many times...(broken bones) you name it...I felt i must attract them...i must egg it on (thry told me it was all my fault of course)...my 2nd knew that my first was abusive...so maybe he thought i would accept it from him aswell??...i watched a documentary on domestic violence last week and theres actually a law called clares law...where you can find out a persons background...maybe do that...not that every abuser has been caught unfortunately...also narcissist are often very charming...OVERLY nice too soon...I kept my current partner at arms length for over a year...didnt allow him to sleep at my house...I found it very hard to attach myself in general after the abuse i suffered...but i just was too scared to let him into my life incase he became the same.But he stuck it out.Never had his ego hurt by my rejection.Never pressured or pushed me...i was worth the wait for him...as it should be...5 years in...never ever has he as much as called me an offensive name...let alone hit me...im free to do as i want...he works...helps at home...builds my self esteem...it does happen darling x

The shark cage is interesting.

Unless I've read it wrongly, it seems to say that Chantelle feels uneasy around the guy but still ends up with him.

Obviously it's a big jump from accepting a drink to be polite to having sex & letting someone move it because you feel that you have to.

But how many times do we see that on here-"oh just suck it up & plaster a smile on"

I do think that too often women feel that they have to consider others first-even in situations where the other person's feelins should have no consideration at all.

nana a normal relationship is just normal. Sometimes boring, uneventful. Plodding along, aiming to be kind and thoughtful to each other. Focusing on family benefit and growth.

We have two small children. Our focus is on keeping the kids alive and looking forward to when they leave and we can get back to nice kid free holidays and more money

Do you have to keep getting into relationships? why not just be single for a while? seems like youve hopped quickly from relationship to relationship. take some time out.

Cardsforkittens I was involved with a DV shelter and though I didn’t take up my place on the committee that I was offered I did support in other ways.

It was in a smallish town the names of the same men came up multiple times for women who were users of this service. I know plenty of people do not like the fact that some women attract abusers but these men do prey on the vulnerable.

I would look to your childhood and be honest with yourself because often these women had disruptive, abusive or unloving childhoods. Your academic achievements show intellectual capacity but that means nothing when it comes to your emotional capacity to deal with relationships.

You have listed terrible behaviour by these men if anyone did this to me I would be out the door immediately. That’s the root of your problems on a subconscious level they and you both knew you would put up with it.

Stop dating completely I would say ideally for at least a year and do the freedom programme.

I don't think they attract abusers, but I think some women with low self esteem put up with bad behaviour from their partners for too long. Many women just wouldn't tolerate any kind of abusive behaviour and would just end the relationship at the first sign of it. So I think it is mainly down to how they deal with it.

I haven't RTFT but would agree with this. All my relationships have been with lovely men, but that's because at the first sign of a red flag I walk away. I don't feel I need a relationship to be happy, to me it's just a nice added extra. So if it begins to not make me happier than I would be alone I end it. That said I'm looking at this from the perspective of someone who has never wanted children and has always been financially independent. I totally understand that if you have children with someone, or even a shared mortgage then you may feel trapped and not find it so easy to call it a day the minute your partner's true abusive colours start to show.

It looks like there is no passion in our relationship

There was! Kids killed that off! I’d pick a deep understanding, respect and friendship over that any day anyway!

I'll get grief for this, but in our patriarchal society, an awful lot of men are right pricks.

I think BlingLoving may be on the right track.

A lot of female socialisation revolves around relationships, one specific and very prioritised area of that being couple relationships with a man, and I think often they are seen as some kind of measure of 'success' as a woman. That would go some way, I think, to explaining that you are assertive in every area other than this (and why you seem to see the fault with you rather than with a society that lets an awful lot of men grow up with a massive sense of entitlement and no consequences for bad behaviour).

Do you go from one relationship to the next possibly telling a man straight away what has happened with the last partner? This could be attracting dickheads who are playing on your vulnerabilities.

Take some time to be single and work on your self esteem then when you do meet someone, dont tell them your life story or want the fairytale ending in a matter of months. Also see if you could get some counselling.

@BitOfFun

No grief from me.

I also think that if you come across as being very independent, self-sufficient, happy alone and not 'needing' to be in a relationship, then the abusive types will be put off as they will realise you will be unlikely to stand for it. Abusive types probably search out women who appear to have low self-esteem and who feel they need to be in a relationship to function/be happy.