Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

@BumbleBeee69

Just odd how he's done it now after a month of text convo with her
And explicit messages!

YOU know the messages were there.

So what does it matter if he knows you know? Or if he denies they were ever there? Or if he has deleted them to hide them? Or if he doesn't know you know?

YOU still know what you know. That's the only information needed.

Yes he has figured out you are reading his messages so is deleting the evidence and he will just hide it better in future.

It really doesn't matter why it's been deleted. You know what you saw.

Your obsession with 'the why' is going to drive you mad and it will affect your mental health.

In the unlikely event that his emotional affair has ended, you know it's just a matter of time before he's at it again. For all the times you've caught him sexting and pursuing other women... there will have been some you never knew about.

You really need to work on your self worth, because until you value yourself enough to know you deserve better, nobody else will.

You would benefit from therapy. You'll go on a journey of self discovery and learn a lot about yourself.

We all have choices in life, it's easy to blame others for the situation you find yourself in... but everything he does, is because you've stayed and allowed yourself to be treated the way he does. People like him will try and get away with what they can.

I don't expect that you can just up and leave at the click of your fingers. Go on the holiday if you want.... but you need to realise this relationship is unhealthy and it's going to affect your DDs.

Endless speculating and pointless questions about this man and his motives isn't going to help you is it op.

This and your utter refusal to acknowledge the facts for what they are is quite disturbing, especially given the fact it is to the detriment of your children.

Oh well....one less twatty cocksucker In the world for the rest of us to happen upon I guess

@Closetbeanmuncher
Really?! This is so unhelpful & hurtful for the OP.

OP you're in a horrible situation. I really feel for you.
You need to get some legal advice if you plan on leaving. You also need to make a plan to keep the children with you.

Did you manage to keep pictures of his text conversation at all? Who knows why he's deleted it now-don't let that add to your worries. It doesn't change what he's already done.

Perhaps he’s deleted it because it’s gotten more steamy; or because they’ve finished; or because he decided to clean up his phone just in case; or perhaps he’s suspicious you know...who knows.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Yes really! That will be the only good thing to come out of this as op is clearly more interested in the contents of his phone than the security of her kids 🤷

@catdogcatdog

I only got three pictures of his text convo
The txt convo was so long and was dated back to 4th Feb so it was difficult to get it all
However , I did get obvious parts of the "sexting" and the proof they were trying to make it physical

Well I think yesterday was the day they made it physical. He was quite distant with me and wanted to sleep fell asleep early on couch?
BUT he has applied to the Saudi job and seems to want it

Just hate all the confusion

@DBML

I don't think it's COs they've finished because her numbers still in his phone.
I'm thinking something physical may happened and now he's making sure all evidence is gone as it's crossed that line

Any other signs I can loook out for?

There is plenty of security with my dc, they are mostly with em anyway or his parents who are fantastic with them. His parents are the reason I'm trying to stay put until I have a safe and secure place

What do you need to wake up to the fact this man is not a good one and your relationship does not exist?

I just don't want to leave yet as we've only just settled down. We have two dds, the older one is having MH issues so this is in the back of my head

Way, way back in your head. Your posts are all about you. You don’t want to leave him. I hope you have a wake up moment and realise you aren’t doing the best for your children but I don’t think you will.

There is no confusion!! At best he has had an inappropriate relationship behind your back that has made you feel shit, insecure and totally preoccupied with a side of self loathing thrown in for good measure. That's BEST case scenario.

Please please seek some counselling to see if you can pick apart why you are internalising this behaviour instead of addressing it by making your boundaries clear and then leaving when they are broken.

I hope you feel better soon but behaving as you are now doesn't seem like it will make you happy. It's your life, don't spend the rest of it antagonising over the bad behaviour of someone who is meant to be on your team in a safe, secure and healthy loving relationship.

Im so sorry op! Don't understand Men or Women that can do this to their family...

What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this?

She doesn't owe you a thing. And as for whether her personality is something he would like - as long as her knickers are off, he won't care. So put her out of your mind. She's done nothing to you, it's all down to him.

There's a bit of drip-feeding, one dd then two, but basically, it's the old, old story.

OP, if your situation is as you describe, take your children and go. Nip away quietly when he's out, and let him have the shock of realisation when he finds you're gone. And never, ever have him back.

OP what signs do you want to look out for?

Signs of him cheating? You already know he is, what will it take for you to accept this? The pair of them shagging in your bed in front of you?

Have you considered that he might have gone through your pictures and seen your photos of the convos?

What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this?

Never mind how she can do this to you what you are doing to yourself is far, far worse.

@Alcalvero. this sounds horrible for you and for your DC. Agree with others though - nothing good can come out of this. You don't need to know any more - its all there already.

The problem with posting here is that everyone is going to tell you this - that he is a complete bastard who is shitting all over his family. Deep down you know this and hearing everyone else say it will further knock your self esteem. It sounds like you are making excuses to stay with him and I understand that - the fear of leaving coupled with your state of mind. Can you at least start making some plans to get out?

@Bambii

Hasn't been anywhere near my phone. He never does
He used to be mega paranoid but not anymore
I think that's COs if he does ask to c my phone I would turn round to him n say I'd check his n he can't afford that if he's txting girl

I just found it a bit weird, Thursday evening he fell asleep early left phone on side , checked it n messages were there, although last txt sent was 11am while at work

Then Friday evening, I did the same thing and whole of the messages were gone!! Meaning something had to have happened in the day, he actually went work a bit later though at 9.30am, n finished at 3.30pm!! They obviously have lunch together 🙁

Lady I have not read this entire thread .. it seems as if you can’t let go of him or you want to catch him in the act .. it is draining you and frankly you sound very depressed. Have it out with him follow his every move or get your ducks in a row and ltb 🙈 this relationship sounds very unhealthy & the kids are going to suffer or are suffering!
Drom many people on this forum they all say it’s easily one of the most traumatic times when you choose your own feeling and peace of mind instead of beating your head constantly!

I am pretty sure you can get help out there from professionals .. use their service.

Lawyer up and get your fair share and set the man free. If he wants you he will fight for you and your relationship.

He can’t be such a catch if he is getting his pleasure outside of your relationship.

Wishing you only the best🌷

Please please please @Acalavero SS are involved.
You're showing your children to expect a relationship like yours; just as your parents relationship made you think abuse was normal.
Choose love, choose your kids and all of your happiness.
My Mum is dying, we don't have the strongest of relationships because of EA from her and my dad and for not protecting me from him.
She will always be weak in my eyes.
I did the same as you. Got into bad relationships that I thought were "normal". But I broke the cycle; he had an affair and treated us like shit and I left him. My kids are free to see life doesn't stop as a single Mum.

@KOKOtiltomorrow

I am making plans.
It makes weird because this has coincided with him wanting to apply to a job in Saudi. Yesterday, he actually sent the application, even showed me and seems like he really wants it.
I am praying and hoping he gets this. I think this will be the easiest way, he will
Probably not chuck me out of the house for the kids sake and hopefully I can stay there with no bother from him and cooperate with his parents which I want.
His parents are nice people and they've really been there for me, they also do the majority of childcare when I'm at work. If we split n I was to move closer to my parents (which I'd have to like last time) I would lose that guarantee. His parents live in another town closer to his house so it would be impossible n also I think he's purposely do that as a "punishment" it's the kind of thing he does an ddid last time
Was very nasty and purposely was awkward, it just caused so much stress. I can't afford to go through a mental breakdown again. I have a Young dd. The time we split my eldest dd was 8 so it wasn't so draining.

It would just be better if he was out the country, id also be able to move on easier never having to see him, would be bliss!!

It really doesn’t matter why or how the texts disappeared does it? He’s fucking around, abusing you and your DC and you’re putting up with it for reasons I am yet to understand unless it’s just material security as in having somewhere to live.

You need to sort your shit out and leave. Be the role model for your DDs that they need, to grow into strong secure women who won’t accept this kind of shit in their own relationships.

I suspect you won’t though and will post another thread in a couple of months about whether you should marry him and go to Saudi or not-will give you the answer to that now to save you the bother-no you shouldn’t.

Good luck OP because unless YOU make changes, nothing will happen and this is the rest of your life, and you will need it.

The reason for you not wanting to leave has changed three times op...

First it was because you have a holiday booked, then it was because you don't want to be alone on your birthday, now its

because of his parents??

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor I don't think that would even work...op would be on here asking what it meant!!

I don't see any plans bar to sit and wait for the next time he boots you out, or you catch an STD

@MrsElijahMichaelson1 I would say your prediction of the next thread is pretty much inevitable.

The real reason you're staying is that old chestnut "because you love him" but instead of saying that you're going round on circles in complete denial making various excuses.