Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

You already know what kind of relationship it is
What difference do the finer details make?

Simply put - he's cheating on you

What is your plan from here?

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

Atm COs of the situation, I want to see if he gets this Saudi job first
It would give me a speech /text compared I would send/say to his parents. I'm guessing they would have my back n propose I stay in the house (best case scenario)

Worst case scenario- I would tell him I know still but he would probably kick me out so I'll have a deposit saved for a house. In the meantime I'd have to stay with my mum or sister
I obviously don't wanna do option B until I know about the Saudi job as I think that could be another incentive

Prepared*

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor it's clear the OP's plan is do nothing other than respond to the posters who tell her what she wants to hear! Quite possibly the worst case of denial I've ever come across. DD's MH issues are bottom of her list of priorities.

OP - you are not happy in this relationship. At all. You are obsessed with the reasons for his behaviour but the fact is he is not going to change because you are not going to leave.

It's such a shame and like many people have said to you, it would be sad that your daughter is going to believe this is a normal relationship.

If someone could look into her future for you and tell you she would be in a relationship just like yours would you be happy?

Why not set the same standard for yourself and at the same time set an example for her.

You deserve to be happy. So does she. Staying with her dad won't allow either of you to be as happy as leaving.

It's really sad :(

I don’t understand what the grand plan is he’s not going to trot off to Saudi leaving his kids behind and op in his house without a fight maybe I am missing something but this is a man who has thrown you out before I don’t think it’s as simple as he takes a job abroad and the op lives happily ever after in his house

The OP is in the "bargaining" phase of grief.
She'll get there, just give her time.
The mind deals with what grief it can handle at any one time. My bet is that her is all filled up with the bile he's still feeding her.

Yes, OP, he's gas lighting you terribly and cheating on you and he'll never stop. It is who he is.

That's not your failing. The OW didn't tempt him away with her superior charms. If anything, these guys prefer someone who they can lord it over.

You need to get and keep space from him so that you may have the mental space to process this, find your anger and your strength to fight.

*her mind

@PicsInRed

Yes I do agree with what you're saying
However, everyone knows right from wrong. When we were split, I fell head over heels with a guy at work -obsessively crushing on him for weeks. He was mentioned in passing with a colleague from his department, something about him going camping with his girlfriend. That was it for me. I never ever pursued him again or even thought about going on a date with him!
There's so many people I know who even get put off if a single man has kids let alone a 15 year relationship and living together "happily"

This ow is fully aware of me and him to the point she even bought our daughter an Xmas present. Everyone on his team knows about us, I've met a few of them and one is invited to dinner in the next few weeks!!

Maybe, I'm struggling to grasp why she is doing this as well as him. From reading the txts, she has been really flirting/encouraging him so it's hard for me not to be so angry and disheartened with her!
I might be emotionally numb when it comes to him as I have caught him on dating sites in the past.

@Alfiemoon1

Not at all. He was "abandoned " by his parents to boarding school in England whilst they lived in the UAE.
He ALWAYS boasts about his childhood, all the times I was so unhappy with him working away from me and the kids he would retort back "well that's how I grew up away from my parents so they should get used to it like I did"

He has also tried to apply abroad in the past n said he'd have to go alone COs obviously wasn't keen on marrying..,

Also, His work is his priority. This job in Saudi is a much higher position. There's no way he'd turn it down if successful. There's only one jo going in that location. For him to turn that down , even I would think he's an idiot .

I'm not saying it's turn out if live happily ever after. But this time I can say I've done nothing wrong. He has. His parents would be shocked with his cheating. His dad especially. I think if I get the support of his parents it'd somehow be easier. It is after all, their house like I've said.

And what happens if he doesn’t enjoy the job? He comes back after six months? A year? You are back to square one. If you want to split up with him you need to get out of his house. Period.

@Maddy762

I'm just trying to buy time is all. The last time I left I rented a place in a very rundown area as near to my parents as sister as possible, as it was all I could afford at the time but it set me back quite a bit as I had buy almost a whole house worth of furniture etc.
I don't wanna be rolling in loans or credit cards last time.
I've been lucky since living back with him I'm saving again
I guess I'm hoping praying his parents will have my back especially when they see the disgusting texts he'd sent her. Maybe, just maybe they might order him to let me stay here for their grandkids at least.
I know it's a long shot, but it's the best I have atm. It's a different story IF he doesn't get the job of course...

You are repeating a very damaging cycle right now. Your poor, poor children.

If this was a perfectly normal and healthy relationship, you wouldn't be sat on a Internet forum seeking advice.

I've read the entire thread and you minimise and try to normalise everything.

He's kicked you out before, why would he let you stay in his house? If you think his parents will side with you, then you really need to get your head out of the clouds....protect yourself and your children, take some control and stop leaving your life in the hands of everybody else.

His parents will not have your back

Here's a way to find out though, pop over there and tell them that you are separating from their son due to his infidelity and sad though you are to be moving away you unfortunately have no choice as you cannot afford to stay in the area.

That will be my plan B of course I will tell his parents. Like I said I have formed a really close bond with them. I see his parents more than he doe

I do think they'd be really disappointed with him as they want him to settle down, they had said that last time we split know was bouncing from woman to woman. They're extremely family orientated n that's why they're always tagging along we have a holiday, weddings n a meal planned within the next few weeks.
It will coincide with him finding out about this job so I don't see the harm in waiting 3-4 weeks . I'm saving lots also

Dp has just txt n says he has a call out at work so not sure when he'll be home... do u think this is an excuse for him to see ow go out with her somewhere or hers etc
Just really upset right now.

Well you must be a very good actress to go along with all that playing happily families stuff for the next few weeks, what on earth is the point of that!

And yes without a doubt he's using a call out as an excuse to go and shag OW...and then he'll come home and get in your bed.

Your poor kids are caught up in this shit

How did his parents react when he kicked you out for signing up yourself and your daughter for basketball? Did they have your back? Were they outraged? Did they help you buy furniture, etc.?

OP - your DP can't bear to be with you - that's why his parents tag along to everything. He can't get away from you fast enough, preferably the further away the better. His parents will have his back as they will have formed their own opinion of the relationship - I'm sure he will confide in them.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you, as is clear from his treatment of you if you are telling the truth about him. You are obsessive and deluded. Maybe he wants to take the children to Saudi with him to give them opportunities.

You said my first post resonated with you the most. Bullshit. You only care about you and him, not you and your children. Best thing that could happen is that he mans up and leaves you and has at least half custody of the children and that your daughter receives proper psychiatric help for the trauma that she is experiencing living in the crazy environment you are creating.

@Binting

Sorry I think that's really harsh. I'm not disagreeing with you hence why I've wrote about it on here but the fact he can't stand to be near me is a bit far fetched. He always wants to drink with me every evening it's me who has to say no.
He likes the whole family unit n prefers to do stuff as a family.

Like I said, do u really think I'm enjoying being here? Every day I fantasise about him having a motorcycle accident! That's how bad it's become but I won't put myself in a shit position like I did last time neither will I mess up my dds schooling like last time
And btw, her MH issues have actually come from bullying by a club she attends. This is all confirmed by Ed psych and school nurse
Not denying she may be affected but don't just assume shit because I've posted one problem on here

@MsDogLady

At that time his parents lived abroad so they had no idea what was going on how bad the arguments were etc
He played dumb n didn't tell them til really later on ..til I moved out and that was four months after we split! We had to continue living together although he wanted me out as he was convinced I cheated!!!! How the tables have turned
Now, his parents know how much I do/where I am etc as they live nearby so will sometimes pop in when he's working away. Like I've said Iv built up a really close relationship with them. I am really eager to sit them down and tell them everything , showing the evidence etc.
I am maybe 70-80% sure they will support me. The benefit I have now is they see a allot more as before they were abroad and he was telling them snippets. Example they'd ask via phone where I was and he'd answer "she's out at that basketball centre again" or "out with friends again" in a way that implied I was out having an affair!!
It was hard for them to know what was going on but I'm sure he convinced them I had cheated or something . However, when we got back together they both did say we're glad you're back together
And we're so glad things worked out etc.

They may or may not support you but it would be extremely unusual for them to take your side over his.

Blood is thicker than water and if it were my ds of course I'd support you but he'd still be my priority being my son.

Although you really don't seem to be putting your child first so maybe that's why you can't see that.

@Acalavero - I'm sorry I assumed that your daughter's MH problems stem from her homelife - I am finding your thread quite triggering and I just projected some of my childhood crap onto you.

I am harsh though as you still seem to be focusing on the OW and your DP. And wishing your DP dead, instead of making proper plans to sort this shit out? seriously.

Your daughter’s problems may stem from being bullied, but certainly the home life that you’ve described exacerbates her condition. In your threads you have detailed the many ways your partner has emotionally abused you. Your child sees this abuse. It affects her. It likely mirrors what she is going through in the club. You are bullied and she is bullied. Is she passive?

People need to stop giving the OP attention

You are literally mad if you think your husband’s parents will take your side. When you are a parent you always take your own child’s side. You can hope to have some sort of friendship going on but there’s no chance on earth they will go against him.
You have not listened to anyone here, I think every person has told you you need to make concrete plans to leave, with only your children in mind. Who honestly cares if he’s seeing the OW tonight (he will), he’s a shit and you need to stop working out the minute detail, the big picture is he’s left this relationship and you need to too.