Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

I remember your last post well. Especially thread, where you were often labelled controlling (the MN buzzword) & insecure. When patently, it's your H making you this way with his behaviour.

& You'd also posted about him before that, hadn't you?

This man is ruining your emotional health but I don't think you want to leave so don't know what to say apart from sorry, and hope you can find hobbies and interests to swerve your focus.

You know what he's like so if you're staying it's not worth driving yourself mad over 1 man. Life truly is too short

@BumbleBeee69 I think the same. I really hope it isn't. To put "not wanting to be alone on your birthday" above her DD's MH issues 😤

Your daughter’s school is worried about her. Her unstable home life is possibly causing her MH issues. It certainly is aggravating her condition. I hope her needs are being addressed by a MH counselor or child psychologist. By staying, you are putting your girls in harm’s way.

When will he know about the job, and if he gets it, when will he leave? When would you announce that you aren’t going? He will surely cancel, and you will be back to square 1.

You have seen his affair play out right in front of you, but have said nothing. He is in a PA now. Your plan was to photo-grab the incriminating texts, but as I predicted, he has not written about it, and has now deleted everything. He is likely one step ahead of you. You have enough evidence of infidelity, but are stalling on leaving.

They are planning to conceive a “lovechild.” If they succeed, your life will be even more complicated. Would his parents keep that child, too? In another thread you mentioned having a good sex life, so you must now insist that he use condoms. Of course, they don’t protect against everything. You will also need to book an STI test.

In passively sitting by, you are digging a hole for yourself and your girls that is getting deeper and deeper. You are degrading your dignity and putting your mental and sexual health at risk. Your daughters are being damaged. For what?

The sad thing is, this man has options and he will leave eventually. Its just a matter of time. So all OPs stalling will have been entirely in vain.

The overseas job is a red herring OP, why would you leave/not join him when he is here and present and you can't make a move to resolve your situation? If he moves abroad you will drive yourself to distraction wondering which woman he's chatting up. So you'll join him - that's if he wants you to & doesn't make excuses. It sounds as if he likes upsetting you tho so I guess he will need you there alongside, as the game won't be much fun if you're not there to play. & keep house etc..home comforts whilst playing away are important.

When a man knows he can blatantly disrespect you yet you still crave him, your sham of a relationship is dead in the water. He will never want you as you want him.

It's just a shame you are so consumed by him and your lives together, you can't 'see' where you are supposed to be in terms of being a mother. Your childrens' needs come last.

All for the sake of a man.

I think what you want is just to come here and vent occasionally. Don't you have someone in real life to talk to? If not I suppose MN is as good as any place for airing your feelings

You know what the right thing to do is.

Ugh is this thread still going?

"I should confront him"

"But I wont"

"I want to leave"

"I've decided to stay"

"Give me attention"

"Me me me"

Ugh, OP, do you have any self worth?

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

I have thought about this that's why I'm desperate for him to get the job as there's lots of avenues I could take as a "revenge" route

I can tell you that he 100% would not turn this job down if I said we were t going. The only way I can describe him as he puts work before anything (hence all the posts I've made in the past) his priority order would go something like this: his parents/work on a parr, his kids, his house (very house proud) and then me!

He is also very prideful , he would never let anyone think he is a failure. He would definitely definitely take this job , he was an expat in Saudi when he was young his mum n dad worked out there hence why they're all eager for him to do it. It's also something he's always wanted to do
At the end of the day, he was in boarding school at one point when his mum n dad worked there so he wouldn't have any qualms if his kids were here. He always boasts about his upbringing.

@MistressDeeCee

A big, heartwarming welcome to you. That did make me water up 😥
Yes you are right - I've made posts about him for over a year now (various usernames) I was ALWAYS told my the majority I was paranoid and delusional.
I can not believe that now I'm probably being told by the same posters to leave his cheating ass! How ironic!

Yes, I dunno what it was but since he started this job three years ago he has completely changed. He has an air of confidence now like my sister said I think he thinks he's above anyone and everything (law enforcement) it's been so so difficult for me but I know now he is actually cheating and I will leave him

I’m beginning to have a bit of sympathy for your DP now. If you’re half a frustrating and obtuse in RL as you appear to be on this thread then I would also have checked out of the relationship. Maybe he just stays for the kids while getting his kicks elsewhere - which is shitty, but people do it. He’s deleted messages because you’ll have given yourself away. Hope one of your revenge routes works out for you but not at the detriment to your DC’s wellbeing.

I’m sad on behalf of your DC’s; you - not so much.

OMG you're the woman who thought the next door neighbour who'd recently been widowed was chasing your husband.

This thread is boring

@Binting

I am going to leave him
I have the perfect plan in place

Really, I say give the woman a break. This guy may have been manipulating and head working her for years.

She's not paranoid, she's probably been driven to distraction, desperately trying to figure out the truth, that he's cheating and with whom.

How many of us, here, have been "there"?

Now she likely needs time, advice, validation, to process this and build her emotional strength back so maybe she finds the will to leave.

That's where the ladies (and gents) of mumsnet come in.

@CoparentFail absolutely agree with you. Op I hope you get the closure you need & remember the pain & heartache will pass. You'll be ok ❤️

Well based on your latest information. I think if he gets the Saudi job I imagine he is planning on the eldest for boarding school. He may be planning on marrying the OW and living with her in Saudi.

Yes is there a chance he will fight with you OP for custody to take the children with him to Saudi and leave you behind?

@Acalavero please tell me that none of your revenge plans include harm to yourself and/or your children.

@CoparentFail

Thank you
It's been emotionally draining and I've been really upset
He has constantly reassured me all yesterday that he's not cheating or he doesn't like anyone else, I'm so fed up of it because he's acting like he just wants to be with me said he wouldn't give that up etc

No don't think he would
He's not very paternal I don't think he could cope with two kids out in a foreign country without his parents.

Still eagerly waiting to see if he's got the Saudi job. Apparently, he will hear by the 9th April. He has told ow because I saw it in the txt message she seemed shocked and said "what about your missus and kids"

His response - they will be coming as well lol"

So she's an idiot. She can obviously see he hasn't got any plans to be with her probably just using her for sex so I'm just so angry n confused with both of them!!!

You're very welcome Acalavero.
There are plenty here who understand, because we've been through your stage of the infidelity discovery process (and the gaslighting) ourselves. I don't think it's possible to really comprehend what gaslighting and cheating does to the victim's sanity unless you've been through it yourself.

And, please, whatever you do, don't go to Saudi. There was a thread recently from another poster, expat in the middle east, and her desperate struggle to get back to the UK when her marriage broke down. Just don't do it.

All of this and your focus is still the OW's actions

But yes if it makes you feel better to think of her as an idiot then fill your boots

Your OP is clearly expecting you and the kids to go with him. Think about how you are going to deal with this!

Do not go to Saudi with him, not for any reason at all. I don't care what he tells you or promises you.

Do not do it. Whatever cunning plan you think up.

You could lose your children.

@CoparentFail

Again thanks so much for understanding . So he's definitely gaslighting me? Also has said nasty stuff about the ow
I asked about her slyly
I'm just shocked how long it can go on for

Oh gosh there's no way I would want to go to Saudi anyway!! I wouldn't have any support there n I keep thinking he could easily start an affair with someone there maybe it would be harder but who knows

Also, the fact he's applied gets me confused because ow knows he's applied so I'm sure this must be a sexual relationship???

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

Yes I'm looking at the ow to try to gather what kind of relationship it is
I was distraught because I know it's an EA but I don't know what their intention is
And that's what I've been trying to figure out
It's very flirty /sexual talk but he mentions me
N I was shocked he told her about Saudi

Because she must know he intends to leave?