Just seen txts of the woman I had suspicion off please help

[Acalavero]

Absolutely distraught so please be gentle
Iv actually written a post before about how dps female colleague said some stuff which rang some alarm bells for me (you can search the post from my username)

Well now I went n looked at his phone and in complete shock I'm so so shocked they've been txting.
I had to check rly quick COs he was in the shower, all I saw was her saying "might have to have a biopsy would u still fancy me with one boob?"

His reply "of course I would"

Then another text from him saying when they could see each other

I was in a panic not 100% but I'm sure I saw a txt from him saying "I'd like u on top"

I just can't believe it. This is a woman who he's told me before looks old n isn't his type at all. He also said she was a HO (higher officer) n it's not good practise for flanderings with HOs. I think that was a time when I getting suspicious about her so asked

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm in rly big shock because he's told me before she's 40 n single, wants to have kids n settle down. What hurts me the most she knows about me so how can she do this? What do I do now?
He talks about me quite a bit in work so I just can't fathom why she would consider having an affair with him when she knows he's in a long term relationship with two children

I dunno what to do. I can't confront him can i this soon? Weird thing is this week we've been rly close one of my students has committed suicide so I've been rly out of sorts n he's been there for me n basically we spend every evening together. It's not like he's been away

N if he does go away with work she doesn't go because she's a HO so now I'm wondering how did this happen/develop

Please someone help me I'm in a rly low position Iv told my friend today but she couldn't talk properly feel like I have no one to speak to right now

I think I'll have to check out of this thread after this as it's frustrating so see a woman in the situation when I witness my mum going through similar and was unable to protect us from the issues such a tense insecure and unhappy relationship causes for the kids involved.

One thing I really think you need to address. You've asked "why don't other women see it" and "will he treat everyone like this or just me"

The fact is if a man like him tries it on with 10 women, 9 with good gut instinct, strong boundaries and red flag experience will walk away. He will continue testing the water until he finds 1 vulnerable woman unable or unwilling to set boundaries, enjoy the attention even though they'd prefer he was single, get addicted to the compliments etc.

And will he treat them well? He won't get a chance to treat 9 out of 10 women in any sense as they'll have run a mile. The 1 out of 10 he has identified as vulnerable and malleable will either be pushed and pushed and pushed to the limit of their MH and posting like you are. Or they will summon the strength to leave and join the 9 out 10 original women in thinking they've dodged a bullet.

It isn't about you. It's about what he wants from life and that is to get what he wants, when he wants without being questioned or disobeyed. He sounds like a bully and a cunt.

Would you want your daughter to be with a man like him?

I'm out.

*when I witnessed my mum

She got out thank god and is super happy now and we've all managed to strengthen our boundaries and be happy after lots of talking and outside counselling. It can be done. Put their future first.

Oh good Lord. In the slim chance he gets offered this job abroad and for reasons unbeknown to me, accepts it and agrees to break up and you stay in the UK with the kids (pretty obvious when you tell him you are staying he will opt to stay too), there is NO WAY he is just going to let you stay in that house. Your current plan is not going to work. He will want you out because he is a twat. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet and not be dependent on him. By being dependent on him for being allowed to live in that house, you are choosing to risk being made homeless along with your children. Why are you taking that risk? Your children are unable to depend on you while you are taking that risk.

@Closetbeanmuncher

How about all three reasons? And more! I also said that last time leaving him was easier because my dd was 8 n she also attended school near my mums house,
Now three years on I have a one year old dd with him and my eldest dd goes to a school in this area. Not to mention she has had MH issues. School very concerned. I need to be mentally strong for her and I know I can't be if I was to make a plan to leave right now

So, you've made your mind up to stay due to your DD's MH.

So, whether we all agree or not, no matter what we think or how much we all say this will affect your DD's, you are staying.

So, no more responses needed on this thread. No need to continue to feed your worries or share your drama.

@Livvylovesgin

I said I am buying time to make a plan, the best thing would be if he got the Saudi job. I would then present the evidence I have
Otherwise, I have savings n need to continue to save so I can get a suitable house in a suitable area

Of course I want to leave him! Do you think in enjoying acting normal when I've seen texts of him asking her to have his lovechild?! Completely dismissing me as "the missus"

You said he threw you out before so no leaving was easier because you had no choice, which is what you're waiting for again isn't it?

Why don't you move between his parents and her school, then you would have the support of her parents and be close to school.

Do you really think being preoccupied with all this shit means you can be strong or capable for her in any way, shape or form?

The way to be strong for her would be to take her out of this shit show and address your own mental health without all this unnecessary aggrievation and anxiety keeping you down.

Being a single parent isn't as terrible as it sounds, and if your daughter is mentally ill you could access additional support and possibly restbite services.

If you can't be honest with Mumsnet, at least be honest with yourself.

Good luck.

@Maddy762

He wants the job it's all he's talking about since he's applied

Ffs OP. Your daughter has mental health problems because of you and your partner!!!

Stop using your daughter to excuse your decision to stay with this man. You’re as bad as him. My sympathy lies with the kids, not you. You are no better than him.

People need to stop commenting on this thread, you aren’t gunna take the advice. You either love the attention or you’re trolling.

You. Need. To. Leave. Him!!!

Sorry I know I said I was out but your daughter needs a voice and doesn't seem to be getting one in this situation.

In the midst of a similar situation living in a domestic war zone, I developed extreme anxiety, put huge pressure on myself to get stellar grades as I felt they could be my way out and severe anorexia.

These were all symptoms of the environment I was in. It has taken a decade of expensive and painful therapy and medication for me to regain a sense of security, a healthy body and managing the lifelong MH issues caused by the environment.

I also repeated some of the cycle in thankfully young relationships until I began to realise I resented my mum even more than my dad for not leaving for our sake. Anything would have been better than that. I understand her reasons and I love her deeply, very deeply and think the world of her.

But as I have told her a little bit of me will never forgive either of them and that helps me make better decisions.

She may never forgive you. And like my poor mum you may never forgive yourself.

You owe us nothing but you owe your children to put them first in the RIGHT way. Keeping a toxic family unit "together" is nonsensical as a reason not to make steps to leave.

I am angry on your daughters behalf. Poor poor girl.

Do the right thing, not the harder thing.

*Do the right thing, not the easier thing

I got so angry I made a typo!

I would then present the evidence I have
Why do you need to present evidence? Bin finding out you know will get you kicked out of the house.

You need to be smarter about this.

If he gets the job you can say you and the girls will coming later and let him go.

Even if you were going you'd need to look into schools first.

In the meanwhile I'd not be sleeping with him or use condoms if you do.

So sorry to hear what you've been going through OP no one can tell you what to do but fwiw if you really want to leave him I think you should do it sooner rather than later. Don't wait for some uncertain future event, that will be much worse for you and your dc in the long run.

Yep, OP, do make your plans and stick to them.

Only you can do it, only you can make a change. Not us!

I feel quite strongly that we are feeding your drama and not helping you.

I'm done with the thread for your sake. Be strong, good luck.

Stop sugarcoating it, your girls are your priority here, protect them ffs!!!

I honestly think you’re not getting this now. If I were ever to split from my husband no matter what the reason I absolutely know that them having him IN their life would be so much better for their mental wellbeing than him being in another country.
So you have to do this BEFORE he applies and thinks he’s going to live abroad with you all. He’s only going to change his mind once you say you’re not going with him and then he won’t have any job or means then to support you/the children. Good luck with getting support from him if he’s overseas.
Really, really, you need to do what’s right here and in the best interest. Leave him, go and live somewhere near school and parents and I’m not sure I’d rely on his parents for childcare as they may stick by him and leave you to it.
I don’t understand how you can bear to be there knowing what he’s been doing.

What a shit situation to be in OP, you've shown much greater patience than I would have, I would have had his balls by now!

Now I know I'm going to upset a lot of people here but have you thought about the revenge option? I'm nasty like that. I would pretend to be really enthusiastic about the Saudi job and suggest you get married ASAP. Then if he gets the job you say you'll follow on but obviously don't! . That way you'll have far more rights to stay in the house, claim pensions etc etc. Revenge is sweet and he's a bastard!

You need to leave him. My ex was a cheating bastard who had no respect for me, it was hard walking away as we have a child together but it was for the best for myself mentally and so my little boy didn't witness the hostality. Reading all the excuses you're making for him is really frustrating me, I know it is difficult but think of your children please.

Pretty sure you have to be married at least a year before being entitled to anything. How you you explain one day to your children why they don’t see their dad ‘because I wanted revenge’, they’re not going to understand that very well are they?

You have to be married a year to get divorced. You couldn't divorce for adultery if you chose to stay and six months have passed. Time spent living together beforehand may get taken into account, but essentially a marriage under 5 years is considered a short one and may consequently affect claims on assets.

Marriage really isn't the way to go here.

Agree category 12, it’s such a waste of money, effort and time, bloody hell the planning etc. It’s slightly ridiculous to say the least!
You need to get yourself organised and leave, you don’t need proof of an affair, you’ve seen the vile texts. He can deny it but you still have the power to make the decision to leave whatever lame, horrible excuses he comes up with.

Reading all this pissed me off!!.
You have to leave him! Love your self respect your self! His a twat.

I hope not.