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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does he need to know.

237 replies

Discodoc101 · 07/03/2019 21:45

Okay so I’ve NC for this.

Just over six years ago I had a drunken ONS. I was in a really bad place at the time and someone I knew through work gave me a lot of attention, flirty banter, just made me feel good about myself and we went too far. The problem was that it was at a work do and I became the talk of the place. Soon my DH found out and confronted me. I basically denied everything - shut down conversations about it. I’m not proud of this but I knew it would never happen again and I didn’t want to risk my marriage and my family for a stupid mistake. We had a bad few months but things gradually turned a corner and our life felt like it was back on track.

Anyway, my DH is moving offices and was storing some boxes in our garage. I noticed a few family photos and was having a look when I came across a folder. In the folder were transcripts of online counselling he had undergone with Relate and a journal that he has kept for meetings with another counsellor. This all relates to my ONS and the fact that he thinks I’ve lied about it ever since. It was years ago!!!

The problem is that some of these counselling sessions were still taking place in November and the stuff in the journal is awful - my behaviour has Destroyed him and he never lets on.

I just want this to go away but I wonder, after all this time, should I come clean? Would it make it better for him if he knew the truth? If anyone has any experience of a situation like this I’d love to know.

OP posts:

Fedupofthisrubbish · 07/03/2019 21:48

I think you should. Its torturing him.

Mrsmummy90 · 07/03/2019 21:53

100% tell him. He knows you lied and it's eating him up.
For the sake of his own mental health just be honest and stop with the lies!

AnyFucker · 07/03/2019 21:56

You should have told him in the 1st place

Fucking cruel behaviour and still you are only thinking of saving your own imperfect skin

Horrible

ChrisPrattsFace · 07/03/2019 21:58

You should have came clean at the time.
It saddens me you have to read about his mental and emotionl torture to even considering telling the truth.
He deserves better than you. He deserves honesty.

SausageSimon · 07/03/2019 22:00

I've been in your DH's position and it is absolute torture because every part of your being is telling you they're lying but the person you love is telling you the opposite.

He deserves so much more

Drogosnextwife · 07/03/2019 22:02

Well you have lied about it since so hardly surprising that he thinks you have. You should have come clean at the time. Did you think he would just forget about it?
How utterly selfish of you, and yes you should tell him now. If he has any sense he will leave you.

crunchie12 · 07/03/2019 22:09

Seriously, how do you sleep at night? This is madness, you should be ashamed of yourself. How you can live with the lie is beyond me. Put him out of his misery. He deserves so much better. You should've come clean when you had the chance. Despicable.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 07/03/2019 22:10

100% you should tell him. You are eroding his self worth, respect and esteem.

It’s crushing not knowing the truth. It hits you at weird times and little details come back to suck you back into it all.

You say you just want it to go away, think how he feels.

crunchie12 · 07/03/2019 22:10

And just because you were 'in a bad place' does not excuse it.

shedougahole · 07/03/2019 22:12

You should definitely tell him, that shouldn’t even be a question. A ONS is bad enough, but then to lie about it, and then not even confess when you know it’s damaging him very badly.

Offside · 07/03/2019 22:15

I find it quite offensive that you stress that it was ‘years ago!!!!’ you are basically saying he should be over it by now. How can he be over it when you haven’t given him a chance to be?

It doesn’t matter when it was, the fact you lied to him and continue to lie to him, when he knows the truth deep down is shattering for him. You should be ashamed of yourself that you’re even questioning whether you should tell him. Free him from his misery, so the right thing.

Feelingstupid123456789101112 · 07/03/2019 22:26

I hate to sound harsh, but you only seem bothered about how this affects you?

This all relates to my ONS and the fact that he thinks I’ve lied about it ever since. It was years ago!!!

You did lie and have been ever since. What does it matter how many years have passed? How long ago did you make your marriage vows? Are they also void because it was ‘years ago’?
The risk to your marriage and family was sleeping with someone else in the first place, not hiding it. Who wants a life built on lies? That is completely selfish.

He obviously hasn’t let it go because he knows in his gut what you did, but with no evidence what could he do? Tell him the truth.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 07/03/2019 22:28

The poor man. I think you have to tell him and deal with why the consequences are

LorelaiRoryEmily · 07/03/2019 22:28

*what not why

Dadaist · 07/03/2019 22:30

He will never forget, and the pain will have been agony. If you have any mercy you would tell him - even though it could end your marriage- he’s paid a heavy price for loving you.
If you do he will go through immense emotions-but I’d guess the overwhelming emotion will be relief. His sanity will be restored to him and he can find some peace.
I don’t know what will happen or what you think you deserve - but your lies will have caused far more pain and destruction than your infidelity.
Someone once said - a truth is spoken and it moves into your past that must be laid to rest. A lie becomes part of your future, and lives in you every day.

S021 · 07/03/2019 22:46

You have been incredibly cruel.

Denying and minimising it to yourself ‘it was years ago’.

Yes, he needs to know

Orange6904 · 07/03/2019 22:51

Poor guy. That's the worst, it makes you doubt everything and makes you wonder what else is a lie in your life.

Hopoindown31 · 07/03/2019 22:51

This all relates to my ONS and the fact that he thinks I’ve lied about it ever since. It was years ago!!!

Wow! Just wow!

He's right though isn't he...

blackcoffeeinbed · 07/03/2019 22:52

Tell him 100%. He knows the truth already and speaking from experience the lie is worse than the act itself.

My partner 3 years ago, worked delivering all over the uk. Long and short while he was near an area he used to live he met with a woman he used to date and spent the night with her in his hotel. First he denied seeing her.... then said they met for coffee.... I knew after seeing a message from this woman saying she hoped he'd be in the area again soon and how lovely the hotel was that he was lying through his teeth.In January he was pretty much forced to admit the truth. I'd accepted that he'd cheated a long time ago, it's the lies that I resent now, not just the lie but the whole concocted cover story and years of making out I was being a crazy control freak, it's insulting. He's lucky that I love him and won't let this ruin our family but it's ruined my trust and party of my sanity. Which he will have to live with now.

Tell your husband the truth, put him out of his misery and accept responsibility. 6 years is a long time to lie to your husband about this, I can totally understand why he would be suffering from poor mental health. It literally drives you mad, he's done nothing wrong and hasn't deserved the torture you've allowed him to go through. It's awful. Put yourself in his shoes?!

Bloggee · 07/03/2019 22:52

He didn’t get any closure. He didn’t get to heal. Your lies weren’t enough, he saw through it.
So to fuck whether it was years ago or yesterday. It’s raw still.

Orange6904 · 07/03/2019 22:52

Hit enter too soon. I agree with others, tell him and tell him the truth about why you lied about it. No more lies. He myst have thought he was going mad. I was lied to and gaslighted when my ex cheated and it really made me feel loopy. It's pretty cruel op. :(

Orange6904 · 07/03/2019 22:53

100% agree with above the lies and deception is what hurts.

Original poster

Discodoc101 · 07/03/2019 22:56

What I’ve done is awful. Some of the stuff I read is heartbreaking basically he’s wrestling with wanting to believe me and his own perceptions. He even writes about his own feelings of guilt because he can’t bring himself to believe me.

But he has not mentioned this to me for years, I thought we had moved on and before someone else says it - I thought I had got away with it - it was the biggest mistake of my life. I had no idea how he was feeling,

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 07/03/2019 22:59

Are you going to tell him the truth? For his own sanity?

Fairenuff · 07/03/2019 23:02

I think you should tell him the truth. This is what you would do if you really loved him. Loving someone means that you actually care about them. Be honest. Be prepared to lose him. But do it anyway.

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