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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he need to know.

237 replies

Discodoc101 · 07/03/2019 21:45

Okay so I’ve NC for this.

Just over six years ago I had a drunken ONS. I was in a really bad place at the time and someone I knew through work gave me a lot of attention, flirty banter, just made me feel good about myself and we went too far. The problem was that it was at a work do and I became the talk of the place. Soon my DH found out and confronted me. I basically denied everything - shut down conversations about it. I’m not proud of this but I knew it would never happen again and I didn’t want to risk my marriage and my family for a stupid mistake. We had a bad few months but things gradually turned a corner and our life felt like it was back on track.

Anyway, my DH is moving offices and was storing some boxes in our garage. I noticed a few family photos and was having a look when I came across a folder. In the folder were transcripts of online counselling he had undergone with Relate and a journal that he has kept for meetings with another counsellor. This all relates to my ONS and the fact that he thinks I’ve lied about it ever since. It was years ago!!!

The problem is that some of these counselling sessions were still taking place in November and the stuff in the journal is awful - my behaviour has Destroyed him and he never lets on.

I just want this to go away but I wonder, after all this time, should I come clean? Would it make it better for him if he knew the truth? If anyone has any experience of a situation like this I’d love to know.

OP posts:
blackcoffeeinbed · 07/03/2019 23:04

How can you still sit there questioning wether to tell him after reading that HE feels guilty for not believing you who is lying???

Girlzroolz · 07/03/2019 23:09

I wouldn’t tell him, unless I found evidence that it was still troubling him here and now.

He could well have processed it fully through these counsellors. He could have found closure, and made his decisions to stay on the basis of not believing you.

I’d say that what I’d be weighing up was his future happiness. If you tell him, 99% it’s over between you. If you think he’d repartner easily and go on to have a full and happy life then go ahead and give him the chance to do that by telling him.

If you think him staying with you, you truly committing to working hard on the factors that led to your ons, and being a terrific partner forever would mean greater happiness for him then don’t tell him. Keep it in the Vault, and throw away the key.

I may be a lone voice on this, I accept that, but life (and marriage) really isn’t as simple as ‘be honest and that’s it’. Plenty of people these days cause more harm than they mean to by proclaiming their ‘truths’. Some people love the drama and feeling of redemption when they offload a secret. Sometimes full disclosure Honesty is in conflict with Kindness. Only you know if this is one of those times.

RavenLG · 07/03/2019 23:11

I think you know if you told him the truth he would leave you and that is what you are worried about. Not the torture you are putting this man through. You owe him the truth at least. At least he will be able to move on, even if he can't get the past 6 years of mental anguish back.

sprouts21 · 07/03/2019 23:11

I've been in your Dh position.

He's stopped discussing this because he's sick of being lied to. He's stopped discussing his feelings with you because you don't seem to give a shit. He is EMOTIONALLY DETATCHING from you and it's highly likely the topic of divorce is going to come up in counselling.

Come clean or expect a divorce.

Namechangedforgoodreason · 07/03/2019 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AudTheDeepMinded · 07/03/2019 23:17

Bit personal there naming a poster Namechanged, not quite cricket Old Bean.

richdeniro · 07/03/2019 23:20

He will most likely need counselling for the rest of his life if you don't tell him.

As others have said the lie is worse than the act and he is most likely thinking about it everyday and the not knowing is killing him inside. He has probably avoided a nervous breakdown by going to therapy but the stress of it will still be there. I've been in your DH's position and the not knowing, questioning and plays on your mind all day long. It's mentally exhausting and heartbreaking. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

This is why people who have affairs and lie need to take a look at themselves with the destruction they inflict on others. The lack of empathy is astounding.

Ourmaud · 07/03/2019 23:22

How cruel. You’ve let him think he’s insane for such a long time. If you reversed this post people would be screaming about gaslighting and to ltb. Not to mention everyone in your workplace no doubt thinks he’s a mug for not knowing.

Please tell him- if you have any respect for him tell him and try to earn his trust back

Orange6904 · 07/03/2019 23:23

How are people being nasty? Sounds like it has really affected his mental health. I had to have counselling after my ex cheated, constant panic attacks and questioning your reality is nasty. My sympathy is with him.

Namechangedforgoodreason · 07/03/2019 23:26

If posters are for some reason royalty of MN I forgot my membership.

It's not constructive to always shout LTB or you are a bitch is it really? The poster needs advice not a kicking. Which to be honest is all a lot of posters do to get their own kicks

Human relationships are far more complicated and nuanced than that.

AudTheDeepMinded · 07/03/2019 23:28

All views welcome, targeting specific posters and naming them because you have a chip on your shoulder is not.

Fairenuff · 07/03/2019 23:38

He knows you lied to him.

So not only does he have to process the fact that you cheated, he also has to process the fact that you lied.

He must want to be with you or he would have left by now. Tell him the truth, tell him you are sorry and tell him that you don't want to lie to him anymore.

Original poster
Discodoc101 · 07/03/2019 23:42

It’s not just about us. We have two children - I’m terrified I could ruin things for them.

I’m also afraid of what it would do to him. He maybe thinks he wants to know but I think the truth may destroy him. It would just destroy so much of his life. We’ve been together since we were teenagers, his family is his life and I think confessing would remove all hope that he has. I think telling the truth would have massive consequences and I don’t mean that selfishly about me, I mean for him and our children.

I know I’m getting hammered here and I deserve it. I made a selfish, stupid mistake. When I said earlier that it was years ago - I meant that I had no idea of what he’s been going through. I knew he had doubts at the time but I thought he’d moved on, I didn’t know he was still thinking about this. But telling the truth could have massive consequences for all of us. It’s such a mess and all my fault.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 07/03/2019 23:52

Tell him the truth and go to counselling together. You are not getting hammered here. You are just hearing the uncomfortable truth. The fact that he is still thinking about it shows how much you are messing with his mind. Give him the peace he needs.

canyoufeedthedog · 08/03/2019 00:05

But you are not going to tell him the truth are you? So what will you do to help this man who you apparently love?? He KNOWS just like most spouses who have been cheated on know. It's awful of you to have that knowledge over him and so sad for your DH to live with it forever, but you are not listening to the responses. So sorry for your DH

canyoufeedthedog · 08/03/2019 00:08

And AF has helped a lot of people on here, me included. Just because she tells it like it is doesn't negate she is usually right .

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/03/2019 00:10

Not telling the truth is having massive consequences. On his self esteem, his mental health, his sense of self, his sanity.

Also on you because, although I know you want to save your skin above all else, deep down you know you’re a liar and you know you’re fucking him over. That can’t feel good.

Don’t be a coward.

Raspberrytruffle · 08/03/2019 00:11

OP I think either way if you don't admit the truth it will slowly tear your marriage apart and you will loose him, you tell him there's a chance he will leave you. I think if theres a minute chance of him forgiving you then tell him, either way say nothing and it's not going to end well. I also think its cruel allowing him to believe its all in his head. Can you imagine how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Being made to believe it's in your head. Be brave and stop worrying about yourself

lunar1 · 08/03/2019 00:14

Tell him, gaslighting him for six years is more than enough cruelty.

Fairenuff · 08/03/2019 00:15

I don't think OP will tell him.

I think this thread is a way of them offloading their guilt.

Much like a confessional.

AornisHades · 08/03/2019 00:16

So many times on here it's said he's not sorry, he's just sorry at being found out. Telling him won't be the cause of the trouble, your actions were the cause and you don't want to face it so you are finding reasons to avoid it.

canyoufeedthedog · 08/03/2019 00:16

Also second being brave. Do the right thing and tell him, but also tell him you love him and want to work at your relationship, then it's down to him as it should be, as it should have been, op you need to do the right thing

AlaskaSometimes · 08/03/2019 02:30

I can't believe you read his confidential, deeply private counselling journal.

The poor man. You are horrible.

Tell him. You cannot keep lying if you feel even a shred of emotion for him.

Frecklesonmyarm · 08/03/2019 03:23

I cant believe you cheated, then lied, then came across private stuff and just read them.

You have already ruined your marriage.

All these excuses about you cany tell him for him or for the kids is bollocks. The kids would be better served, having a dad that's not in such emotional torture

MsDogLady · 08/03/2019 04:03

Because of your cowardice and sense of entitlement to ‘get away with it’ at all costs, you have sacrificed your husband’s health, well-being, and peace of mind.

Yet you have benefitted from his love and devotion.

Finding that folder was a blessing. Use the knowledge of his suffering to give him the gift of truth and healing.