Does he need to know.

[Discodoc101]

Okay so I’ve NC for this.

Just over six years ago I had a drunken ONS. I was in a really bad place at the time and someone I knew through work gave me a lot of attention, flirty banter, just made me feel good about myself and we went too far. The problem was that it was at a work do and I became the talk of the place. Soon my DH found out and confronted me. I basically denied everything - shut down conversations about it. I’m not proud of this but I knew it would never happen again and I didn’t want to risk my marriage and my family for a stupid mistake. We had a bad few months but things gradually turned a corner and our life felt like it was back on track.

Anyway, my DH is moving offices and was storing some boxes in our garage. I noticed a few family photos and was having a look when I came across a folder. In the folder were transcripts of online counselling he had undergone with Relate and a journal that he has kept for meetings with another counsellor. This all relates to my ONS and the fact that he thinks I’ve lied about it ever since. It was years ago!!!

The problem is that some of these counselling sessions were still taking place in November and the stuff in the journal is awful - my behaviour has Destroyed him and he never lets on.

I just want this to go away but I wonder, after all this time, should I come clean? Would it make it better for him if he knew the truth? If anyone has any experience of a situation like this I’d love to know.

Yup.

Well done to you OP - it was not easy to come clean but he had a right to know. Just hang in there and continue to be loving, supportive and sorry. You have to remember he has been dealing with this for 6 years. He will not heal overnight just because he now knows the truth. He is likely to be hurt and feel numb - maybe when he can process things he will see that you came clean because you love him. Then he will hopefully see again the woman he fell in love with.

OP, for what it's worth, I think you've done a really brave thing. Everyone on here can throw advice and conjecture, but when it boils down to it, i think many would struggle to do what you did.

About 7 years ago I had the chance to have an affair. I wanted to. At the time my marriage was going through a difficult patch and I was both unhappy and lonely. My friend and I had become close and I was confiding in him far too much.

I didn't take him up on the offer of a relationship and cut off contact. I wanted my marriage and family to work.

I never told my husband. Nothing happened but the guilt I feel for considering and dipping my toe over the line is still, all these years on, something that haunts me. I know my husband has his suspicions about that time in our lives and I feel sick to think that it could have affected him the way it's affected me. I'm petrified to tell him because we have a life and a family and I genuinely don't know how he'll react. I have minimised it in my mind as an "almost' , but what if that's his "too far' ?

Yes, your husband is technically the victim in this but there's no flipping winners. You have done the right thing and I totally get why it took as long as it did for you to get there. Knowing the pain he was feeling, you did the right thing by him.

I know it doesn't make it easier. This will be shit for a long time. I just hope you both get the resolution you want.

How are you, OP? I've been wondering. Hope you manage to sort things out in time xx

Okay, I know this is an old thread but a lot of it resonates with my situation. I’d love to know how it turned out - are you still out there DiscoDoc?

Well - lets see. OP started off with a family that was past some old hurts, not completely, but past anyway.
She had guilt, her H has unresolved issues but they were under control. Kids were happy and unaware. (And issues and guilt would have been there anyway even if ONS was disclosed and dealt with, the impact lasts regardless)
OP came here and got the typical MN Black/White advice on truth is the only way, he deserves to know, etc.
World of pain ensued. On her, her H and kids. But because she was such a terrible person she, apparently deserved it.
Why her H and kids needed that extra pain in their lives is unclear.
MN’s advice turned that family live upside down and apparently it’s the way it’s supposed to be.
OP hasn’t been back - so - my guess things are either went worse, or they are living in some permanent hell.
How this is an improvement over the original status quo is mind boggling.

So - Monstermunch - it’s up to you what you do in your situation. Depends on how much additional damage you want to create.

I was hoping for a slightly more optimistic conclusion!

Monstermunch - this is real life. Not a fairy tale or a fantasy. People are imperfect. And truth isn’t always the only right way.
OP made a mistake. Human. She resolved to not repeat it and was already punished enough with guilt over years.
This was enough.
However she was encouraged to spread the pain around. To her H and her children too.
There is unlikely to be coming back from that.

MMmomDD she had to tell him once she realised he was still hurting over it!

If it was my life, I’d want the truth no matter how much it hurt and I believe she did the right thing by telling him. It was still causing him immense pain and with the OP knowing that there’s no way things could have continued on without the underlying knowledge affecting them.

You're reading his counselling transcripts!?

Alaska - how do you know? He clearly was even more hurt and who knows how long it’ll take him to get over this new revelation. If he get does, that is.
Alternatively - OP could have put more efforts in being the best wife she can be. To make him more loved in the present, to me make them closer, etc.
And the family would have survived and kids not affected.