Does he need to know.

[Discodoc101]

Okay so I’ve NC for this.

Just over six years ago I had a drunken ONS. I was in a really bad place at the time and someone I knew through work gave me a lot of attention, flirty banter, just made me feel good about myself and we went too far. The problem was that it was at a work do and I became the talk of the place. Soon my DH found out and confronted me. I basically denied everything - shut down conversations about it. I’m not proud of this but I knew it would never happen again and I didn’t want to risk my marriage and my family for a stupid mistake. We had a bad few months but things gradually turned a corner and our life felt like it was back on track.

Anyway, my DH is moving offices and was storing some boxes in our garage. I noticed a few family photos and was having a look when I came across a folder. In the folder were transcripts of online counselling he had undergone with Relate and a journal that he has kept for meetings with another counsellor. This all relates to my ONS and the fact that he thinks I’ve lied about it ever since. It was years ago!!!

The problem is that some of these counselling sessions were still taking place in November and the stuff in the journal is awful - my behaviour has Destroyed him and he never lets on.

I just want this to go away but I wonder, after all this time, should I come clean? Would it make it better for him if he knew the truth? If anyone has any experience of a situation like this I’d love to know.

He maybe thinks he wants to know but I think the truth may destroy him.

It's the lies that are destroying him.

I would contact his counselor, tell him/her you found and read the folder, and ask if coming clean would help your husband.

I would contact his counselor, tell him/her you found and read the folder, and ask if coming clean would help your husband.

Dont do this. The counsellor wouldn't be able to discuss this anyway and it's another invasion of privacy

All you care about is yourself, you've made this thread to make you feel less guilty. You care not one jot about your husband. You only care about yourself, and your lifestyle; whilst actively watching your lies harm your husband. You're special aren't you....

He 99% already knows- but it’s an itch he can’t scratch and it’s doing his head in.

If you love and respect him you have to tell him. This isn’t one of those scenarios where you had an ONS and he is blissfully unaware- in that case my advice would be different - keep quiet.

I have no idea how the conversation will go - the only thing you can say about how sorry you are about the ONS and you didn’t realise what a profound effect your continued denying has had on him.

I’ve decided I’m going to tell him. The kids are away all day tomorrow so I’ll talk to him then. I’ve no idea what I’m going to say and I’m afraid this will break his heart but he needs to know.

Thanks for your replies

Well done. You're doing the right thing.

Just make sure you do. It's easy to talk yourself out of it, use the dxcusesyou used earlier on the thread.

You know it's the right thing

You need to tell him, as, let's face it, he already knows. I think it'll be a relief to him xx

Well done OP.

I would tell him the truth. Tell him that you found his journals and read them. You thought he was 'over' the incident but now you see that it is really hurting him and not going away on it's own. Tell him that you love him and you're so sorry that you lied to him. Tell him that you are telling him now in the hope that you can both work together to come to terms with what you did and try to rebuild some trust.

Let him ask what he wants and answer him honestly. Don't try to excuse what you did or minimise it. Give him lots and lots of time and offer to go to counselling with him as well as him continuing with his own 1-1 counselling.

If you stay together he may bring this up over and over. You need to accept that as it's part of the healing process. You can't change the past but you can make a better future.

I really hope you do, OP. Hopefully it bring closure for your DH and he can start mending internally.

His heart was already broken as shown by the diaries and counselling. Good luck op. Hope he can rebuild his mental health knowing the truth.

Good luck tomorrow op

I see your update op, I hope you stick with it.

I've been betrayed by a partner and its the lying that is the worst thing. You literally tear yourself apart, it's never ending. I promise you, he needs to know the truth. You cannot let him live on like this. It's incredibly cruel.

Any update?

I suspect she’s bottled it

How did you get on, op? Thinking of you xx

Well I told him.
And he’s left.

Awful to watch someone you love just break in front of you. He thanked me for telling him, put on his coat and left. His phones switched off and he’s gone. It’s nothing more than I deserve.

I just feel numb.

When did he go? Do you know anyone who can reach out to him?

Disco, you absolutely did the right thing by honoring his dignity and telling him the truth.

At least you have done the right thing on this occasion: I hope for everyone's sake you can sort things out

😭😭 I hope things work out for you x

I thought he would leave.

I hope you're both going to be ok.