Does he need to know.

[Discodoc101]

Okay so I’ve NC for this.

Just over six years ago I had a drunken ONS. I was in a really bad place at the time and someone I knew through work gave me a lot of attention, flirty banter, just made me feel good about myself and we went too far. The problem was that it was at a work do and I became the talk of the place. Soon my DH found out and confronted me. I basically denied everything - shut down conversations about it. I’m not proud of this but I knew it would never happen again and I didn’t want to risk my marriage and my family for a stupid mistake. We had a bad few months but things gradually turned a corner and our life felt like it was back on track.

Anyway, my DH is moving offices and was storing some boxes in our garage. I noticed a few family photos and was having a look when I came across a folder. In the folder were transcripts of online counselling he had undergone with Relate and a journal that he has kept for meetings with another counsellor. This all relates to my ONS and the fact that he thinks I’ve lied about it ever since. It was years ago!!!

The problem is that some of these counselling sessions were still taking place in November and the stuff in the journal is awful - my behaviour has Destroyed him and he never lets on.

I just want this to go away but I wonder, after all this time, should I come clean? Would it make it better for him if he knew the truth? If anyone has any experience of a situation like this I’d love to know.

nespresso

Come on.
Surely you can see how dramatic you're being you are a stranger to him
Behave yourself! You don't know either OP or her partner.
Some of the blatant projections on this thread really are beyond the pale.

I would suggest couples counselling to him @Discodoc101 he may be open to the idea of relate together.
You clearly love him and regret it and he loved you enough to go to counselling when you said to him the accusations were ruining the marriage.
I hope it works out for you both, the lies were shitty but done now so you both need to find a way forward somehow

“Had I known about the impact this has had on him or the counselling I would have confessed much sooner” except that for a few months he was very affected - and you told him that be needed to get over it or it would impact on your marriage. So you weren’t just a coward OP - a coward lies to protect themselves- but you felt far more powerful than that. And you should never have had that power - let alone use it against someone who trusted you so much.

I actually think it takes balls - real brass neck - to tell someone they are threatening the relationship by not trusting you when you are lying. And what you fear now is loss of control- which is why things are crumbling. Should you really be with someone who is only with you because you are a good powerful liar? Is there any real balance, or respect?

I get that you think it was a long time ago - but your DH has only just had his long held suspicions confirmed. And every day form that day to this has been possible because of the imbalance in your relationship- where he felt he couldn’t rock the boat or call you out on what would be obvious to anyone who loved you less.

And have you stopped to think of the humiliation- that everyone else knew that you were making a fool of him? And how much he didn’t want it to be true - but you made it a deal breaker - believe me or our marriage will suffer.
Let’s be honest OP - when you came here you made out this was an impulsive one off drunken ONS that you’d shut down and benn believed (or so you thought).

But it turns out you turned the screw - and made him the bad guy for not believing you.

And you knew how much he suffered - even if not for how long, and you thought only of yourself. That’s not cowardice OP - that’s narcissistic and horrible. And he is going to turn the tables now - because he sees you for who you are. And the absolute worst thing you can do now is refuse to take ownership- and show ever more narcissism and selfishness, rather than recognise that six years ago you ended your marriage and didn’t tell him.

Dadaist - are you MysticMeg? How you’ve been able to deduce all of this from a few posts is truly remarkable. I actually think it takes balls - crystal balls to come up with your conclusions. Oh, and they don’t help anyone - not me, not my DH, not my family but you work away. Knock yourself out...

To me and others it reads that he just confronted you once in the op and you had a bad few months after but later you say he said he had doubts in those months.

I’m not expecting OP it say everything but I do think there have been a few times that the language is purposely ambiguous. This may be to your own guilt or just not knowing what to put.

I think you aren’t being 100% honest with yourself. You also haven’t mentioned why you cheated, which is admirable that you’re not justifying it, because there isn’t justification but there is be a reason.

It will be a question that comes up in counselling. Hopefully you can persuade him to go but at the same time it’s up to him if he can feel he can ever trust you again.

Either way counselling can be good. You can communicate things much easier with someone else guiding the conversation and you seeing things differently.

I’ve tried to be helpful OP - but you’ve come out all guns blazing- and I don’t need a crystal ball to re-state what you’ve already shared. I’ve made no predictions! If I’ve got something wrong I’ll hold my hand up, but you need to take responsibility for all of this - not try to excuse yourself and share the blame with DH.

Op
So many times on mn when women post saying should they tell they get told to stay quiet.

You did what you thought you needed and then when you needed you came
Clean.

Hats off to you . I wish you well and really hope you and your dh can move forward from this . I guess you just pulled the rug from under him
And it'll take some processing.

Good luck . 💐

Was it my ‘prediction’ that “he’s going to turn the tables”? Because you said he’s sleeping elsewhere - he doesn’t think he knows who you are - and doesn’t see why he shouldn’t be with his children. I’m guessing he’d have never said those things before, ? -and things are turning. So perhaps I’m wrong - but that’s what it sounds from what you’ve said. No crystal ball required.

In actual fact Dadist you 'predicted' that OP is a narcissist, or at the very least suffeting from some narcissistic tendencies.

May I remind you that this is a person whom you have not met.

You also told her that she 'ended her relationship six years ago' when the only person qualified to make such an assertion is her DH and, so far as we know he hasn't yet done so.

You may think all of this conjecture and suppostion is helpful. I'd wager its serves your injured ego far more so than it does the OP or her DH.

I said it’s narcissistic- which we are all capable of being in certain circumstances. And recognising ones own narcissistic behaviour is important- it’s not a prediction or a psychological diadnosis.

Dadaist - you’ve tried to be helpful - where? What advice have you offered, what empathy have you shown? All I’ve seen is wildly speculation.

In future I have a new rule for myself on here: if it’s not helpful and if I can’t express it with some sort of kindness then I just won’t bother.

You're still not sufficiently in possession of the facts to make that statement.

Ditto predicting the end of her marriage.

Oh - and it’s common place to acknowledge that infidelity creates the need to end the old relationship and start again - or separate- but things will never be the same - and that’s what I meant. Plus adultory is a deal breaker for probably the majority of married people, and certainly breaks a marriage vow. So yes - I’d say that the marriage OP had ended that night. But it’s not so important to what’s going on for OP now.

In fact Dadist you are rude and projecting unnessecarily.

Bad form.

Op I really feel for you. Good people can make bad choices especially in their younger early 20's years (not saying you were that age but possibly). And what a wonderful Web we weave when first we practise to deceive. It is hard to back out of a lie and you thought this was all sufficiently swept under the rug for the last 6 years. I'm sure finding the transcripts was a massive shock to you. You did make a mistake and then made a choice - rightly or wrongly - of what you thought would work best for your family, you had no idea your husband would suffer these doubts so badly in silence for the next 6 years. It will take him time to get over the initial bombshell, but I do believe he will come around. I definitely would suggest to him couples counselling, let him know that you are willing to try whatever it takes to save the marriage and help him in any way possible come to terms with this. I wish you the best.

Oh quit your backpeddaling and just apologise for going off the deep end Dadist

Its fine, its completely understandable if OP's situation has parralels with something you've experienced which has made you project somewhat.

However, you have seemingly been less than helpful in the view of OP. If she doesn't find your post helpful then you really have no business withholding your apology if you did in fact intend to be of positive assistance by way of engaging with her thread.

Well - when I said
“I think you’ve been really brave OP. Now you’ll have to allow him to process what you’ve shared with him. He didn’t need to say anything because he’s gone over this hundreds of times in his own head - what it means if you were lying to him.
If you want some pointers now you could read up on how to respond to a betrayed partner. But - as everyone has said - it’s the lies that will have done the damage - and he’ll need to know what has been lies and just as importantly- what hasn’t been.
I hope this doesn’t end your marriage and that you can begin a new relationship, and you deserve credit for facing up to what you’ve done. I wish you luck OP.” - I had intended to be supportive, plus I said

“But I do think that having confessed - you stand the chance of something more real-if he can forgive you.
For what it’s worth OP - it was a ONS, a bad decision-but not a prolonged affair. It’s in the past - and at least now it can be put there.”

But I just think you’re not facing up to the harm done by demanding that he believed you. I think it’s absolutely at the heart of things. Genuinely OP - you need to see it as more than cowardice.

Agreed, it would have been great if you'd stopped at that point.

Sorry - Lots of cross posts saying I should apologise-
I really don’t think I’ve said anything dreadfully hurtful, but perhaps written in haste things can be read differently. I’m not out to hurt people either. Others have actually said far worse than me about OPs behaviour. I’ll continue to say that OP needs to face up to the harm caused by gaslighting - and not see it as just avoiding being found out, or the healing can’t happen. But I’m sorry if I’ve been out of order in expressing that.

Honestly, forgive yourself. Human beings are prone to doing stupid hurtful things. Give him time to process your confession and then when the time is right you need a frank discussion re whether what you have can be saved. The fact he's back is a start. Good luck x

You're right Dadaist there has been lots of unwarranted projection throughout this thread, and you haven't been the worst offender.

FWIW i think its when OP realised that she had in fact gaslighted her DH with her denials, and I believe she did so inadvertently, that she sought to make amends and posted here.

She knows what she has done, she just needed some help to resolve her actions in the least damaging way possible.

Hopefully she manages to do so.

I agree - people react and behave without thinking through the real implications. For most people on MN - gaslighting is abusive and there is never an excuse. I think people can behave abusively without being labelled abusers. But It rarely goes down well here.

Anyway - I sense that OP hasn’t grasped the really plrofound impact of the stage in her marriage when she turned his doubt about her lies into a flaw in him that threatened their relationship. Whatever the motive (and I’m sure fear, regret and shame are driving forces) the experience for the other person can surely be earth shattering?

So if you want forgiveness OP - I really do think you will need to see the difference that crucial episode has made to how things look for your DH now. Not the infidelity, not even the denial - but the use of his love for you against him.

If OP was a man I bet the more sympathetic responses wouldn't exist.

OP I feel for you because you are sorry and realise the damage you have caused although I still think you are mainly focused on yourself and you are sorry you've had to tell the truth instead of continuing to live a lie.
You are paying the price for a terrible yet premeditated mistake and your poor husband has had his works ripped apart.?

I hope in time you can both sort things out and become stronger together but for me the trust would be gone for good.

Im glad you told him OP, i dont think its ever right to keep secrets but you did and you cant change the past, youv done the right thing now and thats better than nothing.
The word narcissist is thrown around so much on this site its lost all true meaning. I dont think half of the people who use it actually understand what it is to be a true narcissist.
I hope everything works out for you OP, and i hope your DH can now find peace.

OP is exhibiting classic abusive behaviour.

Deny
Lie
Gaslight
Minimise
Blame

That's what her dh is trying to deal with right now.

If OP were a man all the 'brave' posters would be handing him his arse. Hypocrisy is alive and well on this thread.