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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he need to know.

237 replies

Discodoc101 · 07/03/2019 21:45

Okay so I’ve NC for this.

Just over six years ago I had a drunken ONS. I was in a really bad place at the time and someone I knew through work gave me a lot of attention, flirty banter, just made me feel good about myself and we went too far. The problem was that it was at a work do and I became the talk of the place. Soon my DH found out and confronted me. I basically denied everything - shut down conversations about it. I’m not proud of this but I knew it would never happen again and I didn’t want to risk my marriage and my family for a stupid mistake. We had a bad few months but things gradually turned a corner and our life felt like it was back on track.

Anyway, my DH is moving offices and was storing some boxes in our garage. I noticed a few family photos and was having a look when I came across a folder. In the folder were transcripts of online counselling he had undergone with Relate and a journal that he has kept for meetings with another counsellor. This all relates to my ONS and the fact that he thinks I’ve lied about it ever since. It was years ago!!!

The problem is that some of these counselling sessions were still taking place in November and the stuff in the journal is awful - my behaviour has Destroyed him and he never lets on.

I just want this to go away but I wonder, after all this time, should I come clean? Would it make it better for him if he knew the truth? If anyone has any experience of a situation like this I’d love to know.

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 09/03/2019 22:33

Basically he has to process 6 years of lies. But at least he can start to process it but it will be as raw for him now as if you’d done it yesterday.
I’m afraid that whatever happens next you’re likely to be little more than a passenger

TidyDancer · 09/03/2019 22:33

I'm sorry this has been the outcome OP, mainly sorry for your DH obviously, but regardless....

I would be careful about speaking to other people to try to track him down unless you think he might be a danger to himself at the moment. Who knows and what they know should be up to him. He may not thank you for involving others.

You need to give him time but be prepared for this to not be repairable.

Mrsmummy90 · 09/03/2019 22:37

Well done. I hope you can work through things.

Original poster
Discodoc101 · 09/03/2019 22:51

It’s what I deserve, I just hope he’s okay

OP posts:
HelloItsMe · 09/03/2019 22:53

If you have any respect for your partner then you should..

Raspberrytruffle · 10/03/2019 00:14

OP you dont deserve to be punished your not a bad person, you made a human mistake. It wont feel good now but you will be so relieved that it's all out now. Give him time to process things x

Frecklesonmyarm · 10/03/2019 00:32

OP you dont deserve to be punished your not a bad person, you made a human mistake.

No she isn't an entirely bad person. But this isn't punishment. Its consequences. Not only did she cheat, she lied every day for years. She thought she got away with it. She made him feel he needed counselling, gaslighted etc.

She does deserve the consequences.

willyougobacktobed · 10/03/2019 00:39

@Discodoc101 I know you've had a hard time on this thread but you've been really brave and absolutely done the right thing here. It must have been really hard so absolute respect for you to own up Thanks

Halo84 · 10/03/2019 00:43

I don’t think she did the right thing, if his reaction is any indication. It was about her, and her guilt, not him.

AornisHades · 10/03/2019 00:45

Well done for doing the honourable thing Flowers Hopefully he will walk around for a couple of hours and be distant for a few days before you thrash it out. You'll be starting from a good place then.

Orange6904 · 10/03/2019 00:57

@Halo84 He's probably processing it as another poster said. It is the right thing, it affects your mental health being lied to like that.

Halo84 · 10/03/2019 01:40

Sausage, if she’d come clean at the time, I would agree. As she didn’t and he believed her, I think she should have carried the burden of her lie, and not placed the burden on him. In his shoes, I’d be wondering what else my spouse lied about. Nevertheless, what’s done is done. I do hope things work out for you, OP.

Frecklesonmyarm · 10/03/2019 01:50

He didn't believe her. He just swallowed it. He was in counselling because it weighed on him.

It was impacting him

MyOtherProfile · 10/03/2019 05:05

What Freckles said. He didn't believe her and has needed counselling to cope with the ons coupled with being lied to all these years. I really hope the poor man can find some peace soon.

BlackPrism · 10/03/2019 05:17

Of course you should... as someone who was unfaithful I couldn't NOT tell him!!

AusFrosty · 10/03/2019 05:33

OP - don’t be too down on yourself.

Sure you made poor choices in the past- but once you found out the ongoing effect this was having on him, I don’t think you had a lot of options- you did the right thing.

100% this will be a tough ride -but I hope it works out for you. You obviously love your husband and I hope he sees that and forgives you

ShizeItsWeegie · 10/03/2019 05:48

Just because he has gone doesn't been he will stay gone. He might need time to process this and return.
I think you have done the right thing in light of your new discovery as your marriage was built on a lie and things can move forward now even if that is apart.

rainbowstardrops · 10/03/2019 06:06

Hopefully he just needs some time away to process what you've told him. Whether he then decides to stay with you is another matter entirely.
I can't stand cheating but you made one silly mistake that has got way out of hand.
I hope you're both ok Thanks

hiddeneverything · 10/03/2019 06:35

He'll come back - just give him space

hardyloveit · 10/03/2019 07:10

You are being incredibly selfish!
Your poor dh has been battling with this ever since and has pretended everything is okay but has been destroying him inside!

Your terrified it would ruin everything.... maybe you shouldn't have. Cheated in the first place!!!!!!

YOU are to blame here. If it ruins your marriage etc YOU are the reason no one else but YOU!

It may destroy your husband to finally know the truth although he obviously already does but has been going mad thinking it!

He deserves the truth!

If I were him I would never forgive you- I may have to begin with if you hadn't lied but not after all this time!

If you end up lonely it's your own fault!

PandaSky · 10/03/2019 07:24

Oh FFS. Another thread where people are going to continue posting without RTFT.

hardyloveit is there a reason you didn't RTFT before posting? Did you just have to have your say whether it was relevant to the post or not?

hardyloveit · 10/03/2019 07:37

Oh I'm sorry ..... first person to never not rtft!!! My mistake however I stand by what I said!!!

hardyloveit · 10/03/2019 07:38
  • never rtft
Borderterrierpuppy · 10/03/2019 07:42

Oh no, but we’ll done for telling him.
We are all human.

ForTheLoveOfDoughnuts · 10/03/2019 07:42

You did the right thing. Hopefully you can work through this.