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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he need to know.

237 replies

Discodoc101 · 07/03/2019 21:45

Okay so I’ve NC for this.

Just over six years ago I had a drunken ONS. I was in a really bad place at the time and someone I knew through work gave me a lot of attention, flirty banter, just made me feel good about myself and we went too far. The problem was that it was at a work do and I became the talk of the place. Soon my DH found out and confronted me. I basically denied everything - shut down conversations about it. I’m not proud of this but I knew it would never happen again and I didn’t want to risk my marriage and my family for a stupid mistake. We had a bad few months but things gradually turned a corner and our life felt like it was back on track.

Anyway, my DH is moving offices and was storing some boxes in our garage. I noticed a few family photos and was having a look when I came across a folder. In the folder were transcripts of online counselling he had undergone with Relate and a journal that he has kept for meetings with another counsellor. This all relates to my ONS and the fact that he thinks I’ve lied about it ever since. It was years ago!!!

The problem is that some of these counselling sessions were still taking place in November and the stuff in the journal is awful - my behaviour has Destroyed him and he never lets on.

I just want this to go away but I wonder, after all this time, should I come clean? Would it make it better for him if he knew the truth? If anyone has any experience of a situation like this I’d love to know.

OP posts:
AlaskaSometimes · 10/03/2019 08:09

I still can’t believe you read his private journals from counselling. I hope he leaves and eventually heals from this highly toxic situation. I’m glad you finally told him and hope in the future you manage to get to a place where you can move forward from this. Your decision to lie and gaslight him has caused such huge pain and consequences for you both.

Crystalintheeyes · 10/03/2019 08:23

How are you? Have you heard from him?

deadsexy · 10/03/2019 08:50

You did the right thing, well done

S021 · 10/03/2019 09:05

I understand you will be feeling bad right now Disco BUT you will start to feel better because you have done the right thing, however hard it was.

You can both now start to heal 💐

Girlofgold · 10/03/2019 09:23

Good luck to you and your family op.

Forgiveness2019 · 10/03/2019 12:10

Has he come back or been in touch?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/03/2019 12:26

I wish you peace OP. You've given your husband the dignity of truth and he can no stop doubting himself and questioning why he felt so in despair about things.

There's that old saying, from the bible I think - "... and the truth shall set your free".

Good on you for telling him. Ultimately he will decide whether he wants to be with you but regardless, you are also free to make your own decisions for your own life too. Best wishes to you.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2019 12:32

That was incredibly brave of you.

Many many people wouldn't have been able to do that. They would have just thrown themselves into the relationship and treating their spouse like a king/queen out of guilt.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/03/2019 12:50

You might be able to work through it.

But you have absolutely done the right thing either way.

Dadaist · 10/03/2019 17:47

I think you’ve been really brave OP. Now you’ll have to allow him to process what you’ve shared with him. He didn’t need to say anything because he’s gone over this hundreds of times in his own head - what it means if you were lying to him.
If you want some pointers now you could read up on how to respond to a betrayed partner. But - as everyone has said - it’s the lies that will have done the damage - and he’ll need to know what has been lies and just as importantly- what hasn’t been.
I hope this doesn’t end your marriage and that you can begin a new relationship, and you deserve credit for facing up to what you’ve done. I wish you luck OP.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 10/03/2019 18:17

I think you were very brave telling him and I hope he comes back and you can work through it

Redrosebush · 10/03/2019 18:39

You should tell him the truth. The reason you never told him in the first place was to save your own skin. The reason you didn’t tell him the truth was because he wasn’t worth the truth!

Ginger1982 · 10/03/2019 18:40

Read the full thread people...🙄

user1498572889 · 10/03/2019 19:46

Has he been in touch?

Original poster
Discodoc101 · 10/03/2019 20:39

He came home this afternoon to pick up some things. He spoke to our DC and told them he has to go away with work for a few days.

We only got to speak for a minute, I apologised again but he just told me he has no idea who I am. He said he could forgive the ONS, it was a mistake, but to lie about it all this time was a choice I made everyday.

He’s gone to stay with his brother and has told me not to contact him until he decides what he wants to do. I’m hopeful that he didn’t tell the kids - but I don’t know what’s going to happen

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 10/03/2019 21:30

You have to leave it with him now. He is right, surely you can see this. It's the lies that kill a relationship more than anything. He has to come to terms with six years of living a lie. It will take a long, long time OP. Be prepared for that. All you can do now is give him the space and time he needs.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 10/03/2019 21:30

I’m hopeful that he didn’t tell the kids

Why? Are you worried what he would tell them when you're not there to protect your image?

I would be surprised if your marriage could continue. Whatever you did aside, you confessed because you felt so bad after invading his privacy enormously by reading those notes. As if it was fine to lie your arse off all that time as long as he could handle it. As if it's fine to read his private therapy then confront him about it. Do you even understand how hard HE has worked to keep your marriage together even though he is innocent?

He has worked a thousand times harder than you have to find it was all for nothing. If he can get past that level of betrayal, he is a very unusual man.

PS to the 'brave' posters: six years of gaslighting is emotional abuse. An abuser is not brave for admitting the truth. Fuck right off.

SparklySneakers · 10/03/2019 21:37

My eldest dc have known their dad to be a liar since they were 5 and 4 because he lied to them as well as me. You can't fool kids. Now they are older and have put two and two together they know he's a cheat too. They have no respect for him.
Six years of lying OP. You seem more worried about saving face than sorry for what you have done to your family. Your husband sounds like a very rare and special man. I hope he finds peace of mind and heart in time.
You need to focus on making sure the children are ok. Do they think he's working away or are they savvy and know something is up?
I'd recommend therapy for you too and hope no one breaches your privacy.

S021 · 10/03/2019 21:44

Redrosebush
The reason you didn’t tell him the truth was because he wasn’t worth the truth!

What a ridiculous statement.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2019 22:00

PS to the 'brave' posters: six years of gaslighting is emotional abuse. An abuser is not brave for admitting the truth. Fuck right off

It comes across as though this thread has triggered you.

I dont think the issue has born raised every day for 6 years.

The OP thought her H had forgotten about it or that he believed her. Of course she did wrong. She knows and has accepted that.

You may not think confessing after so long is brave, but I do. It takes a whole lot of courage, knowing what you're about to tell your spouse could end the marriage. You're extremely judgemental and why are you telling strangers to f off.

OP... quite often even after an affair is exposed... it's the trickle truth and lies that do the damage.

PinkiOcelot · 10/03/2019 22:08

Redrose, how the hell would you know how the poor bloke deserved the truth or not?! What a bloody ridiculous comment!

PinkiOcelot · 10/03/2019 22:10

So you see OP, had you told the truth at the time, he would have been devastated but probably would have forgiven you. Looks like it’s your 6 years of lying that has floored him!

hardyloveit · 11/03/2019 06:51

Op your still only thinking of yourself!! Think how your poor husband feels! You have gaslighted him for 6 years!

To all the posters calling the op "brave" if this was the other way round and it was the husband who had gaslighted her so much she had become so tormented inside you would never call the man brave for admitting the truth! Stop having double standards!

hiddeneverything · 11/03/2019 13:40

Hope you're doing ok op. It's ok to think of yourself and unburden yourself on here, as people irl might not be so supportive. Keep us updated x

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/03/2019 19:24

I agree with SandyY2K, really thoughtful advice too.

hardyloveit, caught up with the thread finally have you? Kindly stop telling posters how they should think and post. You have no idea of what's going on in OP's marriage anymore than anybody else does and she doesn't need your kicking.