Does he need to know.

[Discodoc101]

Okay so I’ve NC for this.

Just over six years ago I had a drunken ONS. I was in a really bad place at the time and someone I knew through work gave me a lot of attention, flirty banter, just made me feel good about myself and we went too far. The problem was that it was at a work do and I became the talk of the place. Soon my DH found out and confronted me. I basically denied everything - shut down conversations about it. I’m not proud of this but I knew it would never happen again and I didn’t want to risk my marriage and my family for a stupid mistake. We had a bad few months but things gradually turned a corner and our life felt like it was back on track.

Anyway, my DH is moving offices and was storing some boxes in our garage. I noticed a few family photos and was having a look when I came across a folder. In the folder were transcripts of online counselling he had undergone with Relate and a journal that he has kept for meetings with another counsellor. This all relates to my ONS and the fact that he thinks I’ve lied about it ever since. It was years ago!!!

The problem is that some of these counselling sessions were still taking place in November and the stuff in the journal is awful - my behaviour has Destroyed him and he never lets on.

I just want this to go away but I wonder, after all this time, should I come clean? Would it make it better for him if he knew the truth? If anyone has any experience of a situation like this I’d love to know.

Does he know you read his therapy journal?

Well I think you've done well to come clean. The only way to continue now is to be completely open and honest. Absolutely no more lies. As you see, he didn't fall for it.

Best thing now is that you give him space, answer his questions truthfully and try and be as supportive as you can. Not much else you can do.

Good luck.

Ok, so I thought I should update.

We have talked. I’ve apologised again for the ONS and hiding it. I’ve explained that I thought he had put his suspicions behind him years ago and, if I’d had any idea it was causing him this much pain I would have confessed years ago. I told him it was a stupid drunken mistake and as I knew it would never be repeated I thought the best way to deal with it was to just let it drift into the past. I have felt guilty about it ever since but I had no idea he thought about it at all as all he had were suspicions.

He’s very calm, almost detached. He rightly points out that he doesn’t know who I am and that there can never be trust in our relationship because of the ONS and the years of lies. I think at the moment he is just numb - he says it feels like there’s been a death in the family.

I’ll answer any questions he has and stay patient but I don’t think things are looking hopeful.

I just wanted to thank people for taking an interest and for providing helpful replies.

Hang in there OP - he may come to see that this was a single time, something you deeply regret and would never repeat and is the only thing you’ve deceived him about. But because you were so dismissive of him when confronted, he will be questioning how authentic you are.

It wasn’t that I was dismissive - I was afraid, ashamed and I was a coward. I didn’t trust him enough to tell the truth, I didn’t want to deal with the consequences and, in the absence of proof, I thought it was kinder to him as well. It’s just that once you’ve told a lie it is hard going back. I had no idea he has been in so much pain over the years or I would have told him sooner.

Instead of feeling about it alot & thinking for so long, it would be best if you go & tell him the truth.

I think you did the right thing whatever the outcome.

It IS like a death in the family, the person he thought you were is dead. His life feels like it's been a lie. All his plans for the future are in question now. The life he thought he was going to have is gone.

You are now a proven liar, anything you say now can't be trusted.

However if you hope to reconcile you need to be totally remorseful. Actions are key, not pretty words. Read the book, How To Help You Spouse Heal From An Affair, do the things suggested and hopefully there's a chance.

Has he said how he feels about you reading his journals? I’m really not sure I could get past my DH doing that.

There’s an awful lot for him to work through.

Do you feel you’ve been able to tell him what you said in your post at 17:38?

Do you think it would help to write him a letter?

I know you were fearful and cowardly- but that’s not how you DH would have experienced your reaction. You said you denied everything and shut down conversation. You can only do that with someone who Ioves you and totally trusts you. And you used that against him - to your advantage.

You used the power over him that you had because he loved you, and wouldn’t want to hurt your relationship. Someone else you lied to about something really significant in their life would want further interrogation or repeated questioning and not take denial as an answer. But he couldn’t - and my guess is that his love for you allowed you to make a fool of him.
So whatever your feelings were at the time, what he experienced was someone who abused his trust for their own selfish gain. That’s what I think you need to address. And because it’s been so long - it’s like you have stolen so much of his life - did he stay because be couldn’t be sure?
But I do think that having confessed - you stand the chance of something more real-if he can forgive you.
For what it’s worth OP - it was a ONS, a bad decision-but not a prolonged affair. It’s in the past - and at least now it can be put there.

I think you did the right thing OP he deserved to know the truth.

My ex cheated on me for years (I know its different to a ONS) with a so called friend. I confronted both of them so many times, they denied it, I could never find any proof . In the end we split up because of it. I genuinely thought I was going crazy, I questioned everything. Every interaction between them, every look, every message - I once found a text saying you know I love you. They were friends before and I was friends with her because of him, they both said it was in a ‘friend’ way.

Anyway my point is I knew they had slept together and when I found out several years later, after we had been split for years, the relief I felt was overwhelming. It’s wasn’t the sex, yes that hurt, but the way they had lied to me, the way they had made me feel. I can’t really put it into words tbh. I would imagine your DH is going through all of those emotions now and only tike will tell if he can forgive you and move on.

I think the lies have destroyed your relationship far more than the ONS ever could have.

You have looked him in the eyes and lied to him for years. I couldn’t ever get past that.

He rightly points out that he doesn’t know who I am and that there can never be trust in our relationship because of the ONS and the years of lies. I think at the moment he is just numb - he says it feels like there’s been a death in the family.

This describes precisely how I felt

OP you did the right thing.

I know it feels awful but it's the right thing. You have been brave, coming clean, and you will never regret it - You will find things are better from now on - even if you are alone, even if it feels terrible. Doing the right thing, no matter how late, will always liberate you (and in this case, your hubby, who deserved to know the truth).

He came home yesterday but he is very distant with me. He was the usual doting dad but when we got the kids to bed he went to the spare room. I spoke to him this morning but he didn't engage. He says he's back for the kids and that he did nothing wrong so why should he lose his children and his home?
He repeated that the ONS may have been a drunken mistake but the flirty texting beforehand was a choice, concealing at the time was a choice and lying to him every day since, was a choice. He told me I looked like his wife and sounded like his wife but he can now see that I am not the person he thought I was.
I'm not sure if there's a way out of this, if anyone can advise me what to do - please help. I know I've hurt him terribly, I know it's all my fault but I can feelm myself crumbling.

You need to give him space and time.

This isn’t about you now, it’s about him and if your marriage has any chance of surviving you need to take on board what he’s saying and not push him.

I recommend counselling for you, and your husband if he will, but you need to accept that your marriage might well be over and you may need some support.

I’ve been in your dh position. My (now ex) dh has an affair but refused to admit it was physical.

I spent 3 years torchering myself, it was hideous!! I ‘knew’ but bed never admit it. After 3 years I finally found proof it was physical. What a relief!! Finally I knew the truth.

You need to tell him and deal with the fall out, whatever happens... if you have any ounce of love or compassion you will sit him down and tell him the truth. Give him everything. This will allow him to make a proper decision about what he wants out of life

Be patient and just be present OP to support him with what he’s going through. It’s going to be hard but others have come back from worse and if you both want it enough so you can rebuild your relationship.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, too. It’s harsh that a drunken mistake can be so devastating, but it is what it is. I understand why you felt it was better to pretend nothing happened. There must have been a build up during your rough patch or he wouldn’t have reason to suspect.
I know in the past when threads asking whether you would admit to a drunken mistaken ons have been made, it’s always very divided. You’re not the only one who would keep quiet in the hope it will go away. There is a rationale there.

I hope you manage to find peace with this. Do you have any relief from the admission?

Put yourself in his shoes. Really try to imagine how he's feeling. That he wasn't enough for you, that this man had something he didn't, that he is just second choice. An affair destroys the self esteem of the betrayed spouse and this takes time to build back up.

You need to give him time, do not minimise what you did. Every question he has, answer it as openly and honestly as you can. Don't hold back details because you want to protect him as the only person you are protecting is yourself.

Do not try and justify the affair by blaming him. You made the choice to step outside your marriage, so own that choice.

This time is so important, everything you do has to be about making amends and proving to him that you are truly sorry for the hurt you have caused him.

He has Relate counselling on his own? Or was it couples therapy?

Sorry. Didn't read all 6 pages.

Tough situation - give him time - it's really early days.

Is there someone in real life you can talk to about this ?

Start looking around for a good counsellor for yourself - perhaps too early for you to both go now - but if you find a good one maybe see if you can go as a couple later.

This is not going to be a quick fix situation - it will take awhile.

He is too good for you. You should leave. What you did was utterly cruel, you took years away from someone. Years. It affected him to such a point that he was in such turmoil to seek a counsellor. And you still didnt know he was doing this because he tried to keep his family together. You are not worthy of him. I still think you should leave.

Here's my two pennies worth

You had a ONS , knew it would never be repeated so lied about it to make it go away and save your marriage

I don't condone the ONS or the lies BUT

Your husband lied too. For years and years and years he made you believe all was well and that he believed you, when he didn't. He went for counselling and didn't tell you. He lied and lied and if only he had been truthful YOU would have fessed up and maybe things would have been different

Now you have been truthful and he is using your truth as a stick to beat you with

Do you deserve that? Perhaps - but imo he is also very culpable because his continual lies, his refusal to explain his feelings , have created this very situation now, today.

This is not a bad OP poor husband situation imo

There are many shades of grey here

You need couples counselling to work through this. You need to be completely trustworthy and accept that he still isn’t going to trust you for a very long time. It’s early days. You have finally done the right thing and only time will tell if you can rebuild a relationship. Well done for telling him. No matter what, it was the right thing to do.