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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

‘DH’ is having an affair - what do I do next?!!!

267 replies

LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 00:05

I’ve just found out my ‘DH’ of 14 years is having a full blown affair - text messages talking about the last time they were together, and about the next time (Thursday when he said he was going away with work). I’ve confronted him, he is denying everything (obviously!) says it’s just banter but it’s clearly more than that - I’m pleased I sent the text messages to myself from his phone so I have them and can’t be fobbed off. They even said they love eachother.

Anyway my head is a mess at the moment. Obviously I am not planning on wasting a moment more of my life with the bastard so I’m looking for advice on what to do next practically. He is sleeping downstairs, I’ve told him it’s over. Can I kick him out of our joint house? Contact solicitors to start divorce proceedings? What do people do next?!!!

OP posts:

icouldwriteabook · 04/03/2019 00:10

Firstly, any children?

I wouldn’t of told him it’s over and I’d have sorted ALOT of things our first and played happy families, but I understand you can’t speak for a situation you’ve never been in. You’re angry and have every right to be.

You need to start sorting out finances, you can’t ‘kick him out’ as such, but I would imagine he’ll eventually slope off to his mums/mates/elsewhere, then you need to seek advice. Can you buy him out? Do you have equity in the house? If you have children you can stay until your youngest is 18 I believe, then he could force you to sell. He could technically force a sale anyway but would be harder with dc involved.

If you’ve made the decision make sure you stick to it, as he may be back with tail between his legs when he realises the grass is definahely not greener. Stick to your guns!

And don’t let him call you a liar either, it’s there in black and white. Well done for getting evidence. Take that to your divorce lawyer (if you’re going down the divorce route)

Sorry I can’t be much help, but good luck

icouldwriteabook · 04/03/2019 00:12

Sorry I didn’t mean play happy families and forgive him etc I meant pretend you ‘believe’ him and don’t mention it until you get yourself financially/mentally in the best position to start the process , as it could get very messy and he may start moving money etc now, as he knows it’s over? Just a thought!

Nanalisa60 · 04/03/2019 00:13

If that’s what you want to do then u just go for it girl!! Get rid of him!!

Me on the other hand have never liked given up something that belonged to me that easily!!

I would never hand my husband over so easily to another woman!! But that’s just me.

You must do what’s best for you!!

Original poster

LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 00:16

Yes 2 children, 8 and 5. Our 5 year old has severe learning difficulties.

We have a joint bank account, joint everything. There are some accounts he has access to. I just trusted home completely, what a mug!

OP posts:

CarolDanvers · 04/03/2019 00:18

For myself having been in this situation, I would see a solicitor immediately and get things moving. I forgave and just got cheated on again and again. Do you have kids?

Original poster

LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 00:18

‘Nanalisa60’ fair enough but in all honesty I don’t think I could stay with someone I don’t trust. I always said it would be a deal breaker for me.

OP posts:

Chocmallows · 04/03/2019 00:22

Assuming you want to no longer feel like a mug, be as practical as you can until the full shock kicks in. Identify your most switched on friends, you don't need sympathy you need practical help.

Expect a cycle of grief and confusion and pain...but ultimately freedom from a person who has no respect for you.

Be kind to yourself along the way.

Graphista · 04/03/2019 00:24

Take half the money out the joint account (my ex emptied it few days after I kicked him out)

Get all your legal and financial papers together somewhere safe he can't get to, or at least copies.

Get a shit hot lawyer - ask for recommendations. You don't want aggressive but you don't want a pushover either

Lawyer will advise on next moves based on where you stand legally, especially regarding the house.

Sorry but sti clinic too. I was lucky not everyone is.

Don't be too hard on yourself, sleep, eat however suits you but obviously for the children you need to keep your strength up, Drs if you're struggling.

Sorry you're going through this

It's truly shit but you WILL get THROUGH it I promise.

user1473878824 · 04/03/2019 00:25

OP I’m so sorry. What a bastard.

Nanalisa60 · 04/03/2019 00:32

LadyDowagerHatt
I can totally understand that he has completely destroyed your trust and that for u it is a deal breaker!! As I said you must do what’s best for you and your children. But many marriages have survived an affair and sometimes they end up being stronger. So all I’m saying is don’t rush into any big decision until you are 100% sure you want rid of him make sure you are the one calling the shorts from now on not him or this other woman.

donajimena · 04/03/2019 00:37

Nana are you her husband?
You are doing the right thing OP. You cannot trust him again. He doesn't even have the decency to be honest.

Mamaisamermaid · 04/03/2019 00:43

If you have one, take all the money out of the joint account you have with him to help yourself with the financial side of things.

then divorce him.
Sell the house and buy a new one far away.

Original poster

LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 00:44

New bank account set up online. Will go to STI clinic and contact solicitors tomorrow.

We have a big holiday booked with another family in May. Crazy with everything going on but I keep thinking about that. Not sure if it is too late to cancel, DS would be gutted, we’ve all been looking forward to it.

OP posts:

Mamaisamermaid · 04/03/2019 00:45

and you might be able to sue your husband for having an affair. Look into it. Keep all evidence of his affair. You'll have more money to buy a decent house if you do this?

Mamaisamermaid · 04/03/2019 00:46

You don't have to cancel the holiday. Just don't include husband? Or you can cancel it and book another holiday without him?

expat101 · 04/03/2019 00:48

Is she married too? Is that why he is sleeping downstairs and hasn't left? How the .... did he explain the texts?

Get yourself off to the bank today first thing and open your own account. Put some money aside to keep you and the children going for 4 weeks including fuel and accommodation if worse comes to worst.

Email a couple of good friends you can lean on for support.

Original poster

LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 00:49

It’s with friends of ours where he has the original friendship so it would all feel a bit awkward for them I think. Not sure what to do about that one.

OP posts:

expat101 · 04/03/2019 00:52

Don't go away on the holiday with your Husband. Take the Kids and let him use the opportunity to remove his belongings from the house, or cancel it completely. Your Friends will understand and know its a difficult time. They might even offer just to take the children so you have time to do what you need to do.

Original poster

LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 00:56

I don’t know if she is married - he says not but I can’t believe anything he says. I know she has a child.

He hasn’t explained the texts. When I confronted him he deleted them all from his phone so I sent them to him again as I had them on mine. He is now saying it is just banter. He must think I’m stupid as it is clearly more than that - she is talking about having ‘one of our nights doing what we always do amazing sex and love making, chatting, music, cuddling in’.

He’s telling me to think carefully about throwing our marriage away over ‘banter’. I’ve rang a friend and sent them to her to check I’m not losing the plot!!!

OP posts:

Dfattestcat · 04/03/2019 00:58

Is it a work colleague? Or is working an excuse?

Dfattestcat · 04/03/2019 00:58

Oh God. How awful.

Tweety1981 · 04/03/2019 00:59

Go and have some ‘ banter ‘ of your own. See how he likes it

darkparadise1 · 04/03/2019 00:59

What a disgusting poor excuse for a man he is! It wouldn't be you throwing it away or giving anything up, he did that. I'd also respect him so much less for lying and trying to gaslight me. Some marriages do survive affairs but I would always be wondering. You deserve better than that.

Longdistance · 04/03/2019 01:03

Banter my arse.

I like the way you’re throwing away the marriage, not him for dipping his wick.

Honestly, it’d be a deal breaker for me too.

Get a solicitor lined up. Sort financials and find out about his pensions.

Original poster

LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 01:05

Agreed *darkparadise1’. I’ve asked him to at least be honest with me but he won’t do that.

OP posts:

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