‘DH’ is having an affair - what do I do next?!!!

[LadyDowagerHatt]

I’ve just found out my ‘DH’ of 14 years is having a full blown affair - text messages talking about the last time they were together, and about the next time (Thursday when he said he was going away with work). I’ve confronted him, he is denying everything (obviously!) says it’s just banter but it’s clearly more than that - I’m pleased I sent the text messages to myself from his phone so I have them and can’t be fobbed off. They even said they love eachother.

Anyway my head is a mess at the moment. Obviously I am not planning on wasting a moment more of my life with the bastard so I’m looking for advice on what to do next practically. He is sleeping downstairs, I’ve told him it’s over. Can I kick him out of our joint house? Contact solicitors to start divorce proceedings? What do people do next?!!!

He sounds like a good man who has done a bad thing LadyDowagerHatt

I have PM’d you as your situation is very similar to mine a few years ago. I never believed this would happen to ‘us’, and neither did he tbh! However, what’s happened to our relationship since has been equally surprisingly, in a good way.

Thanks ‘S021’ - really appreciate the PM. It does sound like a similar situation and a lot of what you say resonates with me.

That is exactly the basis I am working on at the moment - a good man who has done a terrible thing. He only gets one chance at this and he only gets that due to his previous good character and all he has done since to try to rebuild. As I said only time will tell but it all feels positive and it feels like we are moving in the right direction.

If you hadn't found out he'd still be fucking her.

Not a good man, no.

Perhaps if this story had started with him breaking down and telling you that he'd been unfaithful and was so sorry etc. then yes... perhaps a good man - but this... no.

Your last couple of posts - you are literally turning yourself absolutely inside out to make this sound ok! actually positive! given our relationship a new lease of life, would you believe?! - if that's where you are, then there isn't a lot to say.

But he's not a good man and you know it. Your relationship was ok, it hadn't broken down, you weren't miserable together, and he saw the opportunity to slip it to someone new and he was thoroughly enjoying doing so until you found out. Now he is sorry because he doesn't want to lose his perfectly nice married-with-children life. It is the story of a hundred thousand not-actually-at-all-good men the world over.

If you are going to call it a position of strength, then you need to start with being honest with yourself over who you have as a husband.

I think you are hysterical bonding.

"I think it would be very different if he was some dickhead husband/father and this was the last straw in a long line of issues."

You are so right in this.

My therapist said to me, SLS, can you see that his affair was the finally unacceptably hurtful PART OF A PATTERN?

Yup. It was very painful to discover how little 'I' meant. Just how selfish he was, how much neglect and disrespect I had accepted in order not to confront him, that he was immature and misogynistic and women were replaceable objects. The affair was the thing I couldn't ignore. He didn't want to get divorced, but he didn't have the inner world to fix anything.

Apparently you have been talking more in the last couple of weeks than you have for a long time. I think that is also a good sign. So good luck LDHatt

fizzygreenwater I absolutely get what you are saying. The fact that I found out rather than him telling me, and we may have been in a very different situation a year down the line if I haven’t, plagues me no end. I have talked to him about that aspect and we will cover it in our joint therapy next week. I know that will be difficult to move on from, if indeed I ever can.

When I said ‘a position of strength’ I mean that I feel strong enough to make a decision either way. If I feel that things aren’t working or I can’t move on then I know what I need to do. My DH is well aware of that too and knows there is a very real possibility that could happen.

ScreamingLadySutch thanks for your comments and good wishes. Sounds like you have had such a tough time, I really hope things are good for you now.

I think you are hysterical bonding

I agree fizzygreenwater

However, that is the only part of your post I agree with.

It's most probable that your DH and his mistress will at some point in the near future wonder what's happened to the thrill and excitement of their little adventures - as reality and the humdrum of real life kicks in.

Really admire you LadyDowagerHatt because of the firm boundaries you put down and threw him out. What did Winston Churchill say? 'Up with this, I will not put". You got his respect back.

The other hopeful thing is that he has taken full responsibility and is reflecting on what he did and why. Those are all good signs.

The mistake I made was to NOT remove myself from the situation. To talk about reconciliation straight away. To mistake his tears (complete self pity) for inner work.

As my therapist said 'he has learned he has got away with it'.

But it is absolutely true that the cheater is the one who is less invested. I was distraught to find out how little I meant to him. That is a heartbreak that does linger tbh.

Haven’t been on here for a while.

*ScreamingLadySutch what you said resonated with me. I think we have both done everything ‘right’ since it happened in terms of space (me) and him taking full responsibility and going to individual and couples counselling with me. Gradually I have let him move back in (on the sofa) and last week we started sharing a bed again.

We are trying to get to some kind of ‘normal’ and want that to be a happier one than where we were in the last couple of years. But I feel a huge sense of sadness (it comes and goes, today is bad for some reason) and sometimes I wonder whether it is worth it.

Good to hear from you again Lady Dowager, I've often thought about you. You are doing everything right and time will tell. There will be good and bad days as I'm sure your counsellor has advised. I hope your husband is doing his very best to make you feel loved. Wishing you all the very best.

Thanks for thinking of me *oblahdeeoblahdoe and thanks for your message. Yes the we have talked about the good days and bad days at counselling and how it often feels like one step forward, two steps back. The counsellor said it could be 9-12 months before that subsides

I too have wondered how things were going with you as we were in such similar situations.
It is 5 months on and I have OK days and bad days. DH panics when I get upset as he fears I will decide it is too much to forgive and will leave.
Mostly I get angry that he brought this shit into our life and I am the one that has to deal with the fall out.
But I stay as he is trying SO hard to be the man he should be. Says he wants to spend the rest of our lives trying to make up for it .
I don't think I will ever think of him in the same way again. But I don't hate him and I acknowledge that good guys can screw up.
So hard isn't it? I wish you well .

The counsellor said it could be 9-12 months before that subsides

I'd say 2 to 5 years to heal from infidelity.

Get your H to read the wayward threads on www.survivinginfidelity.com

What does he do to show remorse?

Is he assuring you he is 100% to blame? That he loves you and it is not just regret, but genuine remorse.

*ferfecksake that is exactly where we are too - DH’s biggest fear is that in 3/6/12 months time I will decide I can’t move on from what he has done and that will be it. Last week his counsellor was trying to get him face that fear and recognise that it may not be as bad as he thinks . I’m hoping that was to stop him fixating on this fear but I thought it was a bit odd.

Anyway DH is also doing everything he can and is very remorseful. He is taking all of the blame. There was some talk at counselling about how he had felt neglected - I don’t disagree with that but he was also quick to point out that even so he was to blame for behaving the way he did.

Agree about never seeing him in the same way again as well - I always thought of him as a family man with a very strong moral compass and a huge amount of integrity. That view has clearly been shattered.

I wish you well and hope you continue to rebuild your relationship and that the bad days become less and less frequent.

Caroldanvers..... You are spot on. I forgave my wife and then for the next four years put up with her crap and lie after lie.
I feel such a fool.
Get out fast is my advise