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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

‘DH’ is having an affair - what do I do next?!!!

267 replies

LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 00:05

I’ve just found out my ‘DH’ of 14 years is having a full blown affair - text messages talking about the last time they were together, and about the next time (Thursday when he said he was going away with work). I’ve confronted him, he is denying everything (obviously!) says it’s just banter but it’s clearly more than that - I’m pleased I sent the text messages to myself from his phone so I have them and can’t be fobbed off. They even said they love eachother.

Anyway my head is a mess at the moment. Obviously I am not planning on wasting a moment more of my life with the bastard so I’m looking for advice on what to do next practically. He is sleeping downstairs, I’ve told him it’s over. Can I kick him out of our joint house? Contact solicitors to start divorce proceedings? What do people do next?!!!

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 04/03/2019 13:58

All of this lying...He is treating you with such contempt.

I wouldn’t be able to stand the sight of him. Send him to stay elsewhere while you organize and make arrangements.

Bloomburger · 04/03/2019 14:22

They only ever admit to what they think they can get away with.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/03/2019 14:48

it will be more lies.

move the money

move the money

move the money

That's the only time-urgent thing.

Then you can talk all you like, take your time - move at your pace.

Once he thinks you may be serious about ditching him, he will turn nasty and anything he can ring-fence from you, he will.

Imperfectsusan · 04/03/2019 14:55

He will say as little as he needs to. It's obviousl.

Mitzimaybe · 04/03/2019 15:02

How does that script go? Something like:

It didn't happen
If you can prove it happened, it wasn't really like that
It's not that big a deal
If it is that big a deal, it's because you pushed me into it
So it's all your fault
And you're overreacting

He has lied already. He will lie some more. Don't believe a word of it.

HollowTalk · 04/03/2019 15:14

He's got his story straight now and he will have spoken to her about it, too.

He will be lying through his teeth. Look out for the signs. He'll swear on children's lives. On his life. He'll threaten suicide if you dump him. It'll be your fault. If you hadn't whatever, then he wouldn't have done nothing, will just about sum it up.

Honeyroar · 04/03/2019 15:15

The “it’s not as bad as you think” is the worst thing. You just know it’s pointless talking to him and he’s going to lie and lie. He’s insulting you even more by expecting you to believe him.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 15:23

Can’t move the money yet, it takes 5 working days to set up an account. I’ll just have to hope he hasn’t got one already set up.

Yeah he has already sworn on his children’s lives so following the script there. I told his mum today as she was round and could tell something was wrong. She is livid with him, he was distraught that I told her.

OP posts:
crunchie12 · 04/03/2019 15:28

Get all your documents including the children's.

When you go shopping get cash back out every time and keep the money safe.

ahtellthee · 04/03/2019 15:36

I'm so sorry.

Speak to a solicitor straight away and start putting away money x

HJWT · 04/03/2019 15:38

@Nanalisa60 once a man or woman cheats on you there not really yours anymore are they 😬😬😬

CarrieBlu · 04/03/2019 15:51

OP, I can’t add any advice that hasn’t already been said, but I hope he tells you the truth tonight, it’s the least he could do after the way he has behaved. I will never understand people who do this to their families.

rosinavera · 04/03/2019 15:51

So sorry to read this OP xx

CarrieBlu · 04/03/2019 15:51

And well done for telling his mum - it will probably make reality hit harder for him if his family know what he’s done as well.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/03/2019 16:04

Yeah my Ex lied and lied - 'It's not what you think it is'
But I'd seen all the messages.
All the pictures and videos.
[VOM]
They will lie and lie and take us women for fools.
I'm sure a lot of men think women are stupid.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2019 16:11

He's got his story straight now and he will have spoken to her about it, too

This ^^ Whatever lies he tells next he'll probably stick with, though if caught out he'll say the lie was to "avoid hurting you any more". To him there's no value in telling the truth because if he did you'd almost certainly leave, and if you leave anyway he'd feel he'd compromised himself for nothing

Ignore, too, any "livid" reaction from his mother; he'll have his own script to tell her and blood being thicker than water she's unlikely to be a reliable source of support

Remember above all that you're the one making the decisions now and that can be done in your own time. For now, though, a solicitor is essential - from experience I think you'll find it reassuring to know exactly where you stand

Paddy1234 · 04/03/2019 16:20

Well done for telling his mother
Move the money as fast as you possible can ❤️
Make sure that any accounts/ cards you both have access to are tightly controlled
❤️❤️

Isth · 04/03/2019 16:27

Oh you poor thing. No practical advice but you sound absolutely amazing, so strong. Best of luck Flowers

happyhillock · 04/03/2019 16:35

I did hand my ex husband over very easily, once a cheat alway's a cheat, he did the same to her to, guess who's living the better life SmileSmile

2frogsinthebog · 04/03/2019 16:40

Cant' take the money yet - just withdraw £200 cash or whatever every day.

If you won't do that every day, at least take out £200 that the OW got as as gift.

MsDogLady · 04/03/2019 16:47

Lady, don’t allow him to shift the blame to you in any way. This is all about him, and is due to his weak boundaries and need for illicit ego-boosts.

PIVOTT · 04/03/2019 17:46

Me on the other hand have never liked given up something that belonged to me that easily!!

The question is why would you want to keep such a scummy, lying, horrible person in your life?! I wouldn't look at it as 'giving up' I'd look at it as setting myself free! The OW would be welcome to him.

OP I'm so sorry. Please stay strong and stand your ground Flowers

Graphista · 04/03/2019 18:59

"If you have joint bank accounts especially savings tell bank that funds cannot be withdrawn above certain amounts by either party without joint consent?"

Bad advice the SECOND banks get a hint that the funds are "in dispute" they will freeze them. I think they're legally required to but if not then certainly as a precautionary measure.

Withdraw the money as cash until account open.

Ididalwayswonder · 04/03/2019 19:11

Keep strong, op.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 19:51

Thanks all. The money is worrying me a bit - I wouldn’t have thought he would move any himself but then I wouldn’t have thought he would cheat!

I’m pleased I told his mum. I showed her the texts so she has no doubt about what he has done. She was so upset and so angry at him, especially as his dad did the same to her many years ago. So blood may be thicker than water but she is definitely not about to defend him in any way or side against me, I really believe that.

OP posts:
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