‘DH’ is having an affair - what do I do next?!!!

[LadyDowagerHatt]

I’ve just found out my ‘DH’ of 14 years is having a full blown affair - text messages talking about the last time they were together, and about the next time (Thursday when he said he was going away with work). I’ve confronted him, he is denying everything (obviously!) says it’s just banter but it’s clearly more than that - I’m pleased I sent the text messages to myself from his phone so I have them and can’t be fobbed off. They even said they love eachother.

Anyway my head is a mess at the moment. Obviously I am not planning on wasting a moment more of my life with the bastard so I’m looking for advice on what to do next practically. He is sleeping downstairs, I’ve told him it’s over. Can I kick him out of our joint house? Contact solicitors to start divorce proceedings? What do people do next?!!!

*Me on the other hand have never liked given up something that belonged to me that easily!!

I would never hand my husband over so easily to another woman!! But that’s just me. *

I am amazed at this post. people dont "belong" to you. and if your husband was cheating and lying to you daily then you wouldnt be "handing him over". Hes not a prize. Hes a nobhead. And the OW deserves him! Why would you want to "keep" him?! To spite her?!

His pension is straightforward and very good (public sector). He is going to be gutted to lose half of that!

I find local facebook pages really good for recommendations, so if you want to stay anon, set up a new FB profile, or change your name temporarily on the one you have, and ask for recommendations of a shit hot divorce lawyer.

What a dick OP. Great move sending the texts to your phone, take a screenshot and email it to yourself, if you lose or break the phone.
You must be in shock.

No advice, I'm just here to say how sorry I am. What an absolute piece of shit, I hope his dick drops off

Or if you know someone who has been through divorce, see if they'd recommend their lawyer, or indeed their opponents lawyer!

Do you work? if not or not a big earner, apply for tax credits ASAP (you don’tneed to wait until either of you move out as long as you are not doing anything for him, you have split). Remember that tax credits go to the person receiving child benefit so if he is the one getting it, change it before you apply for further help.

Check how much maintenance you will receive (search CMS calculation in google). Book a half an hour appt with a solicitor ASAP.

By the way, solicitors are very expensive so, for general questions get “The Which Guide to Divorce” and only consult your solícitos about things not covered by the book (it can save you £1000s)

Make sure you also have all the passports(but his, obviously). Copy of the latest bank instalments so if he runs a debt he cannot claim later it is a mutual debt. I would also close the joint account, especially if you have an overdraft.

In the few marriages that genuinely survive affairs (as opposed to just papering over the cracks) the one who had the affair is repentant, takes full responsibility for their screw up, and bends over backwards to repair the marriage.

Sadly the DH doesn't appear to be doing any of those things...

What an idiot he's been OP, I'm so sorry

I had this. Only texts as 'proof'. He said it was banter. It wasn't. They will only admit what they have to and deny whatever they can.

You're not throwing away your marriage. He did that. Fucking dickhead.

Sorry you're going through this

Thanks, just ordered which guide to divorce but still not quite getting my head round it. Have moved DS into our bed which was a good move as DH came up to ‘talk’ so it stopped that.

I work part time, I’ve just checked and it looks like I’m pretty much on the cusp of getting tax credits as my part time wage is just below £35k. Might need to up my hours now which would take me over.

To OP

Don't make the mistake of thinking that adultery entitles you to a larger settlement. It does not.

Agree with poster about taking half out the Joint Accounts before they are emptied.

If you and Ex are both up front with disclosure of assets (property, contents, savings, pensions, etc.) and earnings then two good family solicitors should be able to work out a fair division. However, if one, or both of you, makes it a contest and courts become involved costs can soon erode the assets.

Good luck

Just talked to him. He says he has been an idiot and fucked up his and our life. He said he felt lonely in our marriage but it is all his fault.

He won’t admit the physical side though, he says the text messages are all just fantasy texts and he stopped himself, even though it is quite clear they have been having sex. Not that it will make any difference but I wanted him to admit it.

Just realised one of the texts said ‘pack your trainers’ so I think it must be when he said he was going to the gym and that is their little joke.

I still really love him and he says he loves me and doesn’t want OW but I know I need to end it after this, I don’t think I could manage to carry on with a marriage based on lies.

Maybe start by posting this in relationships forum and not AIBU?

Maybe start by posting this in relationships forum and not AIBU?

ohhhhhh nice hit of compassion there @VoiceOfCommonSense

she has just found out her husband is having an affair and she is in a panic, her whole world has just shattered and she is asking for advice and wisdom ad also having a vent, as she cant have one at home because she needs to stay stable for her son, so cut her some slack, let her vent where she needs to, she can go there after she clears her mind somewhat

Lol, lies on top of lies.

So sorry OP, I am going through something similar at the moment and it is shit. Lawyer up. Keep your friends close (mine have been so important to me). Ditto family if they are close by. I feel for you

So sorry to hear that **purplecatshopaholic

I can’t believe it has happened to me, I kept thinking it was the kind of thing which happened to other people. My DH even talked about how awful it must be living in a flat on your own not seeing your kids every day - he’s going to find that out first hand now.

Can you take half the savings and move it to your own account until this starts to get sorted? My friend got screwed as her DH started draining the account before they officially separated. She was entitled to half, but half of nothing is ..nothing.

The the joint accounts etc, try and get them closed and open a new individual account. My husband’s ex ran up a huge amount of debt on their joint credit card when they split and he was liable for paying it back too.

It gets worse, he spent £200 on our joint account online, when I asked him what it was he said it was clothes for him which were going to be returned. I’ve now found it was a handbag, I’m assuming for her birthday which I gathered from the texts is this week when they were due to spend the night together.... Feel sick, he’s still saying that it was just banter and fantasies!!!

Sorry it's going to be a tad scripted but this is my guess:

So now he realises he has been caught out and is ''sorry''... after he spent the night possibly not sleeping too well.

He has woken up realising its caught up with him and he cannot have his bit of free and fancy behaving like a single man and then come home to you for dinner as your husband and equal partner in your comfy home.

He has no doubt weighed up his pros and cons and they are not looking too good for him right now.

He is going to start telling you some amazing ''I can change if you give me another chance'' stories pretty soon.

He can start by texting from his phone his bit of fluff in front of you telling her that he doesn't love her, but loves you and was using her.

Then he hands the mobile to you for however long you want it.

However watch him because if he knows the number by heart when he enters it into the mobile, he will just go and buy a pre-paid cheapie and message her again behind your back saying its been a terrible mistake and he is trying to get away from you who has threatened XYZ and poor him, he is worried about the children so is staying put for their sake....

It would be interesting to know if she knows about you...

I am sorry I can only offer you cyber hugs and I feel absolutely gutted for you right now. I think you need to make contact with some good friends and let them know what is going on. You might find they had their suspicions anyhow, but now is the time you need support. xx

@LadyDowagerHatt he spent £200 on a handbag for his mistress?? From your joint account? OMG! That is vile. No question. I know how you are feeling (about the cheating, not the handbag thing). I never expected my Ex to behave like this (he cheated and left - bastard!) but sometimes you cant predict peoples behaviour I guess...onwards and upwards, its the only way...!

Oi! mamaisamermaid you need to go and sort out the problem of the MiL, the bus, the dog and the shedload of aunties.

Don't believe anything he tells you.
See a solicitor asap and make sure you get full financial disclosure. The longer you leave it the longer he has to hide assets. Then sti clinic.sorry for what you are going through

I'd start by shoving the evidence of the handbag in his face and reminding him that the joint account pays for things for his children.