‘DH’ is having an affair - what do I do next?!!!

[LadyDowagerHatt]

I’ve just found out my ‘DH’ of 14 years is having a full blown affair - text messages talking about the last time they were together, and about the next time (Thursday when he said he was going away with work). I’ve confronted him, he is denying everything (obviously!) says it’s just banter but it’s clearly more than that - I’m pleased I sent the text messages to myself from his phone so I have them and can’t be fobbed off. They even said they love eachother.

Anyway my head is a mess at the moment. Obviously I am not planning on wasting a moment more of my life with the bastard so I’m looking for advice on what to do next practically. He is sleeping downstairs, I’ve told him it’s over. Can I kick him out of our joint house? Contact solicitors to start divorce proceedings? What do people do next?!!!

I’m not even feeling angry with him, just disgusted

Believe me the anger will come, but you've had a colossal shock and we all go through these things at our own pace - which is why having him out of the house is so important while you feel your way through this

I agree with WhoKnew that seeing a solicitor's important, though; it commits you to nothing at all but IME it can be very liberating, when everything else feels like chaos, to know exactly where you stand on the practicalities at least

And it sends a very clear message that this isn't some "mistake" that you'll have "got over" by next week

Well, he wasn’t crying while busy leading his double life.

Has he shown you the past phone bills yet?

Op he's not a great dad, but he will now have to learn how to be

Divorce lawyer here. Time limit on adultery is only if you continue to live together as an and wife for a period of 6 months or more after you knew about the adultery (you are then deemed to have accepted it). You can still reside under the same roof during that period, but not as man and wife and have to show that you've led separate lives (eg no communal meals/washing, separate bedrooms etc).

Thanks for info shallichange I didn't know that sorry for misinfo

Whatever happens you need to keep the power whatever it takes to get yourself in a good place to do the necessary.I would get it all ready to go on the quiet. I wouldn't kick him out yet. I would give him time to calm down. affairs are just infatuations....men get c**tstruck...far more easily than they should...when you leave it will be nicer for you and your kids if he thinks you are a really good woman and he wants to see his kids rather than him cuddling up to OW and her child ! imagine how your kids are going to feel when Daddy swaps them...for other children...very confused and rejected. Revenge is a dish best served cold ! if he continues to deny it and gives you no details you don't have much option.It would be inhuman to live with such a guy. I would get someone to check her out and her story by threatening to tell her family (but don't do that its not your place to mess in her life just use it as a threat) but make sure you are somewhere where she can't get to DH by phone at the time ( block her in his phone if you can even just for the day)...then sit him down when you have the info and tell him nice things you thought you and your family had. How you were hoping life was turning out...the way to do it is to get him agreeing with everything is to sit on his left, touch his arm..you say for say the first 10 sentences things he can only agree with....like we were so happy getting married, having first kids, two kids are stress etc...then ay you get that guys sometimes do silly things and regret them. then say that mutual respect is important.
You have made a mistake haven't you....you've been silly...pause smile and say nows the chance you have to clear the air....hopefully the dumbass ...will confess...then you. cry get him to hug you ...then you say you need time and you are trying to be brave but your heart is broken...Hopefully he's going to go along with it all...thats how horrible OW got him with lies, tears and her family wrecking V. Then when he's consumed with guilt and feeling an absolute mug you have the power...get what you want agree to a "temporary split" for space to work things through or just say a best friends divorce...lie through your teeth...he's pulled the wool over your eyes....time for you to pull a sack over his head and heart ! if doing this it stirs something inside him and he comes clean, is respectful and totally U turns and really wants to fight for his wife and kids like a man should and you feel he's getting it...then ...its your marriage do what you want ...one second chance on your terms ...is ok...I know plenty of marriages where this has happened...they are the ones people don't really talk about funnily enough. Never lose the power in your relationship again. If he's not waking up to what he has done now you should involve yours or his family or even the friends you were going on hols with wife to speak to him. He needs to hear it from someone he can listen to. Smashing up your marriage and breaking up a family is something he needs to know he's responsible for. May the force be with you

How are you OP?

Hi @LadyDowagerHatt
Just RTFT and just wanted to tell you how great you are doing!
Hope you are ok and things are going in your direction at your pace

Thanks all.

Quick update - he admitted the affair and has answered all my questions. He takes all responsibility and is very remorseful about what he has done, has cut all contact with OW and has made it clear he wants to rebuild our relationship. He has cut down hugely on his drinking and is trying to reduce his workload - turning his work phone off when he is home, pushing back on work requests etc. He is going to individual counselling and we are going to couples counselling as well. He is very reflective about what led him to do something so out of character but is in no way blaming me. He spent some time staying in the hotel and then at his mum’s, he is now living back at home but sleeping on the bottom floor (we live in a townhouse). He is willing to move out/stay at his mum’s if I need more space. We have talked more (properly talked) in the last few weeks than we probably did in the last year.

In short he has done everything he can in the aftermath of the affair and I feel like ironically it has brought us closer. However I don’t know if I can get past what he has done and I have made that clear to him. He told his therapist he is fearful that in 3 months time I may well turn round and say I have tried but I can’t move on from it - he said he wouldn’t blame me for that and he is preparing himself for that possibility. I feel very up and down at the moment - I really think that we could become stronger having gone through this but I don’t know if I can get past the lies and deceit in order to do so. Some days I feel closer than ever to him, other days I can hardly even look at him. Early days I guess, only time will tell.

Really glad to hear that OP and for what it's worth I really think you're doing the right thing trying to see if you can rebuild things. People lose their way sometimes and do stupid things that they later regret. It happens but I believe it's not worth giving up if the person is genuinely remorseful and takes the steps necessary to recover things. Good luck. I really hope you can make it work.

Best wishes from me.Mx.

💐 from me too.

Xx for you OP. my H was the same and it was a very old EA I found out about. In his case too it was extremely out of character, his mum was dying, business issues etc, I think in all honesty it was deflection, something to take his mind off the shit. However a word of warning 2 and a bit years later I still don’t feel 100% the same as I did about him, not sure I will again , which saddens me and although it’s not mentioned i am sure he is deep down aware of that and feels hugely disappointed in himself too. I think time will tell how you feel

I’ve just come across this thread and read the whole thing. I have so much admiration for you and the way you are handling this @LadyDowagerHatt.

I’ve posted on the Relationship board recently about my own marriage problems and have been slightly depressed by the number of people who just say LTB rather than attempting to work things through.

I’ve been reading a book recently called Not ‘Just Friends’ which may be the one you referred to earlier about rebuilding trust in a relationship. One thing that really struck a chord with me was the advice to not give up on a relationship when it is at its worst ie. in the wake of a discovery of an affair when you are at your most hurt, your most angry, your head is a mess etc. Far better to let things calm down, talk to each other and try to understand where things went wrong and see if it’s possible to get things back on track (obviously I’m not talking about abusive relationships here). You might not be able to move on which is completely understandable but at least you can make the decision to split with a rational mind rather than making a snap decision when you are feeling your worst and then wondering ‘what if’ later on. I think it takes a much stronger woman to do this and I wish you all the best.

what I never understand about these posts is how many people say '1/2/3 years on we are together but I don't feel the same' Then why are you with him? Simplicity? It is easier to stay? I understand the whole hysterical bonding thing and how it can help to make you closer (briefly) but to stay to be ok and plodding along (unhappy) just seems like a waste of years of happiness. If you don't feel the same, what? It can come back?

the advice to not give up on a relationship when it is at its worst ie. in the wake of a discovery of an affair when you are at your most hurt, your most angry, your head is a mess etc.
I sort of get this. However, it's not really the betrayed spouse that gives up on the relationship though, is it? Their OH did, the moment they crossed that line. Personally, I think that if there is enough remorse, openness and willingness to do whatever it takes to be a safe partner again, maybe then the marriage has a chance of surviving. I thought mine did, we tried to reconcile for six months, but then it turned out that my now xh relapsed into his A and associated lies. Then it was over and closed for me. Still hurts...

to not give up on a relationship when it is at its worst

I don't understand this, not in the context of an affair. It's invalid - the point is that the 'relationship' you have - or had - was one based on trust, love, it was a relationship with someone you were sure would put you first and not be unfaithful. That IS the relationship. When someone cheats, and you walk away, you're not 'giving up on the relationship'. You're recognising that the relationship you had, the one you nurtured, is - for you - no longer there. They smashed it to bits.

This is I presume why those who do decide 'not to give up' often end up in such an empty place. The core of the relationship is no longer there and no matter how hard you 'don't give up', you cannot bring it back. You can't undo the fact that the other person in that relationship destroyed it, demonstrated in the most devastating way they could that it didn't matter to them.

Same for 'learning to trust again'/'getting the trust back'. WTF? The point of trusting someone is, um, knowing that they wouldn't do the bad thing. So - they do the bad thing. Then apparently it's a good idea to work verrry hard to make yourself believe again that they are the kind of person who wouldn't do the bad thing

You can forgive. You can build a new relationship. But it won't be the same relationship you did have, it WILL be a less special, harder and meaner relationship and you won't ever trust them again - it's nuts to say you would.

It can be worth doing in many circumstances, I am sure, and I can see why people do. But - see it for what it is, or you'll send yourself mad.

An update from me too. It has been a rollercoaster since I found out about DH and his EA.
I could have written exactly what LadyDowagerHat has said in her update.
We went to intensive couple counselling which allowed DH to properly reveal all and understand how important it was to have full disclosure. Hard to listen to . And a great place for me to vent all my bitterness and disappointment in him .

It really helped us negotiate our way to what is referred to as our "new marriage". But ultimately the decision is with me.....

Can I accept DH , live with the fact that he betrayed me, believe he is truly remorseful, forgive and move on with our relationship

So hard .And still a work in progress . But unfortunately it does take time. I don't think that unless it continues to be a healing process, I would waste years trying.

I hope that if YOU want to stay in your marriage OP and others , that it works out well

I think other factors come into play too in many cases, money being one, you can’t get away from it , if their are no major assets like a house etc then choices can be stark especially if older and no maintenance due etc , I think many on here would maybe make different decisions if money didn’t come into it

Yes , you are right user1479305498 ,
other factors do come into play , like DCs , money . I can understand why woman stay under these circumstances. But if that is the only thing keeping you there , then the marriage part is gone.

I did have the means to LTB , as urged by so many MNrs and in the immediate aftermath , nearly did. But I wanted to make a huge decision like that when I was being rational and calm.

I split with my husband of many years the night I found the text messages. I’d half found out about something 10 years before but had no proof and he denied it vehemently. I never felt the same as I knew I was being lied to, I just couldn’t work out what was going on and couldn’t prove anything. Last week, a year after the split, I was clearing out a cupboard and found part written drafts of notes to another woman, questioning why she would hurt him like this etc etc. God knows what that was all about but we’ve split now and wondering about it is a waste of my head space. I’d just say be careful of trying to rebuild trust with someone who is capable of that level of deceit. I wish I had not wasted so many years of my life on him.

OP - l found out about my DH affair the day before our 15th wedding anniversary. Similar situation to you in that we have 2 children and 1 is disabled. Difference is that he didn't want to make it work and left me.

I am actually glad he went and took that decision away from me as l could never have trusted him again. I would never been at peace with myself and would always have been trying to catch him out - that's no way to live.

You can only do what you feel is right, but don't just stay for the children's sake - you're worth more than that.

I got a good outcome with the divorce i.e l kept the family home even though I'm a PT NHS band 5. Legal undertakings were written into the financial consent order in regards to our eldest too.

CETV take months to come from NHS so be prepared for a long wait for information if you do decide to separate.

Best of luck whichever way you decide

My suggestion is that you give yourself a date in the future where you review with yourself how you feel and what you think is left. After six months, maybe.

Also if you read the Shirley Glass, she says from her evidence based research (10000) that the cheater usually puts less into the relationship than the betrayed party even before the affair. They give less and get more. That surprised her. Ask yourself about whether that is true for you, and whether if so you can change the dynamic.

Really Sunonthepatio?!

That’s certainly not the case with my DH
No wonder so many fail to reconcile after an affair.

Thanks for your comments everyone, good to know I’m not alone

sunonthepatio in our situation he (the cheater) is putting more into the relationship now. Before the affair, he still put a lot in - he was always very considerate and more than pulled his weight with the house and kids. We recognise that we didn’t make time to do enough together but that is down to both of us.

I do feel like I am giving our relationship a chance from a position of strength, not because I am too weak to kick him out. I have told him that I wouldn’t try just for the sake of the children, I need to be happy.

From a personal perspective it surprisingly hasn’t affected my self esteem. I’m amazed as in theory husband having an affair with a younger, very pretty other woman should make it hit rock bottom.

I’m also surprised that I am willing to give him a second chance, prior to this I always thought infidelity would be a deal breaker for me, but I guess you never know until you are in this situation. It is maybe because he knows he has made a massive, monumental mistake and he is doing everything he can to help us both come through this. Also things had been good - I think it would be very different if he was some dickhead husband/father and this was the last straw in a long line of issues.