‘DH’ is having an affair - what do I do next?!!!

[LadyDowagerHatt]

I’ve just found out my ‘DH’ of 14 years is having a full blown affair - text messages talking about the last time they were together, and about the next time (Thursday when he said he was going away with work). I’ve confronted him, he is denying everything (obviously!) says it’s just banter but it’s clearly more than that - I’m pleased I sent the text messages to myself from his phone so I have them and can’t be fobbed off. They even said they love eachother.

Anyway my head is a mess at the moment. Obviously I am not planning on wasting a moment more of my life with the bastard so I’m looking for advice on what to do next practically. He is sleeping downstairs, I’ve told him it’s over. Can I kick him out of our joint house? Contact solicitors to start divorce proceedings? What do people do next?!!!

Can you transfer your half of the money to your mum or someone? Whilst you are waiting for your new bank account to be opened?

If I were you I would just go into the bank and get it over the counter and keep it safe until you have access to your new account

He has shown that he you can't trust him as far as you can throw him and you don't know if he's gonna change his game if he can't talk his way out of his infidelity

I would contact the OW and see what her version of the affair is, she won't save his skin if she knows he's lying or diminishing it

I have no words of inspiration for you other than stay strong OP 💐💐

Sending hugs OP, it's the worst feeling now but with support from friends and family (and us) you will get there ❤️

You know what you need to do xx you sound like a strong woman

I'm so sorry he has done this to you.

Omg, it's bad enough that he's having an affair but to LIE about it when you know the truth?? What a coward and a piece of shit!

Well done for ending it! Stay strong xxx

Is there anyone you trust who you can transfer the money to? Mum or dads bank account?

Once he realises that you won't take him back he will drain the account.

What a shit.

They’re always sorry when they get caught out.

You can do this OP. Be strong, you deserve a hell of a lot better than a lying cheating spouse.

The fact he’s still trying to worm his way out of it when you’ve seen the texts shows the type of person he is.

Single mum here with child complex needs. You must be eligible for tax credits I dont get much normal tax credits but the disability element adds a lot. Do you get DLA for your child? Use a site like entitledto.com or go to CAB. Make sure on right child DLA rate and then tax credits are increased. You will also get child maintenance. And can ask social care to assess / reassess your needs as a carer. I got extra direct payments for respite for 6 months to help through the immediate separation. You may find you could cut your work hours and with tax credits not be too much worse off (depends if universal credit area too). I could not work, claim carers allowance and tax credits and not be that much worse off - I only go to work for the peace, sanity and pension! Im just starting to look into Financial situation but my understanding is disabled child’s needs and those primary carer will be factored in eg STBXH and I are working on presumption disabled child will live at home with me until age 25 or perhaps permanently and that hit on my income will have to be compensated for in financial split. So usual rules won’t necessarily apply as I don’t have the option of increasing my income to full time

Oh he's a bastard isn't he :( strength to you OP

I worry for you and your money too.when they realise they cant worm their way back in trust me (most) change instantly and go fight flight save themselves mode.angry also with shame and guilt and not being able to win you bac they go for it all.and plus thinking of how they will fund themselves I nthe future oh how they turn.i don't doubt he would have any problem with draining your account

Regardless of his mothers experience of being in your position DO NOT treat her like an ally nor tell her anything you wouldn't want him knowing. Honestly family ties are stronger!

I didn't think my ex would do what he did with the money. I was a sahm at the time with no income of my own and he literally left me with a 2 year old penniless and I had the shit embarrassing experience of not knowing until I tried to pay for essential groceries. It was a nightmare.

Others I know who've been through this their stbxh:

Emptied the house of furniture inc kids beds
Took cars, jewellery, tech
Emptied the fridge!

Seriously this is not unusual behaviour.

Open an account instantly with the Metro bank. Take half the cash out?

Don't confide in his mum. However lovely she is, she will.always be his mum not yours.

**dropthedeaddonkey thanks I’ll take a look. We get DLA middle rate currently. I didn’t know about the disability element of tax credits so I’ll check that out.

He has finally admitted what I knew from the texts - they’ve shagged a few times. Once he pretended to be away on a course, once went back for an hour after a night out, once in the afternoon. So vile and disgusting.

He is very remorseful and apologetic, all a bit late now. He is packing his bags and will stay in a hotel for the rest of the week. He says he will fight for us but I’ve told him I can’t trust him and can’t get the image of him with her out of my head so I can’t see us getting through this.

And who's paying for the hotel? We can't be stay at his mothers? Make sure you're not paying for that.

I'll be very surprised given how he's fighting telling the truth every inch if they've really only slept together 3 times!

I really do agree with PPs who've said the same, OP ... if his mum turns out to be a reliable ally long term that's lovely, but for now I absolutely wouldn't share anything which you don't want to get back to him

Remember the lies he's told to you? There's every chance he'll tell her just as many - and worse - to get her back onside, and by the time he's finished her attitude could be very different

Enough about MIL though; you said he wanted to "talk" this evening, so here's wishing you strength

I can see why taking out half the cash and putting in a new current account is a good idea. What happens then with the direct debits for utility bills etc that still need to be paid?

I see I cross posted with you, Lady ... vile and disgusting indeed, but I really admire you for doing exactly the right thing in insisting he leaves for now

Hopefully this'll give you a chance to get together all the paperwork you'll need (maybe be cautious about what he sneaks out of the house while packing?), but do be aware he'll probably go from grovelling to nasty and back again over the next few days

I hate to mention it, but there's also the possibility he won't be alone in the hotel. You obviously don't need any further evidence to divorce him, but is there any way you'd get to know about that?

Do you know any more about her Lady? Did they meet through work for instance? Just that if he is telling you he wants to ''fight for us'' that's not going to quite work out (even if you wanted him to) if he is in contact with his fluff at work.....

Well done for holding strong @OP!
He sounds like he’s feeding you some trickle truths and trying to gaslight you but you caught him red handed! The only person he has to blame is himself. It will be more than he’s letting on and probably more long standing than you think. I agree with what others have said about getting legal advice ASAP. Take the money out in cash from your joint account until you have your bank card through for your new account.
Get yourself to CAB and find out everything you’re entitled to. (((Big hugs)))

puzzledandpissedoff I have told him what I have shared with his mum and the reasons why - I was upset when she came round and couldn’t hide it, plus I wanted her to know what he had done so it could never look like I was throwing everything away for no reason. So nothing could get back to him that he doesn’t already know.

Good point I have texted him and asked that he goes to his mum’s or his friends instead of a hotel.

So sorry this has happened its devastating but keep strong. Lots of good advice above and let your friends help you- mine were a godsend for me. Make sure you eat a bit to keep strength up

Staying at hotel = OW will be his guest, he should go to his mother's.

OP I’m so sorry this has happened. I am in a similar predicament although my H left me for his OW. I just don’t get why they continue to lie about what’s happened. We had separated 10 months ago but I only found out there had been OW long before we separated a couple of wks ago. H tried to lie and say that he met OW while separated. It is so bloody insulting the continual lies.

I felt so similar to you, had no idea what I was meant to do next. I also really grudged having to pay a solicitor but someone said something to me that really stuck, “H is no longer on my side” after 13 years and 2 DC, I found this hard to accept but I needed to remember this and protect myself and the kids. For me going to see solicitor and getting the ball rolling made me feel better like I was taking some control back.

You can apply for council tax discount also if you are now the only adult living in your home.

Staying civil when discussing the DC and rising above my cheating twat of a husband has in hindsight also made me feel better, I’ll be able to look back with my head held high and it’s been better for the DC.

I hope you are doing ok, I had the benefit of the separation (and H being a dick for months prior to this) before all of it came out so I think that has helped me, I’m akready used to H not being around.

Ariela yep good point