‘DH’ is having an affair - what do I do next?!!!

[LadyDowagerHatt]

I’ve just found out my ‘DH’ of 14 years is having a full blown affair - text messages talking about the last time they were together, and about the next time (Thursday when he said he was going away with work). I’ve confronted him, he is denying everything (obviously!) says it’s just banter but it’s clearly more than that - I’m pleased I sent the text messages to myself from his phone so I have them and can’t be fobbed off. They even said they love eachother.

Anyway my head is a mess at the moment. Obviously I am not planning on wasting a moment more of my life with the bastard so I’m looking for advice on what to do next practically. He is sleeping downstairs, I’ve told him it’s over. Can I kick him out of our joint house? Contact solicitors to start divorce proceedings? What do people do next?!!!

I'm sorry. What an idiot.

What a nasty, nasty cuntweasel he is

You sound absolutely amazing, keep doing what you’re doing x

Let’s see:
*It would be awful living in a flat all alone and not seeing my kids everyday.
*Texts referring to love, amazing sex, and cuddling? Just banter.
*It was just fantasy, but I stopped myself.
*I swear on the children’s lives, it was just banter.
*Think carefully about throwing away our marriage over banter.

• I was lonely in our marriage. I f_ed up, but it wasn’t physical. *$200 from our family money? I bought myself some clothes. *Purse? Oh, right. I bought you that for Mother’s Day. *It’s not as bad as you think. *We slept together 3 times. *I’m going to fight for us.

Going to fight? That’s rich. This lying cheat has surely cooked his goose.

The ‘I’ve been lonesome’ is deflection back to you. Don’t fall for it. Even if true, he could have spoken to you about it instead of cheating. He was creating emotional distance to justify betraying you. He has very weak boundaries and felt entitled to pursue an illicit affair and ego-boost. He felt entitled to tell OW that he loved her.

Lady, you have been courageous to tackle this head on, despite your devastation. You would benefit from the support of individual counseling as a safe place to express yourself, organize your thoughts, and make plans.

@MsDogLady 👏👏👏

What a lying snake.
Glad you told his mum.
As for the money, I would go withdraw it in cash except for what you know will be upcoming direct debits. Then when you account is approved, you can put it all in there.

You can always give him some back later but then you will know it isn't being spent on his whore and nonsense like that.

Can’t move the money yet, it takes 5 working days to set up an account. I’ll just have to hope he hasn’t got one already set up.
^
OP^. Why not do a temporary move of the money to your parent's account (if that's feasible)?

This is disgusting behaviour for anyone to have an affair. If there's no hope then you must do what you have to. I'm not in your position and it must be really difficult, but you did marry for better or worse....so maybe after a break, i dunno, depends what its worth to you personally i guess.

Is there any chance of reconciliation? Do you think you may regret this when you’re not feeling so punched? Would you consider counseling?

I’m not suggesting any of the above, just want you to consider all the options.

I’d be asking for the purse. If he won’t produce it, point out it’s yet another lie.

Incidentally he probably wasn’t going to stay at a hotel. I suspect he’s gone to stay with the other woman. The good news is, statistically, they are not bound to last.

I don't think reconciliation is possible with so much lying?
He clearly has no respect for OP, so anything promised now is to save face?

My ex is still with what was the OW, personally at the time I didn't care if they stayed together or not as I knew she was getting a nasty person who could do to her what he did to me. His behaviour to DCs is more important than person he is with.

Of course he is lying. He cheated and was caught. He likely had no intention of leaving his family for the other woman. His minimizing is, I suspect in his mind, his attempt to preserve his married life. I am not defending it, just explaining.

I know women who did go to counseling after infidelity and have had strong marriages thereafter. That’s why I raised it. One woman I know is celebrating 25 years of marriage since the affair. She says they are closer than ever, although getting there was hard work. I raise it only as something to consider, if the OP hasn’t. Only she knows if she is willing to even try that route.

So sorry to hear what you're going through. My divorce was what I wanted so slightly different but what I would say is father all the paperwork you will need - or even think you might need - and lock it away. I trusted my ex and he came in to see the kids and took paperwork behind my back.
Be 100% sure you have your ducks in a row with everything financial - pensions, house, assists. My ex was due a pay out from an accident at work that he kept very quiet - It came through two weeks after our absolute, they'll be sneaky to the last given the chance.
Get a kick ass lawyer too, you've got this

r. That’s why I raised it. One woman I know is celebrating 25 years of marriage since the affair. She says they are closer than ever, although getting there was hard work. I raise it only as something to consider, if the OP hasn’t. Only she knows if she is willing to even try that route.
THIS
Ive seen this too.
Life can sometimes get in the way but with work things can be better than ever.

Halo, but in the cases where I have heard reconciliation working the cheater has come clean and then stopped lying. Rather than minimise, blame and keep lying, all the cards have been face up so the couple can both see if things can be fixed.

I suspect it’s too early for him to be honest and he isn’t ready, or perhaps is unwilling, to take responsibility for what he has done.

This is an interesting Ted talk in cheating.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q

It’s not her birthday until Thursday so he should still have the bag. He’s still saying it is for me but I’ve told him to send it back as I could never be sure that is the case and we will need the money.

He is an absolute mess, seems completely broken. I won’t let him come anywhere near me, I keep involuntarily backing off whenever he comes within a metre of me. I can’t even look at him.

He says he doesn’t know why he did it, he has felt lost for the last year and was on some kind of self destruct mission. Sounds bollocks but he has been a mess recently - just working and coming home and drinking every night, although now I realise also seeing her. I kept telling him to have some time to himself - I do go out a lot socially and life can be tough with our SEN daughter. I meant gym or a bike ride though not shagging! He is arranging counselling this week.

I have ordered two books from amazon - the which guide to divorce and the one recommended here about rebuilding a relationship after infidelity. I honestly don’t know which one I will use!

On the one hand I think he is a good person who has done a terrible thing. He is great dad and the kids love him. Then I read the messages again and think what a fucking twat of the highest order, I need to get rid. Also I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t trust someone - I am not jealous or possessive and it would eat me up feeling that way.

Also when I talked to his mum she said that she took his dad back after his affair - he was remorseful and she believed him. She never thought he would do it again but he did. Doesn’t mean DH is the same as his dad but it’s I know it’s depressingly common to end up being the mug of a wife dealing with multiple affairs.

He is not a "great dad". Spending time with (and shagging) someone in secret. Lying outright to the mother of his DC when caught out. Spending £200 of family money on his secret "friend"

He is an absolute mess, seems completely broken

And how does he think YOU feel? He's in a mess of his own making. Don't let his angst at being caught make you pity him.

NONE of this is your fault. It is all on him.

Sadly, yes. Once they 'get away with it' they become better at hiding it next time.

You could talk with sensible (non-judgmental) friends and family and listen to wider views. They may see good or bad things that you have subconsciously pushed aside.

Without the affair were things sustainable and overall good?

Golden rule, you can never make anyone else change and you can only change yourself if you see a benefit - can you change so this is not a problem?

If this involves changing to ignoring really bad behaviour on his part do you want to change this way? I am not suggesting you do this

Can you get your wages for this month paid into your new account? And DLA and chb?

I’d be asking to see the bag in order to return it. Tell him you know it’s for his mistress, and the way he responds will tell you exactly how much he actually regrets his actions. His response will be a good indicator of whether or not he does actually feel regret.

I'm sorry, OP.

Take all the time YOU want to decide what YOU want to do. What he wants is irrelevant. HE fucked up, and lied about it, so you get to decide what you want.

You have gone from “I’m not wasting one more minute with the bastard” to “He is a good person who has done a terrible thing and is a great dad” in the space of a day! Are you trying to convince yourself here?

If you have boundaries and they were clear and he overstepped them then for me you need to stick with your principles.

I read so many of these threads where women are literally treated like shit yet the scumbag who does it ends up getting loads of sex off them and forgiven because “I love him” well he should have thought about that before he started playing hide the sausage with someone else.

If despite this you do want things to work out then you need to kick his arse out and see what he then does to make it right over a long period. Crime without punishment often leads to more crime!

Whatever you do don’t do the pick me dance because it’s humiliating.

Also when I talked to his mum she said that she took his dad back after his affair - he was remorseful and she believed him. She never thought he would do it again but he did. Doesn’t mean DH is the same as his dad but it’s I know it’s depressingly common to end up being the mug of a wife dealing with multiple affairs.

This is the risk all women who take cheating husbands back have to face. The realisation of yes he is capable of cheating and is it worth trying again.

Only you can answer that.

So sorry that you are going through this.I am in a similar situation , but we are going to therapy as I decided I wanted to try and he seems genuinely remorseful.And a condition of therapy is to tell the WHOLE TRUTH. .....One of the first things I did when I found out, was to put an exit plan in place as others have advised.
But I also decided to not act when I was feeling so emotional and distraught.
While I am agreeing to do therapy , I also reserve the right to LTB at any point if I want to.
So take your time, maybe talk to other supportive people.Decide what YOU want and ask yourself if you think your DH is capable of giving it to you.Honesty should be a top priority and he seems to be struggling with this and only telling you what he thinks he can get away with.
Oh, and I would make him return the bag.You don't want that reminder in your life.
to you.