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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

‘DH’ is having an affair - what do I do next?!!!

267 replies

LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 00:05

I’ve just found out my ‘DH’ of 14 years is having a full blown affair - text messages talking about the last time they were together, and about the next time (Thursday when he said he was going away with work). I’ve confronted him, he is denying everything (obviously!) says it’s just banter but it’s clearly more than that - I’m pleased I sent the text messages to myself from his phone so I have them and can’t be fobbed off. They even said they love eachother.

Anyway my head is a mess at the moment. Obviously I am not planning on wasting a moment more of my life with the bastard so I’m looking for advice on what to do next practically. He is sleeping downstairs, I’ve told him it’s over. Can I kick him out of our joint house? Contact solicitors to start divorce proceedings? What do people do next?!!!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 04/03/2019 05:00

Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets

Get the house valued

This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.

50:50 childcare is normal starting point.

There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:
What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 05:27

He said the handbag was for me for Mother’s Day. I usually get flowers and chocolates so I’m finding it very hard to believe he would have suddenly decided upgrade to a £200 handbag!!! Still can’t believe he used our joint account for it...

OP posts:
Wantmyflipflops · 04/03/2019 05:37

So so sorry you are having to go through this. There is lots of practical advice on here that is great and you sound like you are being practical and proactive.

I think in terms of him admitting to the full scope of the affair you need to ask yourself what it will achieve. You know he has had sex with her. Will admitting it change what you do next? If him telling you everything and being honest is the only way you will ever consider trying to rebuild your marriage then you need to tell him that.

Deny deny deny is the ethos of a lot of men who cheat. Even with irrefutable evidence in front of them they do it in a vain attempt to maintain a false integrity.

You are very strong and I hope that you have friends and family who can support you and lift you up during this time xx

Treaclesweet · 04/03/2019 05:38

What a wanker. Hard as it is you need to be strong and be the adult here for your dc. Practical things first (own bank account, take any documents that might be useful to your own solicitor). Make him get a flat (lie to him and tell him it's just temporary so he doesn't argue). It will be easier when he's out of your house. You must be brave and put off grieving for your marriage until you are sorted. I'm sorry this has happened x

kateandme · 04/03/2019 05:59

hes said its all his fault now.why.becasue hes been found out.
im pretty sure he wuld have carried on this if you hadn't have found it out.and why delete the messages in attempt for a cover up.
yeh lying dick.trust gone.and now making excuses and more lies.nope nope nope.
so sorry op.
I have no help to offer but there has been some great in the above posts.
we are all here for you if you need us.
just don't let him make you take on any guilt coming along.over kids ruining the family etc.this is his doing.
you deserve better op and you will be happy again.its a bit like grief that will come.but you will getthrough it.even on the hardest days you will.becasue your innocent here and so will be ok.
big hugs

Prinstress · 04/03/2019 06:17

I actually want to batter every man who says “it’s just banter”

Dowager you’re bossing it, stay strong Flowers

maddening · 04/03/2019 06:22

If you have joint bank accounts especially savings tell bank that funds cannot be withdrawn above certain amounts by either party without joint consent?

malificent7 · 04/03/2019 07:29

I would happily hand over a cheat to another women ....and throw in his wordly posessions for free..

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 04/03/2019 07:31

I couldn’t forgive this. Wanker. Good luck OP.

ZenNudist · 04/03/2019 07:43

If he can't even admit to it theres no hope. Be prepared for him to get nasty. He will probably take up with OW if you stay strong. Then say you pushed him into it.

MNHQ
JoanneMumsnet · 04/03/2019 09:40

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request. Thanks to all who've given advice so far.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/03/2019 09:55

How awful OP.
Sorry you are going through this.
I fucking hate the word 'banter'
It's what my Ex said as well.
I hope you can get to a solicitor soon and get some advice on next steps.
If you have 2 DC then you may be able to remain in the house.
But you can't kick him out unfortunately as it's his house too.

Tell someone you can confide in who is not judgey because you never know what is going to happen next but you do need to share this burden.
You owe him nothing. You do NOT need to keep his secret.
It just weighs heavy on your shoulders.

Keep hydrated. Keep your sugar levels up.
Get some real life support around you.

ukgift2016 · 04/03/2019 10:03

Sorry you are going through this. What is worse is he how he is trying to gaslight you. Trying to manipulate you into believing you are paranoid and overreacting.

This is not signs of a man who is sorry for what he has done, he is just gutted he got found out.

HollowTalk · 04/03/2019 10:48

What a terrible shock for you. I think that shock is underestimated until you've gone through it so be very kind to yourself and see a doctor if necessary.

It's very common for people to lie and lie - some partners never find out the truth, especially if the person thinks of themselves (and portrays an image) as one of the good guys.

stayathomegardener · 04/03/2019 11:15

Personally I would ask him to give you the handbag now if you think the OW has already received it.

Interesting to see how he wriggled out of that one. Also stops the joint account taking another £200 hit when he tries to buy another.

Thanks you've got this.

OliviaBenson · 04/03/2019 11:33

The lies even now are what astound me, he has no respect for you does he? Stay strong op.

thinkingcapon · 04/03/2019 11:50

Right there's so much going on right now.....you'll have had virtually no sleep, no food and you've had a massive shock

You need to do nothing just now, take a breath

Ask him to go and stay elsewhere and take a few days to gather your wits x

SandyY2K · 04/03/2019 12:07

Me on the other hand have never liked given up something that belonged to me that easily!!

Human beings are not possessions or property. When your spouse breaks their vow of fidelity, ending your marriage isn't giving up. For some it's a dealbreaker and too much of a betrayal to come back from.

I would never hand my husband over so easily to another woman!! But that’s just me

So by ending your marriage after adultery, you view it as handing over your husband?

I think serial cheaters rely on wives who think this way, as they don't face any consequences. It sends the message that infidelity is not that big of a deal.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/03/2019 12:10

MOVE THE MONEY

Right now.

Then you can stop and think.

SandyY2K · 04/03/2019 12:17

I'd ask why all of a sudden he's spending £200 on mothers day, when he hasn't done before and the norm is flowers.

I hate cheating spouses spinning stupid stories and taking you for a fool. The cheating is bad enough...the lies just add insult to injury.

I hope the banter was worth it for him.

...and I'd be asking for the bag and the receipt.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/03/2019 13:10

BTW They Lie - A Lot. I know how awful going through this is. Being treated as a mug was something I found really hard to deal with. Hugs from someone who knows what you are going through

Itsallokusually · 04/03/2019 13:46

Telling you to "think carefully " is very clever of him, and aimed at undermining you.

MinnieMountain · 04/03/2019 13:53

Don't let him talk you round WRT including his pension in the financial split. A friend's H did that to her with his RAF pension. She regrets it now.

Original poster
LadyDowagerHatt · 04/03/2019 13:53

Thanks all. Tough night, no sleep.

He wanted to talk last night but wasn’t being truthful. He has rang me from work today asking to talk tonight and said he will be honest with me. I already know the truth from the messages so I’m not sure what there is to gain but I feel like I want to hear what he has to say. I’ve said that if I hear ‘banter’ or ‘fantasies’ I will be shutting down any conversations. He keeps saying it’s not as bad as I think so I’ve got a feeling it will be more lies.

OP posts:
MyNewtMyFrogMyLittleRedDog · 04/03/2019 13:58

Oh OP, what a total scum bag. I agree with you though, it is all lies and will be followed by more lies. Just plough on getting your ducks in a row today while he is in panic mode.