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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband demanding an abortion

567 replies

inthedarkx · 03/03/2019 22:41

I thought I would re post my post on here to see if I get more advice
Thank you in advance for reading.

So I'm pregnant with my 6th child. Won't go into details but I'm 13+1 and he immediately said I should have an abortion, no discussing it and if I want him to stay I will have one. I said I don't want an abortion and he said ok he will be gone just give him a week. He said 'good luck with bringing up 6 children as I won't be around full time' said I'm selfish on my kids.

I'm scared of going through an abortion at 13+1 and I'm also scared of becoming a single parent.

OP posts:

dietcokemegafan · 03/03/2019 22:42

Well obviously he's a selfish twat. What was he like beforehand? Is this behaviour out od character? Is the baby planned, if not did he take any interest in contraception?

elephantoverthehill · 03/03/2019 22:45

WTF. If he doesn't want another baby he has to stop having sex with you. Has his small brain worked this out?

Bubblegumgal · 03/03/2019 22:46

Oh OP let him go. What an awful man. If he didn’t want to have another child he should have had a vasectomy. Not force his partner through an abortion. Don’t worry about being a single parent, it’s harder, but honestly, you don’t even notice it that much because you’re in auto pilot. The mental toll having an unwanted abortion on yourself would be too much OP, don’t put yourself or your children through that for this selfish man.

teainthemorning · 03/03/2019 23:16

Seems to me you’re currently taking care of seven children so you’d have one less to look after if he leaves.

LessLivid · 03/03/2019 23:20

Have you only just found out?

Either way, he can’t force you into an abortion and you shouldn’t stay with someone who thinks it’s ok to blackmail you into having one.

MrsBertBibby · 03/03/2019 23:24

Don't have a termination to keep such a hideous man. He can't possibly love you if he could say that.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/03/2019 23:25

Is he the father of the other children?

If he didn't want any more children, he has to take responsibility too

RB68 · 03/03/2019 23:28

Tell him he is not welcome back unless he has a vasectomy and good luck on finding a rental he can afford along side csa payments. Takes 2 and all that. Or maybe you should leave first....

Original poster

inthedarkx · 04/03/2019 10:26

He's the bio father to the other children yes. I've booked an appointment for a face to face consultation on Thursday. I'll be 13+5 then. It's at 8:40 I'm the morning, don't know how we will manage with school run and getting there but that's earliest and it's a face to face consultation. He will have to make allowances for it because he's the one who wants this. I'm so frightened about it all and he thinks we will go back to be happy happy as soon as this is done. Whah be doesn't realise is he's lost me mentally and physically

OP posts:

VietnameseCrispyFish · 04/03/2019 10:34

Are you going to the appointment just to scope out your options or have you decided to terminate?

Remember, the decision is in your hands and your hands alone. There’s absolutely no shame in deciding an abortion is the best thing for you. But he can’t make you have one, so be very sure it’s what you truly want before making that choice, don’t do something you’re worried you’ll regret and then blame it on him later on down the line. You have all the control here!

Dirtybadger · 04/03/2019 10:39

Are you going through choice or because he has made you? Please don't let him make a decision about your body. He may be gone in 12 months time, even if you do terminate. Make the decision that is best for you. Even if it will have some negative affect on your existing children, the most important thing for any child is the emotional wellbeing of their primary care giver.

dontgobaconmyheart · 04/03/2019 10:40

He's an arsehole OP. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. I bet hes's so sure he can manipulate you by threatening to leave that he has zero intentions to go and the whole things just an abusive threat to manipulate you into a termination because he wants one, because he can. That's not the behaviour of a loving partner. To apply stress and threats to get his own way at a difficult time, instead of caring for you and accepting responsibility, is vile.

6 children is a lot, do you have sufficient support from friends and family if he were out of the picture? Would you cope financially? He can't make you do anything OP, trying to is abuse and he'd do well to remember that.

Original poster

inthedarkx · 04/03/2019 11:05

I've managed to get the appointment changed from 8:40 to 10:20 for the same day. I've made the appointment just in case in 4 days time I have decided to go ahead with the abortion. At least I have 4 days to think about all this. But I know the later it gets the harder it gets

OP posts:

sausageandrashers · 04/03/2019 11:07

OP this is so sad and I'm sorry you're going through this. As others have said, he isn't a very nice human for giving you an ultimatum like that and tbh i don't think I could stay and raise any kids with a man like that. As there have asked, would you manage without him? Do you have other support around? How old are your other kids?
If he wasn't willing to accept that pregnancy might be a consequence of sex then he shouldn't have been having any.
He can't force you to do anything and if you are pushed and feel you have to abort do you think you can have any form of relationship with him after it? From the way you are talking it sounds like a no.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/03/2019 11:09

What do YOU want?

He cannot demand that you abort. It's your body.

Has he heard of contraception?

VietnameseCrispyFish · 04/03/2019 11:14

Take the four days and think about what you want. Smart move to get the appointment booked in anyway.

You are the only person who can consent to an abortion. Not him. The clinic will only accept you telling them you understand the risks and you are consenting to the procedure. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

cometinmoominvalley · 04/03/2019 11:19

I'm so sorry you're going through this . Just wanted to echo what other posters have said. Don't put yourself through an abortion for the sake of this man, it will be you having to live with it afterwards and it doesn't sound like it's what you want. Don't let him pressurise, panic or persuade you into thinking otherwise. For me the marriage would be over anyway after an ultimatum like that but it's your call obviously. Look after yourself.

ScatteredMama82 · 04/03/2019 11:20

OP was this pregnancy a surprise or planned? You haven't said in any of your posts that you are happy to be pg, or that you want another child. You say you are scared of the process of the abortion, and of being a single parent, but not that you actually want this pg to be happening. Your DH has responded dreadfully, but putting that aside for a moment you need to take some time and figure out exactly what YOU want to happen now. Good luck xx

Eatmycheese · 04/03/2019 11:24

If you are going to terminate to keep your family together I don’t think that will be the end result. Your relationship is over if you do this to make him stay.

If any part of you wants this baby then you will probably not recover from it.

I’m very sorry he is behaving in such an appalling manner.
Please do what feels right for you as a woman. For many of us that would involve kicking his arse to the kerb.

inlectorecumbit · 04/03/2019 11:25

The will probably be the end of your relationship. You will not forgive him for demanding an abortion if you go ahead with it, if you have the baby he says he will leave.
I am so sorry you find yourself in this horrendous situation.

starray · 04/03/2019 11:49

Let him go. He sounds absolutely awful. Even if he stays, you will end up resenting him the rest of your life. It doesn't sound like it will go back to 'happy happy' like he thinks it will.

lubeybooby · 04/03/2019 11:52

OP at the appointment they will ask if anyone is co-ercing you into it. Tell them yes.

Being a single parent is fine. Different but fine. You can do it

Snappedandfarted2019 · 04/03/2019 11:59

I’m going agaisnt the grain I feel there’s a lot more details missing from you’re post to give an honest overview of the situation, is you’re dh an arsehole, maybe but you got to ask if you will financially struggle, mentally struggle, have the facilities to accommodate having a 6th child and the impact of a the rest of the family. I have three and couldn’t possibly imagine having another three.

PineapplePower · 04/03/2019 12:05

he thinks we will go back to be happy happy as soon as this is done

This is not going to happen. I can understand that six children is a lot for modern families to handle; but to give you an ultimatum like this is selfish. Why hasn’t he had a vasectomy?

ImMeantToBeWorking · 04/03/2019 12:17

You have two options IMO.

Have the abortion and resent him forever for giving you the ultimatum.

Let him leave.

Personally, if I was forced to have an abortion like that I would never feel the same about the person, so really I would have lost them anyway.

Will you ever forgive him for forcing you to have this abortion? Do you really think he is capable of leaving you and his kids? Because if he is he is not worth it anyway.

I know I don't know your situation, but personally I would not do it.

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