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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband demanding an abortion

567 replies

inthedarkx · 03/03/2019 22:41

I thought I would re post my post on here to see if I get more advice
Thank you in advance for reading.

So I'm pregnant with my 6th child. Won't go into details but I'm 13+1 and he immediately said I should have an abortion, no discussing it and if I want him to stay I will have one. I said I don't want an abortion and he said ok he will be gone just give him a week. He said 'good luck with bringing up 6 children as I won't be around full time' said I'm selfish on my kids.

I'm scared of going through an abortion at 13+1 and I'm also scared of becoming a single parent.

OP posts:

Ididalwayswonder · 04/03/2019 19:30

I really do feel for you, op. But I like the poster above me has said, he's out of this relationship, no matter what you decide.

Good luck. Such an awful predicament for you.

Grumpelstilskin · 05/03/2019 01:56

Mmmmh, I'd suggest he gets the snip. What a shitgibbon!

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 05/03/2019 03:08

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StevieHuckle · 05/03/2019 04:31

How can he say you're being selfish on your kids in one breath and then ask you to kill one in the next? That is disgusting, Really don't think he'd leave its probably just to scare you. You sound like a good person and at the end of the day it takes 2 so he's just as responsible. Tell him thats not an option!

ScarletBitch · 05/03/2019 04:39

Start using contraception!

StevieHuckle · 05/03/2019 04:41

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Abouttimemum · 05/03/2019 05:53

There’s a few things at play here and more info would be helpful.

I think it’s absolutely right for him to have an valid opinion on this that should be heard because ultimately if you’d previously discussed not having any more children then it’s a shock if you’re pregnant. What was the contraception situation?

However it’s a dick move to give you an ultimatum like that. What should have happened is he should have sat down with you to map out the financial and living situation and understand the implications of another child on the quality of life of the rest of the family and decide together whether going ahead with the pregnancy was the right thing. A decision made as a couple with full support for each other. I agree with others that either way he is out of order for his response. Ditching his entire family?? Ridiculous reaction.

I would also say I had a termination on the NHS at 16 weeks due to our baby being diagnosed with an unsurvivable chromosome disorder. They tried the medical procedure over three days and our baby would not budge and so I ended up having the surgical procedure. I actually wish I had just had that done in the first place but I wasn’t given any choice. It also took a couple of weeks to recover physically. The whole experience was the worst of my life. I can’t even describe the mental impact of how difficult it is to live with aborting a much wanted baby that you very much want to bring into the world. And this is with a supportive husband who was by my side every second.
I’m pregnant again now but that experience is with me every day and took a little piece of my heart and soul away that I’m never going to get back. Same for my husband.

Just ensure that you are making the correct decision for you and your family and understand that you will need support to get through it. Don’t do it on your own and don’t do it because your husband told you to.

Much love

todayiwin · 05/03/2019 05:57

I couldn't stay with someone who gave this ultimatum.

You are best rid of him regardless of what you decide to do.

Yes it's hard, but you WILL cope.

He will be a sad, lonely, selfish bastard.

StevieHuckle · 05/03/2019 06:15

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yorkshirecountrylass · 05/03/2019 06:23

OP I'm really sorry if I've missed it in your posts but I'm struggling to see one where you say that YOU want an abortion. Not because of fear or finance, don't get me wrong they're valid reasons but when used here you said that you hadn't even thought about termination until those fears came in. That isn't sufficient reason to be having a termination. I'm sorry your 'D'H is a cockwomble but clearly if he wants to throw down ultimatums and blackmail as a means to get his own way rather than sitting down like a grown up and talking through feelings and options then that is exactly what he is. Your relationship with him is done, damaged beyond repair so even if you terminate and he stays you will never be the same. Your relationship with your baby isn't. If termination is right for YOU then go ahead but not because he couldn't figure out that sex without a hoodie means you may end up with a bun in the oven!!! Good luck x

Original poster

inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 11:36

So got a call from the clinic. Apparently I would be around 13 weeks and I would need a general anaesthetic. This is something I can not do and it would make me very anxious being put to sleep. I thought there were more options as I've read online.

OP posts:

VictoriaBun · 05/03/2019 11:41

Have you spoken to your husband about what you have just learnt ? I've read your whole thread and agree with many others . Your husband has put you in a terrible position . Lose the baby or lose him . Do you think it could just be an empty threat ? Tbh, he does not sound like a nice man. It's an awful decision but I think I'd be choosing baby over him .

PiebaldHamster · 05/03/2019 11:53

So you've decided to have an abortion then? If so, it may be that your trust has different policy to other places and doesn't offer medical abortion in second trimester (this might be a cost-saving measure, as such abortions can have more complications than earlier ones and require more medical monitoring or surgical terminations at that state) You'll have to have a scan at any rate to determine how far along you are.

Original poster

inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 12:21

I've told him about this new information, he said he doesn't care, we can't have another baby so go ahead with it or else he will disown me. He didn't think about the kids when he left me that time to do it on my own. I don't want to go through with it but it's just whether I can handle to aftermath of not going through with it. I don't drive so the kids won't go on holiday and stuff and I'm feeling guilty about it, but does that really matter? Should I just keep this baby, accept my mistake and just get on with it and accept I will lose my husband? I did it on my own before and although it was hard and spent most of it crying I'm thinking I could do it again, my house is small but I could make it adapt? Will my kids really suffer if I make sure I make time for all of them and do things as much as I possibly can? Can I use public transport with all them kids if I do thinks planned and proper?

I've decided I want to keep it.. I just need to think practically and I'm worried slightly for my safety when I tell him I'm not aborting
How can I get rid of a child I can feel move already. It's doesn't feel right!

Should I go talk to someone to put things into perspective

Maybe I was wrong to take him back when he left me.. would anyone else have took him back...

OP posts:

Cockadoodledooo · 05/03/2019 12:21

Realistically, how much harder would it be to be a single parent to 6 rather than 5? (I'm presuming the new addition would be relatively close in age to your others rather than them all being teens and upwards).

Because to me, this " And I know I'll hate that man for the rest of my life from now on. " means that surely the relationship is already over?

Original poster

inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 12:21

He will also disown the child if I have it he said

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/03/2019 12:25

Should I just keep this baby, accept my mistake and just get on with it and accept I will lose my husband?

He's not worth keeping, love.

He doesn't care about you or the 5 kids you already have.

I hadn't realised he left you before. What was that about?

You can do this on your own. Do you have local family/friends/support?

Cockadoodledooo · 05/03/2019 12:26

Woah! Cross posted. 'accept my mistake'??

No no no! If he definitely did not want more children he should have abstained or had the snip. Do NOT let him make this your "fault".

wigglypiggly · 05/03/2019 12:29

You have not made a mistake, it takes two people to make a baby. If he leaves you then he will still have to maintain the children financially, what's the situation at home? do you have friends or family you can talk to. Don't be bullied, your children love you, your baby will love you. You don't need to stay with your h. We'll help you.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 05/03/2019 12:31

@inthedarkx I am sorry to hear that he has said that. And if he can disown you and his child, do you really want him in your life anyway?

Yes it will be hard to be a single mother of 6, but will it be much harder than being a single mother of 5?? If he can up and leave his children and wife like he has done, then let him off, he is not worth your love anyway. What would his own family think of him for doing that? I know if it was my in-laws they would be sickened by their sons actions.

I think you should defiantly talk this trough with someone, maybe your local family planning center has someone you can talk to?

I am sending hugs and well wishes your way, you are a very brave and strong woman.

Farmerswifey12 · 05/03/2019 12:34

Hey OP, I'm sorry your husband has put you on this position.

It sounds as if either way the marriage is over anyway- if you terminate you have made it clear you will hate him and therefore the marriage will breakdown or it certainly won't be a happy one for your other children to be around.

Go with your heart x

Eatmycheese · 05/03/2019 12:36

You should definitely chose to get rid of this hideous toxic selfish man.
He is a total disgrace “he will disown you”.

I would not abort my baby in this situation. I would have the baby and shove two fingers up at him. You’ve managed before without him and you will and can again.

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

PiebaldHamster · 05/03/2019 12:37

Your mistake was letting this twat who ran out on 5 kids back again, but now you know. He is a worthless tosser. He just wants an excuse to leave, he's a total wanker. 'I'm not having an abortion. So you do what you were going to do anyway, but don't try to blame me because it takes two to make a baby.'

PiebaldHamster · 05/03/2019 12:39

You've already proven to yourself that you can do this on your own with 5. So you can do it with 6! And so much less stress without this cock weighing your down in life.

Karigan195 · 05/03/2019 12:46

Realistically will you ever forgive him for pushing you into it anyway? If not then you’ll probably be a single mum soon anyway but without the new baby. Only do it if YOU want to do it

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