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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband demanding an abortion

567 replies

inthedarkx · 03/03/2019 22:41

I thought I would re post my post on here to see if I get more advice
Thank you in advance for reading.

So I'm pregnant with my 6th child. Won't go into details but I'm 13+1 and he immediately said I should have an abortion, no discussing it and if I want him to stay I will have one. I said I don't want an abortion and he said ok he will be gone just give him a week. He said 'good luck with bringing up 6 children as I won't be around full time' said I'm selfish on my kids.

I'm scared of going through an abortion at 13+1 and I'm also scared of becoming a single parent.

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 05/03/2019 15:46

cost wise 6 really isn't much more than 5, you already don't fit in a standard car etc, housing wise unless you have 5 boys and this is a girl or vice versa bunk beds will sort it
unfortunately whether he likes it or not he will need to pay via csa of course if he is really stupid he could insist on a dna test, you don't get to wash your hands financially of a child whether you want to be a father or not; the only thing is he might only chose to see the 5 older children and not be involved in baby's life

I am the eldest of 5 my mum says after 3 it is really not much more work

when it comes to divorce; courts are interested in children having a home so unless you live in a 10 bedroom mansion you can't be forced to sell up and move into a 2 bed flat with 5 kids just so he can also have 2 bed flat you might get to stay in marital home till youngest 18, you will be ok

Stargazer888 · 05/03/2019 15:51

Don't let him pressure you into anything.

How old are the other kids? Is he worried about taking mat leave off? Do you both have decent paying jobs? Can you get your licence now?

Prettyvase · 05/03/2019 15:55

Congratulations on your pregnancy! X

Abouttimemum · 05/03/2019 16:02

@LineEyesForever I didn’t want to read and not reply. I had the exact same anxieties about fertility after my termination as we wanted to start trying again straight away. This is despite medical professionals telling me it would have no impact.

My GP did a 21 and 28 day test for me which showed my hormone levels to be exactly normal and confirmed I had ovulated. That was two months after the abortion. It might be worth doing to ease your fears.

stairway · 05/03/2019 16:08

If you are not using contraception aborting won’t help you. At least if he does leave you after this one there won’t be anymore. Women have 6 or more child in developing countries and they manage . You’ll be fine.

Original poster
inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 16:20

Thank you everyone!!

I feel ashamed to be honest
Lots of woman on here trying to conceive and I'm here talking about having an abortion at 13 weeks, I feel so selfish but I want to keep it, I don't want to abort. I am going to get sterilised after this, don't know how the procedure works but it would stop any further pregnancies. But I don't think I'll have a man in my life ever again. My husband is originally from Africa, he's been here 17 years and his mum had around 8children with his dad and his dad had children with other woman at the same time so he's no stranger to big families and that was in Africa!

OP posts:
Original poster
inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 16:21

Sadly I didn't meet his parents as they are no longer alive, they died when he was a teen a think

OP posts:
BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 05/03/2019 16:39

Maybe he was looking forward to moving away from the sleepless nights and nappies stage and now he's got to do it all again?

Maybe he should have thought of that and had the snip if he was sure he wanted no more children? Or abstained? Just because he doesn't understand that sex may = baby doesn't mean he can force his wife into a medical procedure she doesn't want.

It is your body and clearly the father of your child has no choice (apparently) in whether you keep the baby that you both made but he might as well go.

There really is no 'apparently' required. He has no choice in whether another competent adult human being has a medical procedure.

We constantly see the pro-life/anti-choice brigade saying that women use abortion as contraception and that needs to be stopped by tightening laws. No one ever seems to say anything about the men that think they can do the same despite it not being their body.

ABC1234DEF · 05/03/2019 16:46

I may get a lot of backlash for this but I really don't think we have a full enough picture to be able to support you either way?

The questions have been asked several times and not answered, which makes me think there may be more to this scenario than is currently apparent.

There was a similar thread recently, 5 children, pregnant with 6th, several young children, neither parent working so very tight finances, small overcrowded house - practically everyone supported the poster in the decision to terminate on the grounds that the situation wasn't ideal and another baby would be detrimental to the existing children. The missing information is important.

Prettyvase · 05/03/2019 16:50

Babies normally turn out to be a blessing to any warm and loving mother with a sense of humour and a positive outlook on life.

Mydollymolly · 05/03/2019 16:53

I don't understand why everyone is blaming the man for the pregnancy. It takes two to make a baby. Contraception is the responsibility of both parties.
I hope it all works out for you OP, whatever you choose to do.

pusspuss9 · 05/03/2019 17:22

I'm guessing the decision to keep the baby will be massively detrimental to the existing children, not least because the OP said she cried a lot because of not being able to manage the existing 5 when her Oh left. She clearly was totally overwhelmed looking after 5 on her own and not being able to drive (as would be most people). How on earth do you just get the shopping home after having to take a bus with all that shopping and 5 children as well? Just the logistics are making my head hurt. Then there are the sleepless nights with a new baby and still having the get up in time for breakfast for the other 5 and getting them o to school. I'm assuming that they are quite small. The washing, cooking etc it's a nightmare.

Original poster
inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 17:25

@pusspuss9 I cried because I lost my husband by him leaving, not because I couldn't cope

OP posts:
Original poster
inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 17:25

Because I actually did love him

OP posts:
Original poster
inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 17:27

That other thread that's been mentioned isn't mine byw

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IM0GEN · 05/03/2019 17:30

You don’t need to feel ashamed for making a baby and keeping it. Not one Mumsnetter who is TTC will grudge you this - they want THEIR OWN baby , you having a TOP when you don’t want one won’t fix that.

Your Dh will have to pay child support for all the children , he can’t choose his favourites.

I’m sorry you are under so much stress, you must be exhausted . I hope your older kids are helping out around the house.

pusspuss9 · 05/03/2019 17:34

inthedarkx

I cried because I lost my husband by him leaving, not because I couldn't cope

Apologies from me for misinterpreting....

Missingstreetlife · 05/03/2019 18:08

A termination at this stage is safe and not v physically demanding. If you don't want the pregnancy it can be a relief.
Psychologically, if you don't want it, or it's not your choice it could be another story altogether. He is an idiot, he should talk to you properly about it. Dont be bullied. Do what is right for you and your children.
Good luck op, take care of yourself.

Original poster
inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 18:22

@pusspuss9 thanks it's ok
Even if him gone those months I did my best to bring them up, homemade food every night, clean uniforms for school, got to school on time. But I was sad he had gone.

He's being nice to me now saying he wants to be with my forever, that he loves me and that's only because he wants me to get rid.
I've never been good enough for him, he's Always looked for something better. Constantly texting girls behind my back and I forgave him and stayed with him so we could be a family. Even after he left me, I took him back so my kids have a proper family. Now this. I've never been good enough for him.

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 05/03/2019 18:30

You've got that the wrong way, OP.
He's not good enough for you - he's not fit to lick your boots.

Missingstreetlife · 05/03/2019 18:32

He doesn't deserve you op. You are more than good enough. Clearly he hasn't found better yet.
Do what is best for you, have your counselling, get them to explain the procedure and risks (less than giving birth) then do what you want to do. It's you who has to live with it. He may not be around anyway.

pusspuss9 · 05/03/2019 18:46

Even if him gone those months I did my best to bring them up, homemade food every night, clean uniforms for school, got to school on time.

sounds like you coped very well and also sounds like you're a very good mother.

Bluetrews25 · 05/03/2019 18:49

Good idea re sterilisation.
You do realise that will involve a general anaesthetic and abdominal wound? More invasive than a termination? (Unless things have changed massively since I worked in gynae some time ago)
You sound like you would have the termination were it not for the GA element?

Original poster
inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 18:57

@Bluetrews25 I never wanted the abortion although I accepted life will be hard I never wanted to go down that route, that's his decision. The fact I would have to have GA just made my decision to keep even stronger. I don't want to go through that either

OP posts:
Original poster
inthedarkx · 05/03/2019 18:58

I would have to read up on the sterilisation procedure as I don't know what happens in that case. I know my friend had it done but she never mentioned how it went.

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