OW's DH has just contacted me almost one year later...

[NameChaChaChange]

My DH kissed an ex colleague after a few weeks of flirting, messaging and work night outs almost one year ago..

Shortly after I discovered what had happened, I messaged the OW's DH essentially asking him how he was coping, if he was okay - I basically was hoping to gleam more info from him that my DH perhaps hadn't parted with, but his wife may have.

Anyway! The man never got back to me, but this evening, 10 and a half months later, he has...

He's sent me a friend request and asked me how I'm doing and that he should have asked a long time ago:..

I'm now wide awake freaking out that this bloke is going to tell me things that happened between his wife and my DH that I've been blissfully unaware of for the last year.

Why contact me now?????

No idea but hugs and 💐

Could it be that the message you sent went into his 'others' folder and he's only just seen it?
(hopefully)

I'm really hoping that is the case, but still bizarre to contact me after so long..
Had it been me that had only just seen the message, I likely wouldn't bother replying after so much time had passed. Why would he want to talk to me now? Argh!

I've replied to him, just a waiting game to see where this conversation is gonna go

So her dh knew about the affair?
Maybe he was in denial?

I'm not sure @Stargazer888 at the time I found out, I told the OW to tell her DH otherwise I would. Whether she did or not I have no idea.
I basically messaged the OW's DH hoping for one of two outcomes, either 1) she'd told him what had gone on and then perhaps he and I could swap stories of what's been revealed to us and see if they match up, or 2) he had no idea his wife cheated, would confront her, she'd confess some stuff and I was hoping to find out more (if there was more to it) that way.

Plus. I think he had a right to know what his wife had been doing whilst he was at home with their (then) two year old DD.

Are you and your dh still together?

Maybe the affair absolutely devastated him and only now is he ready to talk to you.

You are still with your DH?

We are still together yes. I still have bad days over what went on but trying my best to move on from it. It's because I'm still with him that I'm now sick to my stomach about this man's sudden, unprompted message..

I'm panicking he's going to tell me things I didn't know

Firstly, good on you for letting him know.
I'm approx the same time out from finding out about my h's A, and there has been so much to process since then, that I wonder if he has been putting you on the back burner both because he wasn't ready to deal with such potentially hurtful information, and also because a lot of other crap had come to light which he has been working through.
Although I had a sneaking suspicion for a long time, it literally took years for me to get around to asking OW outright. Up yo that point h denied everything. Analyzing it now, I can see how I was subconsciously protecting myself from finding out. I pretty much knew something had happened and was trying to avoid bringing it to light. It was only when h's behavior became extremely difficult to accept that I made that last move. Yes, things blew up, but I knew he was lying and gaslighting, and couldn't live with it anymore. Maybe this guy has only just reached this point in himself?

I hope you get any answers you are missing.

Men will always minimize and only admit to what's been found out.
Brace yourself op. This might really hurt.

^ agree. I'd give a lot to find out exactly what happened, but OW was a POS liar as well, and had recently broken up with her bf, so noone else to ask. Even if new info hurts, its best to know the truth, then you can make an informed decision as to whether your dh has actually regretted his behavior and is now prioritizing you.

The friend request is a bit concerning. If he was looking to the future, then why would he want a reminder of this awful period popping up on his social media? Is he curious about your family? Does he know your DH?

If you are making a go of it with DH, do you really want to know what he has to say? I would bet my bottom dollar that your DH hasn't told you everything.

It seems a bit like picking the scab.

Friend requests through social media may be the easiest way to contact someone you otherwise have no ties to. I wouldn't worry too much about that. I doubt he's been looking you up because he's curious about your family, past the obvious connect of his wife and your husband.

I would brace yourself for hearing something you'd rather not know.

I'm guessing they've split up now and he's curious.

As difficult as it would be to hear now, I would want to know the full truth about what happened in my marriage. If there is more, you need to find out. Otherwise, you are forgiving a lie. It may be that there is nothing more and he just wants to touch base, as he couldn’t face it then.

If you find that your husband has still been keeping secrets, thereby treating you with contempt, you can act accordingly.

I wish you well, @ChaCha.

Be careful.

Ow (ex) dp can lie too.
Seen this happen and cause lots of trouble.

They can tell you stuff to cause trouble that's not true to get back at their dw.

Hurt people do and say crazy. Things.

If it's been a year - Leave it alone.

It's done.
Hopefully you're both worked on your relationship and are in a much stronger place now :)

OP - do you really want to know? If you are still with your DH, you have to ask yourself what benefit will you get from knowing more, especially if you want to stay with DH and work through it.
Good luck. I hope this doesn’t make you any more anxious than you need to be.

My guess is that have now split, and she has told him everything. Which might be a lot more than what you know about. So I'd prepare myself to hear a lot of unpleasant truths.

The problem here is that last year you wanted this guy to know the truth....now he wants you to know the truth. Good luck.

OP - do you really want to know? If you are still with your DH, you have to ask yourself what benefit will you get from knowing more, especially if you want to stay with DH and work through it.

I guess sge’ll Know if her husband is a lying arsehole who’s willing to carry on making a mug of her, as well as a cheat

How did you message him? I mean via what method.

I guess sge’ll Know if her husband is a lying arsehole who’s willing to carry on making a mug of her, as well as a cheat

I repeat you can not be sure he will be trueful.

A year ago we already know he was 'all of the above. '

But to continue beating him with this stick will just keep you stuck.

It's done - it's over.
You are both different people now.

Tomorrow is a mystery.
Yesterday is history.
Today is a present / the present.

He's basically read to talk about it now.
His 'D'W kissed someone else from her work and the poor bloke is in pieces. They're no longer together, he's said he can't give her anymore chances.

We've exchanged what vague stories we were given - I was told it was one quick kiss as my DH walked her home 'which he didn't see coming and hadn't planned', the other bloke was told that they'd kissed twice at the event they were at and were planning to meet up again a few days later.

So while the story he was told isn't wildly different to mine - I've still been lied to and both he and I feel like there's more to the story.

op that’s hard to hear

Op, you know there is more to it or you’d not have gotten into a discussion with the Bloke. You don’t trust your husband and that’s what’s relevant, not the amount of times x y or z happened.

You deserve better than to be living a life where you have no peace of mind and heart.