OW's DH has just contacted me almost one year later...

[NameChaChaChange]

My DH kissed an ex colleague after a few weeks of flirting, messaging and work night outs almost one year ago..

Shortly after I discovered what had happened, I messaged the OW's DH essentially asking him how he was coping, if he was okay - I basically was hoping to gleam more info from him that my DH perhaps hadn't parted with, but his wife may have.

Anyway! The man never got back to me, but this evening, 10 and a half months later, he has...

He's sent me a friend request and asked me how I'm doing and that he should have asked a long time ago:..

I'm now wide awake freaking out that this bloke is going to tell me things that happened between his wife and my DH that I've been blissfully unaware of for the last year.

Why contact me now?????

OP the problem is you will never know the whole truth. God is the witness as they say. The question is whether you are prepared to forgive the affair and move on. You don't need the details for forgivenvess.

If you do want to forgive but struggling to, you can just tell yourself that it's all in the past anyway, you chose to stay togetger, you still want to make it work. And do that.

Going through it will just bring more angst. Why do that?

OW's husband possibly doesn't know the truth either and there's nothing to be gained by trying to foster a relationship with him. Delete and block is probably your best option now.

THIS in spades.
Coast my cousins 6 more months of grief.

Ow's ex dp was even nuttier than ow.
Made up loads of stuff to stir it up.

In the end the ow's ex dp's story's did not had up even my cousins admitted this.

Also op anything you send via text can be taken out of context and misquoted - as in what happened to my cousins.

Beware - he's not on your side !

They are both lying.

They have both minimised.

Your dh has minimised more.

He's not sorry.

He says he'll do it again.

You will never be able to trust or believe him.

It's over.

I am usually pretty good at reading things..
Here is my take...
The reason the OM husband called you, is because SHE has done it again...
Are you following me...
She is actively looking to have an affair...
She does not care about you or anyone one else and I would not trust her word at all..
I think your husband told you the truth.
I think he did walk her home, was preening a bit that some woman other than you showed him interest. .
She kissed him... Has form for this, and since he said this is all that happened, I think he was shocked and backed off...
He is angry as he knew he had been responsible for being alone with her, but I really do think that was all..

What concerns me more is the next time comment. After him saying that I wouldn't ever be able to trust him again. I would be constantly worrying what is he up to. Trying ways to catch him out. Do you really want to live like that?

That “next time” comment would put a bomb under any trust if managed to rebuild.

I’m sorry OP. This is why affairs ruin so much, these things do have a habit of wreaking havoc a long time down the line in a way nobody can envisage.

You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just such a shitty bag of shit.

You can't be 'pretty good at reading things', Mummmy because if you were, you wouldn't be surmising from so little information when you don't know all of the circumstances and you don't know any of the parties involved.

What you are doing, is speculating. All anybody here is doing is projecting their own thoughts and experiences against what OP has posted.

Anger tends to stop people thinking clearly.

He kissed her nothing else.
The if I did it again does not mean he will..
It means he didn't..
Please don't let mums let turn this in your head into LTB.
Since you found out have you doubted him at all?
Think in the last year, what are your feelings about him.

Next time he'll make it worthwhile?

OP I hope you've really thought about his sentence!!

Stupidity does that too.

Lyingwitchinthewardrobe... The fact the OWs husband says she has just done this again, is so very telling.
It means she is actively looking for affairs,. I think you need to consider this as a major point...

Is your dp still seeing her? I am worried this is very much still on going and he is getting back in touch to tell you so. Be prepared for that message Op when it arrives, he could not have needed a whole year to simply talk about this with you.

I would be amazed if he just contacted you for a 'catch up'. More likely to be giving you the heads up possibly.

Right now I'd be more bothered about the fact that he said "NEXT TIME I'll make it more worthwhile" - which would indicate to me that he hasn't ruled out there ever being a next time.

IF he was my DH, and I'd forgiven him for this, I would expect him to be absolutely sure that he would never do anything like it again - as it is, your DH is pretty much threatening you to drop it, forget it, or he'll go and do worse.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He hasn't repented, he's only sorry he got caught, and he's bothered that it's going to come out that he didn't get away with it quite as much as he'd hoped.

Do you really want to stay with him after his declaration that there could be a "next time"?

mummmy2017, and I think you need to stop presenting the wild speculation in your head as facts. They are not. You have no idea what the OW is doing or thinking. You have no idea of what OP's husband actually did or didn't do. It's starting to smack of enjoyment though and that's not kind.

Just seen your update op.

'next time' that would be the last straw for me. He is planning to do this again and to go the full way so the grief he will get for it will be worth it. He has spelt this out for you so clearly. In his own words. Not yours.

What more 'proof' do you need?

He is not even sorry he has hurt you. He is not sorry that he did this to your relationship. He has shown zero remorse.

Don't waste any more energy or precious time on this cheat.

Thank you the OW ex dh for getting in touch, he may have just saved you from a life time of lies and deceit.

In my experience of this, I think people minimise to the extent that what actually happened bears no resemblance to what they say happened. So "a kiss" is often a one night stand, "I saw her once or twice" usually means a few months etc. They say the very minimum they can get away, see the horrified response and say no more.

I asked OW's DH to get the OW to contact me as I really do need to try and get to the bottom of this

Sorry - but I would be astonished if OW will speak to you. I certainly wouldn't if I were OW and would keep a million miles clear from you

I am absolutely furious over the 'next time' remark. How am I even supposed to take that!?

Is it an empty threat to get me to shut up? Is it an actual threat? Does he genuinely see himself doing it again?

In the last year, I'd say he's gained back about a millimetre of trust from me - but he swiftly took that away with that comment.

He's not still in touch with her. He comes straight home from work every night and weekends are spent as a family.

Clearly if I stay with him, I'm going to have my thoughts and feelings dictated to me for the rest of my life, with the constant worry of whether he's going to have that 'worthwhile' encounter with someone else

OP says the other woman's husband contacted her Because she had done it again.....
Twice and in just over 12 months....
So she is actively looking for an affair.

In the last year, I'd say he's gained back about a millimetre of trust from me - but he swiftly took that away with that comment.

I couldn't live with that. Forever is a long time with no trust, let alone his comment this morning...

You do have a choice OP.

You can do what he wants and not make a big thing out of it.

Or you can leave.

The lack of remorse is shocking.

OP lots of mums on here have been cheated on including myself , this tends to leave people bitter.
Right now I am trying to look at what you have said, and express another line of thinking, so far as you know this one was one kiss and some messages, you say he has been home on time and weekends are family time, you have said nothing about any suspicious behaviour.
This could have been a massive wake up call, his anger and the remark do not mean he will cheat, but only you know.
But the man messaging you is hurt because his own partner did not change,. And he does have proof she was a cheater.

You deserve so much better OP. He isn’t even remorseful.

The thing is though, if the roles were reversed and i was the one who fucked up and kissed another bloke, leaving my DH heartbroken and angry, I sure as shit would never, ever turn around and tell him that the next time I did it, I'd make sure it was worthwhile. Pure cunt-ish behaviour and I've not had a single 'I'm sorry, that was out of line, I shouldn't have said that'

You don’t need to actually speak to anyone else. Are you really hearing the words your own husband is saying to you???

He doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. What more do you need to know?