OW's DH has just contacted me almost one year later...

[NameChaChaChange]

My DH kissed an ex colleague after a few weeks of flirting, messaging and work night outs almost one year ago..

Shortly after I discovered what had happened, I messaged the OW's DH essentially asking him how he was coping, if he was okay - I basically was hoping to gleam more info from him that my DH perhaps hadn't parted with, but his wife may have.

Anyway! The man never got back to me, but this evening, 10 and a half months later, he has...

He's sent me a friend request and asked me how I'm doing and that he should have asked a long time ago:..

I'm now wide awake freaking out that this bloke is going to tell me things that happened between his wife and my DH that I've been blissfully unaware of for the last year.

Why contact me now?????

mummy2017 I’m good at reading things

I’ve read many of your posts, let’s just say I don’t share your confidence in your ability to read a situation.

That comment about "next time" was just beyond terrible.

Yeah, and if I had done something like that and it was being brought up again, I might be irritated and say ffs give it a rest or something like that but I certainly wouldn't make a "next time" comment.

And yeah, he should have apologised for saying that too.

I wonder if the OW will even talk to you?

OP - you can't know the truth here. Each of the people telling you things have their own agendas so I don't think that you can whole heartedly believe any of them.

No matter how many questions you ask or who you speak to you are only going to get their version, tainted by their own agenda.

Honestly, I think you need to take a step back and really think about how you feel. What do you want to happen going forward? You can't make your husband behave in a certain way. If you choose to try and make the marriage work then you do have to find a way of dealing with this and then leave it in the past. That isn't easy and many people can't do it. If you can't then how can the marriage continue? It will be like constantly picking at a scab. Have you had marriage counselling to try and examine how you feel and work out what you want?

I don't think that speaking to the OW is going to help you? If she says nothing happened how can you believe her? Likewise if she says more happened how do you know that is the truth? It's just a way of prolonging this for you.

So ask him, tell him that what upset you is him saying next time...
Tell him it is that bit you are upset over...
Not that you think he did more than one kiss.
See if he says sorry .

LTB. What a truly horrible man making you the problem. How can you respect someone that treats you so badly? He is vile blaming everyone but himself for his devious behaviour.

Clearly if I stay with him, I'm going to have my thoughts and feelings dictated to me for the rest of my life, with the constant worry of whether he's going to have that 'worthwhile' encounter with someone else

& your post at 13:48.

Both so clear.

You know what you need to do, what help do you need to do it?💐

Incredible funny that in real life it is me who friends ask what I think,, that 90% of the time on the same information I am given I am right..

Asking people to think about what has happened and not just to confirm someone
Straight away, is not a bad thing...

Hmm, going against the grain here it sounds like he kissed her and nothing more.

I agree he doesn’t get to minimise but saying “Next time” could easily just be him lashing out if he feels you are making a massive thing over something he is well over that never meant very much in the first place.

What an absolute wanker. I think what’s most ‘worthwhile’ for you is to dump him and find someone worth your trust. It’s not him. Plus he’s nasty and selfish.

It doesn’t sound like he cares one way or another op. Someone so checked out, as to not even care how hurt you are by first the kiss, and then his comments.
It is only a matter of time before the marriage fails op.

If he have been mortified by what had happened, worked hard to show you how much he cares for you, and spent the last ten months making you feel loved so that you were in no doubt, you could possibly get past this as a couple.

Instead he has told you there is a next time to look forward to.

Screw that.

He's so good at manipulating me in to thinking I've done something wrong, to the point where I start to majorly doubt and question my own thoughts and feelings.

Like now I'm sat here (he sulked off to bed two hours ago and we've not spoken since) thinking, maybe I should be 'over' everything within 10 months.
Maybe (like DH angrily pointed out) the OW's DH is a cunt for contacting me now.
Maybe I am wrong for wanting to find the truth.
Maybe I am being over dramatic.
Maybe I should just believe everything that he says.

He makes me feel this way every single time (doesn't have to be related to him cheating) whereby I'm left seriously doubting my entirely rational and human feelings.

Are you sure you really want to hang onto him? He doesn't sound very nice.

OK so he's an abusive gaslighting shit in addition to being a cheat! Brilliant!

No wonder your self-esteem is non existent

What would he have to do for you to finally leave him? Kiss another woman again? Have sex with her? Call you a cunt? Or would you accept all that too?

Putting aside the cheating, he sounds like he treats you quite badly when he's not getting his own way. He's being downright nasty and you should have more self respect.

As @AnotherEmma says he's an abusive gaslighting shit as well as a cheat. He's not sorry, he's sorry he got caught out and you've found out he lied and minimised 10 months ago. The only way to come back from something like this is a full and frank admission of what happened and real repentance and understanding of your feelings. I don't think that's what you're getting somehow.

(((HUG)))

Read your posts as though someone has had written them. What would you be saying?

This isn’t about what he did (whether that was ‘just a kiss’ once or much more), it is about how he treats YOU, ALL the time.

You know he’s wrong.
You know he’s manipulating you.
You know he doesn’t give a shit.
You know he lies & doesn’t care about it.
You know he’s not mortified by what he did.
You know he’d do it again.

He makes you constantly doubt yourself.

WHY should you be ‘over it’ when he’s clearly not sorry?
WHY wouldn’t you want to know the truth?

WHY should you believe him when he lied to you?

Biggest WHY...why don’t you think you deserve better than this?

Like now I'm sat here (he sulked off to bed two hours ago and we've not spoken since) thinking, maybe I should be 'over' everything within 10 months.
Maybe (like DH angrily pointed out) the OW's DH is a cunt for contacting me now.
Maybe I am wrong for wanting to find the truth.
Maybe I am being over dramatic.
Maybe I should just believe everything that he says.

Maybe

Maybe he is right (I don't think he is right, but let's just assume he might be)

But I'll tell you for sure that:

If he loved you he would be with you now, holding you, talking it through with you, understanding your pain and confusion, asking what he can do or say to make it better, loving you through the doubt and confusion

So maybe he is right

But imo he does not love you

And what's the point of a romantic relationship without love?

OP as someone said people have their own agendas and their own perspective. That’s why no 2 people give the same version of events. They remember things differently and over time that ingrains. We become dishonest narrators of our own lives. There is an entire genre of literature and drama dedicated to using this a plot device. So it doesn’t surprise me that the stories don’t match up exactly but it does sound same ball park as what you knew before.

As to what is happening at the moment. Your husband wants to move on and forget about it. You want to confront it and talk about it. That conversation is never going to go well. Which is why people often go to counselling. It allows the truth to come out safely and without it going round in circles.

But at the end of the day you don’t have to believe him. It is as simple as that. But you have to deal with what that means for you and your relationship. You do that on your own. His take on things isn’t relevant.

"Maybe (like DH angrily pointed out) the OW's DH is a cunt for contacting me now."

Just ask the sulky twat why is there even an OW's husband in the picture.

I think that they kissed a few times (as the OW's husband was told) and that your DH would have had sex with her if the affair hadn't been discovered. He seems a bit regretful that he didn't.

I hope she doesn't now get in touch with him OP, supposedly to discuss the new developments but actually to rekindle.

Good luck with wherever you decide to do.

Right now Mumsnet has done what it always does, magnified any fears you had 100 fold.
Other woman are here telling you that your right, that only you are right.
LTB.... You s so common, And if anything could have been saved from your marriage you may well now find it can't .
I am truly sorry we have lead you too this moment, now only you know if you still want this marriage or not,

Please stop blaming yourself.

Your dh is responsible for the whole mess.

If he was empathic and sorry he'd be reacting very differently. But he's not. He's shifting the blame onto you because he doesn't want to face what he's done. And what he's done includes breaking the trust between you, and bringing OW and her dh into your marriage.

It's only been 10 months since you found out about it. Did you know that it normally takes 2-5 years too recovery from this? And that's when your dh is being open, honest, empathic and facing what he did.

So actually you're reacting normally to an abnormal situation that he created.

And it sounds like he's punishing you for it.

Bloody hell OP. Would you ever treat your husband like this? If not, why on earth would you put up with someone who treats you like this? Are you less worthy than him? Do you think you’re lucky to have him? Are you this desperate?

He has been treating you with contempt from the beginning.

We did nothing (lie). We almost kissed (lie). We kissed once (probable lie).

After a few weeks (months?) of flirting, messaging and work nights out, he walks her home. This was an intentional move to be alone after all of the sexual build-up. Suddenly, there was “one quick kiss...which he didn’t see coming and hadn’t planned.” Didn’t see it coming? Hadn’t planned it? I beg to differ.

I think that more happened between them. Maybe closer to the OWDH story, perhaps more. He previously lied and likely still is.

His fury at you now is manipulation to make you back off. For him to tell you how to feel and when to feel it is ludicrous. A truly remorseful partner who wanted to restore trust would never do that.

The “next time” taunt was meant to wound and threaten you. He feels entitled to twist the knife. Like I said, he has been treating you with contempt from the very beginning.

In my life, this would be the end.

P.S. Just saw your update. I am not at all surprised to hear that he is a cruel gaslighter in general. Why in the world are you still with this emotional abuser?