So he is clearly continuing to lie to you. I agree with AF, that after you said you knew more and left the house, he contacted the OW to get their stories straight.
He is an abuser. You are being abused. Someday you will see that truth.
He will not change or voluntarily relinquish control, hence his pretense of participation in counseling. It sounds like you exhaust yourself treading water while constantly shielding yourself from his darts, which include:
Gaslighting, minimizing, stonewalling, lying, threatening, criticizing, ordering, denying, judging, blocking, trivializing, deflecting blame, silencing, undermining, shaming, raging, guilt-baiting, victim-playing, and other tactics used to control and manipulate you.
When he throws the above at you, he wants to destabilize you. You’ve commented that, in response to him, you experience feelings of confusion, self-doubt, guilt, and worry that you are overreacting and distorting reality. You walk on eggshells, and wonder what you’ll “be upset over next,” hoping you can deal with it in a way that “won’t anger my DH.” You tamp down and hide your true self (and your Bancroft book) from him.
One day you will say, ”Enough is enough.”