OW's DH has just contacted me almost one year later...

[NameChaChaChange]

My DH kissed an ex colleague after a few weeks of flirting, messaging and work night outs almost one year ago..

Shortly after I discovered what had happened, I messaged the OW's DH essentially asking him how he was coping, if he was okay - I basically was hoping to gleam more info from him that my DH perhaps hadn't parted with, but his wife may have.

Anyway! The man never got back to me, but this evening, 10 and a half months later, he has...

He's sent me a friend request and asked me how I'm doing and that he should have asked a long time ago:..

I'm now wide awake freaking out that this bloke is going to tell me things that happened between his wife and my DH that I've been blissfully unaware of for the last year.

Why contact me now?????

your h has no right to be angry, he's scared you'll find the truth.
You can't trust liars and cheats and unless you leave this poor excuse for a h you'll always be looking over your shoulder.
He's obviously minimised and lied after you found out.
You deserve so much better.

His attitude stinks but you can't keep going on about it

Yes you can. He is supposed to help you heal.
This is a new development anyway

As he was flying off the handle, he blurted out 'ffs, next time I'll make it worthwhile'.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has no respect for you and is wholly unrepentant?

This is not what love looks like.

He sounds controlling.

He's angry because he thought he'd got away with it and this new knowledge will make his life uncomfortable. He's not sorry he did it - in fact he feels hard done by that it was nipped in the bud before he'd shagged her - or that he hurt you. In fact he's not concerned about your feelings at all.

I would be more than happy to have communication with the OW's partner if my DH had had an affair. Not only will you get to find out more, but it will give your DH a taste of his own medicine a little bit. Let HIM know what it feels like for his partner to be pissing about with someone else.

All that said, the fact there is still no trust (understandably) is not a good sign.

Sorry OP. You opened a can of worms, you did that mindfully with an agenda behind it to suit you. You decided to tell OW's husband and still keep your own.

You'll never know the truth because the two affair partners have demonstrated their ability to lie to their partners. OW's husband possibly doesn't know the truth either and there's nothing to be gained by trying to foster a relationship with him. Delete and block is probably your best option now.

It's not your business about OW's marriage, focus on your own now. I don't think you'll get peace whilst you're with him but it's your choice to stay.

You didn't deserve to be cheated on but that's on your husband and it's his duty to tell you the truth if he loves you. He won't tell you, what does that say to you? Personally I'd cut my losses.

The OWDH could be embellishing the story in order to cause upset to the OP DH

If that were the case I'm sure she'd do a better job.

for you OP, cause your dh is an unsympathetic POS. That comment was unnecessary. Mine also made a similar comment that he 'may as well go do something' if he was going to be accused when I asked him about a relationship with someone he was close to. (At this point he'd intended a ons [don't know if he succeeded] and actually had a two month long affair that I didn't know about.) I really don't know what's wrong in their heads.

*he'd do a better job

You must have brilliant self-esteem, OP. I don’t, and that’s why I could never forgive an affair. I’d spend every day waiting for him to do it again. Sounds like your husband is setting you up for that to happen.

I'd say forgiving an affair is the opposite of great self esteem.

My friends husband did this. Kept
Minimizing and telling her to move on. Meanwhile he carried on his affair, and only after my friend called the OW did she get any real information about the two year full on affair that he had been having.

He was a coward who didn't want to tell her anything, and still even now doesn't want to deal with the consequences of his behaviour. He blamed my friend for giving up on him and their marriage.

Wow!
There's definitely much much more to this than he's letting on, hence the anger.

Next time he'll make it worthwhile?
What a toss pot.
Get rid!

His attitude is disgusting

ffs, next time I'll make it worthwhile'.

I rarely use the 'c' word but your husband is a cunt

He is cruel narcissistic and manipulative

Nasty nasty evil man

He'll be on the phone to her now making sure their stories are straight.

You'll never know the truth OP, it's just whether or not you can live with his version of it.

Your DH is a cheat and a liar OP. What he has said to you is disgusting and abusive. He clearly has no real appreciation, and doesn't care about the damage he will have caused you, or what the effects of gaslighting are on a person, or he wouldn't be saying things designed to make you feel insecure and upset.

It really doesn't matter what you can prove or the full extent. You know he cheated, you know he lied, you know he's aggressively unpleasant and happy to make you feel like shit to protect his own comfort, you know that he puts his wants before yours.

Being able to get along for a year isn't enough with that in mind, and doesn't change the truth of any of it. If you have he strength and the means OP then I wouldn't waste another year

I'll go against the grain and suggest thar OP's husband reacted that way because it was indeed only kissing, and he feels that he has been getting a lot of grief for something which he sees as minor. It now feels like torture for him. He has apologised, you chose to forgive him and now you want more apologies and him feeling shit about the hurt he has caused? This is torture. If you feel that after a year you can't forgive him then fair enough. Let him go and you both find new partners. But to continue berating him and making him keep explaining and apologising is wrong.

FWIW, by his reaction it does sound like it didn't go beyond kissing. Which is something you already knew. No point putting you both through more pain if you have decided to fix your marriage. Is that what you want OP?

I agree, his comment, albeit harsh, does point to the fact he’s telling th truth about just kissing Mandela

I also suspect many, many people kiss others without their partners knowledge

NEXT TIME????? So he is already planning to cheat again.

His comment reveals that he thinks kissing another woman is no big deal and that he intends to cheat again.

OP is not torturing him 🙄 but she is torturing herself sadly.

I absolutely don't 'know' that it never went further than kissing, that's the issue!
When I first confronted him when I suspected something had gone on, he straight up denied that anything went on. Then it became that they almost kissed, then finally came out that they did kiss.

I don't think the way he's acted this morning and the things he said to me are at all justified

The OW was probably minimising too. There was probably more. Of course people minimise. And your H is being a dick.

Sorry OP

What he has said this morning is appalling
Truly

I don’t think I’d get back from that
He doesn’t feel sorry you are hurt he is sorry you found out anything at all

Given his comments this morning it would be over for me. I’d tell him next time he can do it with a free conscience as a single man, but not cheating on you again and I guess you’re telling me we are over.

@SO21. - “I also suspect many, many people kiss others without their partners knowledge”

What does this comment mean? That because he isn’t alone in his actions the op should not be so sensitive/should give him some kind of leeway?
Seriously?