OW's DH has just contacted me almost one year later...

[NameChaChaChange]

My DH kissed an ex colleague after a few weeks of flirting, messaging and work night outs almost one year ago..

Shortly after I discovered what had happened, I messaged the OW's DH essentially asking him how he was coping, if he was okay - I basically was hoping to gleam more info from him that my DH perhaps hadn't parted with, but his wife may have.

Anyway! The man never got back to me, but this evening, 10 and a half months later, he has...

He's sent me a friend request and asked me how I'm doing and that he should have asked a long time ago:..

I'm now wide awake freaking out that this bloke is going to tell me things that happened between his wife and my DH that I've been blissfully unaware of for the last year.

Why contact me now?????

OP, if you are looking for reasons not to move on with your H then you can treat this new information as one. If however you do want to stay with him then I agree with your H, there is no point to "dredge it up". I am sure he aplogised already many times - as he should of course - you accepted the fact of the affair and chose to stay together.

Stop torturing yourself and him, it is not doing anyone any good. And yes, I would question the OW's H's motives of contacting you. The difference is, his relationship has broken down, yours hasn't. You are on different pages. Just decide what you want to do and move on accordingly.

💐 I’m sorry he broke your trust.

What would you do if you found out now that they had sex?

They’ve both lied. She’s told her DH a minimised version of the story too... that’s almost guaranteed especially since she doesn’t seem to be able to help herself in the cheating stakes.

Unfortunately Op when you found out your H had cheated you can try and forgive him as you seem to be doing but you will never forget.
Your H is a liar so you are well within your right to doubt what he says.
You have to decide if you are happy to continue to live your life like this because what he did will never change, it's done, but you can change how you deal with it

Why would the OW lie and say it was more than it was

You don't know that the OW told her husband this. The OWDH could be embellishing the story in order to cause upset to the OP DH. Maybe he is hurt that his marriage has ended because of what his wife did yet the OPs husband hasn't suffered in the same way? Who knows what the truth is?

Sadly when the Op initiated the first contact she opened pandora's box and thereafter had no way of controlling what happened.

I also don't like her motives - as she herself says, wanting the husband to know was low down on her list of reasons. First and foremost were selfish motives which didn't consider the pain that the husband might be feeling.

I’m just waiting for the poster that will come along and say, ‘sure, it was only a kiss’. There are always those people who set the bar for acceptable behaviour very low.

I’m sorry OP, I would find the lying as bad, if not worse, than the kiss. I can’t shake the feeling that there is still more to your distrust of him, though. Has he given you reason to be suspicious of his fidelity before, other than this incident?

Op, as others have said, the OW’s husband might exaggerate the truth a bit because he is so upset and angry. However harsh this sounds and I really don’t want it to sound harsh but if you have decided to work on your marriage, you probably need to leave what happened in the past. I don’t think you will ever find out the complete truth of what happened because your husband probably won’t tell you everything, the other woman will probably big it up as she will no doubt be pissed off that you are both still together when her marriage failed, and her husband probably doesn’t know the whole truth either.

I’m sorry to say but if you can’t look forward ( and I can fully understand if you can’t) maybe you should both think about taking a break. You have every right to be upset, angry and unforgiving, but if it gets to the point where you can’t get passed it,then it’s probably time to go another way. Xx

How awful, I hope you are ok. Feel so sorry for all the upset and anxiety this has caused you.

I'm sorry but I don't believe for one second it was just a kiss - no-one in the history of the universe admits to more than they need to when it comes to cheating.

But if you've decided and continue to decide to forgive him then maybe it's best to not drive yourself crazy about what exactly did happen. He cheated. Maybe you need to talk through your feelings with him, would he go to counseling?

Does the OW's H hope to see a picture of your H on FB just to see what he looks like or possibly get to your 'D' H's page so he can find out about him? Maybe he wants to try and understand what type of looks and personality attracts his wife and is feeling low in self esteem after his wife's affairs.

I think with affairs, there is his version, hers and then you’ve got the truth....

Honestly you will never know 100% what happened, you can either trust your dh version of events and move on or separate

If you want to stay in this relationship you need to let this go, you can’t keep bring it up/thinking about it as the relationship isn’t going to move forward doing that

*I'm sorry but I don't believe for one second it was just a kiss - no-one in the history of the universe admits to more than they need to when it comes to cheating
*
Have to agree. Affairs don't get exposed to this extent over drunken snogs ime. Especially to the extent of getting in touch a year later over it.

I have been there and the first thing when I found out I wanted to do was tell the other woman's dh. I wanted to hurt her family the way she had hurt mine. However I decided I did not want to be the one responsible for breaking up someone else's family. To me that is just the revenge response, so I decided to concentrate on myself, my children and getting through my divorce. Lot's of people will disagree with me and essentially I acknowledge the ow was responsible for breaking up her own family by the actions. To tell or not to tell, that is the hardest decision of all.

Fgs theyre not teenagers. They are adults. They didnt have one kiss during their affair. That is pretty obvious.

You dont trust him.
He minimised what he told you.
The ow has nothing to lose at all.
And, most importantly, you do not trust him.

How had he been as a husband since this happened?

I completely agree with you crimsonlake.

Hi everyone - thank you for all your replies! Too many to reply to individually but will try to include as much as poss in this update:

I went for a walk this morning after telling DH that I'd learnt of the other story surrounding 'that night'.

Whilst I was out, I asked OW's DH to get the OW to contact me as I really do need to try and get to the bottom of this. While I was willing to try and move on when I heard DH's side of the story, it's horrible now to know that I really have been lied to.
I need to hear from her, woman to woman, her side of things. Whether I choose to believe her story over my DH's is yet to be decided - but I'm definitely someone that needs to know details in order to process the situation fully and properly move on.

When I got back from my walk, I told DH that the OW would be contacting me. He got mad. Annoyed that this situation was still going on and 'giving him grief', furious at the OW's DH for contacting me, mad at me for basically having not gotten over it yet. As he was flying off the handle, he blurted out 'ffs, next time I'll make it worthwhile'. I couldn't help but start to cry at that point.
I think it's ludicrous for him to expect me to fully be over it within 10 months. He doesn't get to say how long I should get to grieve for. He said he doesn't care what I do, or who I choose to believe, he's sick of hearing about it all.

I then just told him that I sincerely hope the next time he does it, it really is worth it and that I was 'sorry' that this situation is SO difficult and SO shit for him. Poor him. This must be so tough for him

I've now taken myself back out to get my nails done and try and relax for a few hours.

Someone asked if the OW's DH has contacted me so he can see what my DH looks like - that's not the case as the two of them have met before, I've also met him too.

I'd love to be able to be someone that can just out this behind me, but ultimately I need facts and the cold hard truth. I'd rather be slapped with the harsh reality of what really happened than be constantly lied to.

I just really can't see why she'd tell her DH a worse version of the story if that isn't what actually happened. It makes no logical sense to drop yourself in it and say things that you didn't do. Ugh. I just don't know anymore.

Won't matter.
Weather you find the absolute truth or not - your brain will fill in the gaps.

There is nothing you can do about it now.

What you've built on the last year is the important bit.

Raise above it and keeping looking forward.

Nothing as changed since this time last week.

If you do have unresolved issues it might be a good idea to talk this thorough with a therapist.

But constantly going over things will not help you heal.

It's done.

It doesn't actually matter what happened. His attitude is disgusting. "Next time I'll make it worthwhile"?! Find your self-respect and LTB.

www.chumplady.com/category/reconciliation/

Yup - after your update OP Id get on with moving on and finding a new normal.

Regardless of the story and what happened.
His attitude is awful and I think you should definitely leave.
This comes from someone who stayed for far worse. His response is the issue here.
I’m so sorry 💐

He is panicking as he is not in control. He sounds like a small child who has broken his mother's precious Vase, the one that was a family heirloom given to her by her own dead mother. And the child is sulking because even though he said "Sorry" his mother is still sad about the broken vase.

It's not an attractive attitude in an adult. I'd think seriously about whether I want to be with someone like this, nevermind the original issue.
He's not sorry and just wants you to "get over it".

He's not even sorry. He thinks he's a victim. It's one thing trying to get past it with him remorseful and trying hard, another when he doesn't give a shit. Get rid of him. He's not worth the fight.

He’s getting angry because he’s worried how much more you’re going to find out.

His attitude isn’t on. HE fucked up. He doesn’t get to tell you how long this hurts & upsets you for.

My ‘ex’ said ‘Oh FFS I thought we’d put that to bed’...I lost it. I’d been holding it all in after the initial decision to ‘try agsin’. I said if he hadn’t ‘put HER to bed’ it wouldn’t BE an issue...and it went from there... I still didn’t leave him at that point, but I should have.

Tell him next time had better be worth it because he'll be out on his ear with his nuts in a little bag to go with him, Bobbit style. Or if he's not happy he can go now. His attitude stinks but you can't keep going on about it.
You need to get over it or separate, he's not helping, can you go to relate if you want to stay together? Go alone if he won't come.

He's engaging in some serious minimization and deflecting blame onto the victim - the OP.

It's a nasty way to behave, particularly after already behaving badly. You're entitled to your hurt, OP.

It's also at least the second time he's been seriously disrespectful. I hope you find a way through or out of this, it would be hard to trust completely after that and life without trust is a very tough and draining thing to sign up for.