My marriage is over because my husband takes half hour shits

[Arewehumanorbones]

Well obviously it's not that simple, but it's symptomatic.
Today I've just had enough.
I do every bloody night with the non sleeping kids. Husband has had beautiful sleep in the spare room since dc1 was born 8 years ago because he "has insomnia so can't cope with disrupted sleep".
Well fuck me, I haven't had a whole nights sleep in 8 years. This week I had 2. Lie insurance (only to 8am, but normally up at 5.30/6 with the toddler), and he's moaning about being ill and tired.
Today he hasthe day off. I've been awake since 4am with the toddler and done all the morning jobs etc. He gets up at 8am, sorts his own breakfast, potters around ignoring the kids, then disappears off for a half hour shit.
Well I'm just the SAHM so I suppose the kids and house are my job, but bollocks to that I've had enough. I've got my own part time job now, have squirrelled away some savings. At least as a single mum I'd get the odd weekend off for visitation. I've not had even a night out in 5 years.... While of course he has had weekends away and nights out with mates.
I'm currently upstairs leaving him to deal with the kids for 5 minutes. The trouble is he gets shouty and scares them which is why I've been reluctant to force the issue, but I'm at breaking point and noone seems to give a shit.

Bloody typos "half hour shits"
And "lie ins"

Is he depressed?
Mine was very sleep fixated prior to his diagnosis.
Had to get s certain amount of sleep or could not cope.

its hard. So many men don’t know they’re actually supposed to do more than provide half the dna.

I don't know anddont care tbh. He's been like this for 8 years. I know I'm depressed but apparently that's not important?

How many dc do you have and what are their ages op? Has he seriously not done one night in 5 years???

Sounds like.ypu are at the end of your tether. Tell him. And if things don't change, then yes, move on. If you aren't getting anything out of this relationship then of course you shouldn't feel obligated to stay.

They are 8, 6, 4 and 2. And no not one single night. But I did breastfeeding and 3 had dairy intolerances so I extend breastfeed

Oh, bullshit he's depressed or 'it's a man thing'.

He's a lazy twat who sees you as a domestic appliance and thinks a family is your job.

That's why I'd leave.

I made the mistake of procreating with an arse like this. He's an ex now but on his weekends, I can't hear him shouting at the kids so I've learned to just crack on.

I guess you’ve spoken to him on this many times? What was his response ?

Not 1 night in 8 years.
I had an evening out 5 years ago but was called back home by 10.00 as the then toddler was crying

Yes we've spoken. And he does then eg give me a lie in. But he's just such a fucking martyr about it and mopes for a week, plus shouting at the kids, it's just not worth it.
He's not had a shag in 18 months so you'd think he'd have twigged something was wrong eh?
I just kept expecting it to get better... Hope springs eternal and all that

It sounds like he has got into some pretty shitty habits. You've reached the end of your rope today but have you discussed sleeping arrangements and general divisor of labour when you're calmer? What would happen if you told him you needed to go out and have some time to yourself today and have a proper discussion tonight?

I'm not discussing another thing with him. It always gets twists around to being my fault, or him punching a wall in anger or something.
Right, need to clean the loos and get the kids dressed as noone else will do it.

wehumanorbones

“They are 8, 6, 4 and 2. And no not one single night. But I did breastfeeding and 3 had dairy intolerances so I extend breastfeed”

Your tag should be superhuman. You’re incredible. He needs to step up or ship out.

Do you have any other family support? Mum, MIL. Do they see what goes on?

I totally support you OP. I'm currently tied to a man child similar to this - but he won't leave! And I've no where to go with the kids, so we're at a stalemate.

Are you able to leave? Do you have somewhere to go? Or will he leave if you ask?

I'm a 100% with you arewehuman - with my ExH I was a SAHM, he too was shouty and unreasonable with the children which meant I couldn't leave them in his care because he freaked out and terrified them over normal toddler kid behaviour. It meant it was all on me, it was utterly soul destroying exhausting. It meant that getting an employed position was highly problematic because he chose work that took him away, leaving me in sole charge of the children 24/7 for a week at a time - I say chose because he had the offer of a 9-5 at the same pay but took the away job because he "liked to travel".
It's the grinding fact that you're backed into a corner and just expected to put up and shut up - by someone else's decisions? You deserve to be appreciated and treated with respect including having your work recognised as indispensable to his ability to work and live as he does!
I'm now divorced and with a partner who treats me as exactly that - an equal partner, whose work is in every respect as important as his and he also does his fair share of all the labour including the mental load! Good luck!

Punches walls? Bloody hell op. What is your financial/housing situation? If you tell him to leave is that possible?

Weenurse
Is he depressed?

Ha ha the explanation for all shitty behaviour, on MN. "He's depressed"

Although I’m sympathetic OP if he’s been like it for 8 yrs why on earth did you carry on making children with the useless article when you knew what the score was after child number one .

He's a lazy, selfish twat. Get rid of him and enjoy your EOW off!

Dare I ask why you had four children if it was obvious after the first that he was going to be like this?

I have to admit, I was just thinking the same thing.

Just seen your update OP - the twisting of your request for help into an attack on you, making you feel guilty or unreasonable and the intimidation with the violence IS abusive behaviour. It's insidious because "its just furniture /walls he punches" but the psychological inference is that it 'could' be you - it's intimidation, rule through fear tactics. By deliberately not doing his job as a parent he's trapping you into doing it all. His behaviour and the situation he's engineered you into is totally unacceptable. I hope that you are able to access help and support to improve your situation, given his actions it sounds as if your best option is to get him out if possible and leave with the children if not. I'm so sorry you've been put into this situation.