My marriage is over because my husband takes half hour shits

[Arewehumanorbones]

Well obviously it's not that simple, but it's symptomatic.
Today I've just had enough.
I do every bloody night with the non sleeping kids. Husband has had beautiful sleep in the spare room since dc1 was born 8 years ago because he "has insomnia so can't cope with disrupted sleep".
Well fuck me, I haven't had a whole nights sleep in 8 years. This week I had 2. Lie insurance (only to 8am, but normally up at 5.30/6 with the toddler), and he's moaning about being ill and tired.
Today he hasthe day off. I've been awake since 4am with the toddler and done all the morning jobs etc. He gets up at 8am, sorts his own breakfast, potters around ignoring the kids, then disappears off for a half hour shit.
Well I'm just the SAHM so I suppose the kids and house are my job, but bollocks to that I've had enough. I've got my own part time job now, have squirrelled away some savings. At least as a single mum I'd get the odd weekend off for visitation. I've not had even a night out in 5 years.... While of course he has had weekends away and nights out with mates.
I'm currently upstairs leaving him to deal with the kids for 5 minutes. The trouble is he gets shouty and scares them which is why I've been reluctant to force the issue, but I'm at breaking point and noone seems to give a shit.

FLORALNOMAD Do you have a time machine? Do you think that question you posted is really helpful or useful?

Newphonewhodis
You've tsken the wotds out of my mouth.

I find some of the replies on this thread absolutley shocking. It seems a lot of the 'know it alls' are aeriously lacking in empathy, gosh I know its an anonymous forum but did no-one ever learn when to keep certain opinions to themselves. The OP is clearly in a vulnerable position, I mean that was one unexpcted drip feed and while some posters have been helpful, the rest of them just come across as smug bit hes who seem to revel in pointing out where 'they think' OPs gone wrong. I hope you lot never have to experience this with your own family or friends. Thank fuck none of you are in my life.

Arewehumanorbones Dont let what happened here put you off seeking support. Edit some details, namechange if you must and start a new thread.
Can I also suggest to see your H.V for some RL support. It may also be possible to access some family support services through your local childrens centre. I would advise you to consider telling them the truth about him (I can understand if you are not ready to admit that he is shouting hitting walls etc, at least talk about his lack of help and support. They may be able to help you bring the relationship back to a normal state or at the very least improve his relationship with the kids via parenting courses and yes they may also suggest he sees a g.p to check out his "insomnia" or any underlying mental health issues. I mean it should trigger him into action or you may find he is still a useless arse but hopefully with family support on his case he might fix up. At least this way you may feel better about leaving him with them. If you were to split up you need to know he can cope with the kids. (plus if ever any issues you have info logged with the supporting services so that will always work in your favour)
You know you can't go on with things as they are, i really hope you can get some help.

Can’t believe someone told her to stop breastfeeding and sleep train as a solution to having a lazy bastard of a husband! It must be a joke?!

Come back, OP. Lots of support here for you.

I had a husband like this. He also has a very worthy job where he works long hours (hence why he said he needed his sleep and I didn’t). I stopped telling him that he will regret not being involved with his kids lives after he shouted at me.

Now I’m divorced from him (after staying for 17 years). I have 2 teenage kids who know the score about him. They see him but completely knows his faults and limitations as a father (which are many).

I stayed so long because I thought it was best for the kids, in the end it was more damaging for them. Of course for me too.
Start planning, confide in friends and family and get rid. X

Op ignore the haters who ask about the kids

I had one kid with a lazy selfish dickhead DH who expected me to work FT and do all the housework,cooking,childcare etc while he concentrated on himself,his career and his hobbies.

Did I learn my lesson?,no I went and had 3 more kids with him and nothing ever changed.You have my empathy OP.

So in order to give advice, is it not reasonable that people understand this kind of thought process?

No.

What people need to understand is that abused women's thought processes are the result of being abused. That the abuse is like the boiling frog analogy, and you excuse certain things "because that's what men are like", and it's normalised.

That abused women often think they have a happy marriage, because in their eyes, domestic violence involves being beaten up regularly, by a drunken, lazy husband, so because he's not like that, and they do have times when they have a laugh, and are getting along fine, they don't realise that he's being abusive. The punching walls becomes explained away, because he has a bit of a temper, and they've been gaslighted into thinking that they made him angry, so it's their fault.

Even with all the (sadly) many threads on here, by women suffering abuse, so many people, still don't recognise it for what it is.

And it wasn't just one or two posters who asked the question about having the children, it became a torrent of posts, all asking the question, AFTER OP answered it.

There's no excuse for that.

The majority of the responses here are dreadful! OP needs support not criticism. Nor can she change the past. She just cannot continue to sustain the same poor quality of married life and remain sane!

OP you deserve more. You are not being treated as an equal. Regardless of being a SAHM or “only” working part time hours, you are ground down and on the road to making yourself very ill. I’m surprised you haven’t already!

You need a break. No question.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and tou need to take action.

You have articulated yourself very well here and I believe you could sit DH down and tell him everything you’ve told us. If you think he won’t listen, write it down for him.

Do you have a health visitor? If not, speak to your GP and ask for support. There could be help available to get the children sleeping better. I think that should be your priority at the minute. Once they sleep and you do too, you will be in a much better place.

Don’t make any rash decisions while you are this tired. DH is behaving like a right dick from what you’re telling us. They all do that from time to time. And what is it with the extended bathroom time?? My DH does that “when you’ve gotta go you’ve gotta go” apparently. I usually respond with “so wait until you’re ready to go!”

There’s some absolute bastards on this thread who ought to be ashamed of themselves. A mum at the end of her tether is asking for help and she gets thrown a load of bullshit.

OP I hope you’re ok, please come back or start a thread in Relationship topic where there aren’t as many judgey twats.

I would do exactly as you want to in your situation OP. To be blunt he sounds like a lazy thoughtless, selfish poor excuse for a man.
You don't need to justify why you had kids, he needs to justify why he feels he doesn't have to take any responsibility for them.
Honestly the resentment is tangible. If this was me I'd rather go it alone, at least then you won't be wasting so much energy feeling bitter and resentful towards him all the time and you might actually get a break every now and then.
He needs to grow up. How unattractive men like this are. Who wants a man child?

NewFoneWhoDis exactly so.

Those who have victim blamed should be bloody ashamed of yourselves.

I have recently advised a close friend with a coercive, controlling H to come onto mumsnet for help and advice. If this is what she's in for, I hope she ignores my advice completely as it will set her back months.

Don't listen to those who say 'get rid of him' . People on here seem like they want to destroy a marriage without a second thought. It seems to me you are BOTH tired. However, I'll bet anything you still love each other, it's just hard to see under the fatigue. If there is anyone who can have the non school year ones one day a week you would find things a lot better. if you haven't anyone to ask perhaps you could get a childminder one day a week, just to take some time for you--and your husband too. sounds like you need to remember each other and take time for each other. People saying split up should remember that it is sometimes worth talking and taking time with a relationship. not binning it off as soon as there are problems.

He just sounds very selfish to me. You are clearly doing everything for the children and around the house. You are like a single Mum really but probably have to cater for him as well. So like having a fifth child really. He has had plenty of chances to change. His life is comfortable so why would he change. If no sex has not made him change I would stop cooking him meals and doing his laundry. If no improvement after a month I would kick him out and divorce. Do you own your home or are you renting? He would have to pay you quite a bit of child support for 4 children. You would get a bit of time off if he chose to keep in contact with kids. Not all men do chose to keep up contact. Just be aware of that. I feel sorry for you. I am sure you could be doing better than this lazy husband. You might find a new partner would help with childcare and make you feel cherished and special. I would take chance if it were me and divorce husband and look for a nicer partner. Keep squirrelling money away. When shopping get £50 cash back each time as it does not show up bank statement as cash back. If single Mum you would have child benefit and probably get working family tax credits and maintenance form husband. You would not feel so taken advantage of.

Sounds like he gives you just enough to keep you there but nothing else. Being shouty and bad tempered with the kids is a cop out to ensure that you don't leave him with them. My exh used to do that knowing full well I'd come running as soon as I heard him shouting or shoving them.

@charliesdarling are you reading the same thread? smh is it just me or has everyone in here gone batshit of late? Utterly disgusting responses from some posters. Just watch you don't slip and fall off that bloody high horse of yours!

charliesdarling
Tiredness is not in any way a reason or excuse for punching walls when asked to care for your young children.
Tiredness is in no way an excuse or a reason for screaming, shouting and terrifying small children when they're left in your care.
How is he tired he a) sleeps in a separate room b) never does the nightwork c) never does the housework d) extremely rarely does any childcare - and screams, shouts and terrifies the children therefore frightens and upsets the OP when that happens
So well done charliesdarling advising a woman to stay in a psychologically abusive relationship! It's because of attitudes and utterly ignorant advice like yours that women in the OPs position stay for as long as they do!

I'm really disappointed in this thread. MN is usually so helpful and supportive of women leaving abusive relationships.
Here we have a woman ready to leave her abuser and she's being asked to justify her children, and questioned on what she thinks will change if she leaves and may as well stay. This is shameful.

OP, I really really hope you come back to this thread or start a new one so that we can give you some advice. I am appalled at the behaviour of some of our community on this thread today.

Did it occur to any of you idiots that keeping her pregnant for so long was a form of control from him

Of course. But her body is her own. She controls that and she could've stopped any pregnancy with The Pill or the coil.

I've been thinking about this, if he has insomnia then he's up anyway and should be parenting! Either he's not got insomnia and is making excuses to have you do it all, or he does and he lays there while you do it all because he can't be bothered.

Also the suggestions of you making changes instead of him is ridiculous. The onus is not on you. You have more than enough to be getting on with by making your exit plan.

Afternoon,

Just letting you know that we've deleted a number of posts on this thread which we felt were not in the spirit of the site.

The OP's clearly going through a very difficult time and came here for advice and support - it's a shame that some of the responses she's received have meant she's now left the thread (though we can see that she's also received many helpful posts).

As the OP's mentioned that her husband 'gets shouty and scares the DC' and also punches walls in anger, we think it would be useful to add a link to the Women's Aid website. Please do think about giving them a call - their freephone number is 0808 2000 247. We also have a Domestic Violence webguide with links to other organisations which could give you support in real life.

OP, if you do return and would like us to move this thread over to our Relationships topic, please let us know. We really hope you're okay.

Hi I'm back.
I've skim read through.
Thanks for all the supportive posts.
To answer the others -

1. I'll stop breastfeeding when I'm ready. I'm currently in the process of gently weaning and I'm happy with that. The toddler is getting used to going to the childminders 2 long days a week so I can work and that's helping. But all in good time.
2. It is mainly the toddler and my ASD older child who have disrupted sleep. I'm not complaining about them - it is what it is. I'm complaining about never getting an evening off and a lie in that I don't pay for later.
3. I had my kids because they are bloody fantastic and they love being a little gang. My marriage is also not all bad. We just keep having bad patches that each time I think we've worked through, got through

Until it happens again. It's just that the default seems to be I am the drudge in charge of kids and home, while he drifts around just looking after him. And I'm not happy with the aggression every time I try to challenge that.

I'm going to ask for this to be moved to relationships.

We'll move it to relationships now.

Really pleased you returned to see the more supportive posts op I genuinely couldn't believe what I was reading at the beginning. I hope you can find some support to make you feel stronger and more able to enjoy your children as you obviously adore them, be that with or without your husband.

So glad you came back op. I hope some of the posts were helpful to you. You are doing a great job managing so much. Dc are blessing but are exhausting for all of us. Get dh to help! All the best 💐