My marriage is over because my husband takes half hour shits

[Arewehumanorbones]

Well obviously it's not that simple, but it's symptomatic.
Today I've just had enough.
I do every bloody night with the non sleeping kids. Husband has had beautiful sleep in the spare room since dc1 was born 8 years ago because he "has insomnia so can't cope with disrupted sleep".
Well fuck me, I haven't had a whole nights sleep in 8 years. This week I had 2. Lie insurance (only to 8am, but normally up at 5.30/6 with the toddler), and he's moaning about being ill and tired.
Today he hasthe day off. I've been awake since 4am with the toddler and done all the morning jobs etc. He gets up at 8am, sorts his own breakfast, potters around ignoring the kids, then disappears off for a half hour shit.
Well I'm just the SAHM so I suppose the kids and house are my job, but bollocks to that I've had enough. I've got my own part time job now, have squirrelled away some savings. At least as a single mum I'd get the odd weekend off for visitation. I've not had even a night out in 5 years.... While of course he has had weekends away and nights out with mates.
I'm currently upstairs leaving him to deal with the kids for 5 minutes. The trouble is he gets shouty and scares them which is why I've been reluctant to force the issue, but I'm at breaking point and noone seems to give a shit.

Married life isn't always easy, it sounds like you're just sounding off as it doesn't sound like he's actually done anything wrong

If you think that punching walls and throwing things is acceptable behaviour then you need to raise your standards love

OP would it be OK to recommend the shark cage theory? It’s something I read about here and it made a lot of sense to me.

Some people are more vulnerable to being abused than others because they haven’t built themselves a protective shark cage. The theory isn’t victim blaming, but does seek to understand why people end up in the situation they are in. Your Husband didn’t become a lazy abusive cunt overnight and you didn’t cause him to become one.

He is still abusive. And as I said previously, abuse usually doesn't start until pregnancy or marriage, so he's not going to go back to being the man he played while he was trying to hook you in.

The man you actually love, is the illusionary man, not the actual man he is. He doesn't want to take on the responsibility of raising his children, or doing housework. That's why he makes it harder for you, when you ask him to step up. Parenting classes won't make any difference, because he has to want to be a good father. If he wanted to be a good father, he'd have at least tried in the last 8 years.

Don't fool yourself that if he agrees to doing anger management, and parenting classes, he'll change back to the man you fell in love with. He may promise to do them, but he won't.

OP, I have 3 dc's and totally get what you mean about dh being 'shouty' with the kids. Mine often does this, cutting them no slack for what amounts to developmentally appropriate behaviour e.g. 3 year old getting out lots of toys, and as a consequence I leave him with them somewhat reluctantly and not all that often. It certainly works as an excellent control tactic to stop you leaving him in charge of them very much. Mine is also a wall puncher, banging and crashing to show his displeasure type of guy (depending on whether we are in the nice or nasty part of the cycle of course). When I have said in the past that it scares me, it has not made the slightest bit of difference. I'm thinking that a non abusive person would be horrified to think that their family members were afraid of them.

Instead of half hour toilet visits, at weekends, evenings etc. mine is always volunteering to be the one to pop out on errands etc,. which of course means I am still at home in charge of all the kids and seem to never get a break. Interesting how for some partners, they want to know what we have been doing all day and why we have failed to do xyz, yet when they are with the children it is a Herculean feat to have them for more than an hour, they are exhausted and need to go and lie down.

Absolutely. It seems I am not alone with this...

I would not have someone hitting walls or throwing anything about. He's doing that to keep you in line. What's he gonna do when the kids are bigger and give him some backchat and don't wait till it's a good time to bring a problem up? You need to get rid of him ASAP before he hurts someone. It's very common for men like him to seem to the outside world like one of the good guys.
He has a rental that you could send him too.

Life is so much easier on your own at times. At least when you are on your own you know it's all down to you. And your not under the illusion that the other adult in the house hold (you know the bloody dad!) might suddenly burst into action and help out .
What happens if your ill etc, or is that not worth it because he sulks?

ALL kids run down the stairs, that's how I know.

I doubt any parent always tells their child off for nothing. That's a typical childish response "I didn't do anything" or "it wasn't me". Children should respect both parents the same not constantly look to one to undermine the other. That's where respect is lost.

If the OP thinks every little thing he does is to control and undermine HER then NEITHER of them are helping by arguing down in front of the child. Its likely splitting hairs though as technically it's not really possible to 'run' down the stairs so its likely he told her off for coming down the stairs too fast and doesn't want to see his daughter in a wheelchair having fallen as a result. Kids always come down the stairs too fast, if they're doing a slow sensible gripping tightly to the banister I'd be wondering what was wrong!.

I wasn't aware I'd commented on what specific behaviour was or wasn't acceptable. I certainly don't think that punching a wall or throwing something is the end of the world, unless that act causes harm to someone else or fear for their safety.

And the award for worst advice goes to....

🙄

I certainly don't think that punching a wall or throwing something is the end of the world, unless that act causes harm to someone else or fear for their safety.

Oh FFS, how thick are you? Or are you just deliberately being obtuse?

IT IS VIOLENCE, DESIGNED TO PUT FEAR INTO OP, which it does. Therefore, by your own definition, it is the end of the world.

Punching walls, screaming and throwing objects DO create great fear and cause emotional harm to the recipient partner, and also to children. who witness, hear or experience the aftermath of such violent acts.

Children who experience domestic violence live in an atmosphere of fear, anxiety and uncertainty. They can face short-term risks including behavior, cognitive and emotional problems, as well as long-term problems like adult depression and trauma symptoms. Other risks are increased tolerance for and use of violence in adult relationships.

I’m glad I have higher standards in a relationship than you adrienneJ

Adrienne, you have a weird problem with women. You are advising a woman to stay in a marrige with an abusive man who doesn't bother with his children. In another thread you think an op should side with the dad in front of the children even when he's wrong.

Fucking weird honestly.

AdrienneJ is also on another thread arguing that if strippers and sex workers weren't so immoral men would treat women better.

adrienneJ I hope you are having lots of fun at the expense of real people looking for advice.

Why would I be having fun at peoples expense giving worthwhile advice. Just because you don't agree with it?

It's great you've got a job and can leave OP. I've got no idea why you decided to have four children with this cretin. Best to move on now though and stop being a martyr, he clearly doesn't care or value you and the kids, you will be much better off on your own and hopefully very happy

adrienneJ you aren't giving valuable advice, you're taking at least 3 threads where the op has come with a problem that is upsetting them and trying to turn it into a debate fitting your man vs. woman agenda

Sorry posted too soon.

Sorry for the derail op. I hope you are ok, and I think you are doing the right thing by your children.

You sound like a fantastic mother and your 4 wonderful kids seem lovely, if hard work at times.

@Arewehumanorbones

Just to say that my husband can be shouty, authoritarian etc... has been in the past. I judged that I was not prepared to spend the rest of my life in the relationship like that, meant it and told him. He knew I meant it. I was lucky because it came from a place of strength, knew my rights etc...

If you have reached the same point then good for you. It's not for anyone else to diagnose whether this or that is right or wrong. If it's not right for you and your kids then that's good enough, completely valid. I don't know why on earth that would be challenged. Especially these ridiculous questions about why you had 4 kids. You sound like a fantastic mum.

Sending you good luck and positive vibes with whatever next steps you take. Don't take his shit if on balance you've had enough. Life is way too short.

I don’t think offering support to a women with an abusive Husband who is trying to Work out her future is exclusively a left wing preserve Ariadne.

I have a feeling Dennis Thatcher wouldn’t have got away with half hour shits.