Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My marriage is over because my husband takes half hour shits

314 replies

Arewehumanorbones · 21/02/2019 08:36

Well obviously it's not that simple, but it's symptomatic.
Today I've just had enough.
I do every bloody night with the non sleeping kids. Husband has had beautiful sleep in the spare room since dc1 was born 8 years ago because he "has insomnia so can't cope with disrupted sleep".
Well fuck me, I haven't had a whole nights sleep in 8 years. This week I had 2. Lie insurance (only to 8am, but normally up at 5.30/6 with the toddler), and he's moaning about being ill and tired.
Today he hasthe day off. I've been awake since 4am with the toddler and done all the morning jobs etc. He gets up at 8am, sorts his own breakfast, potters around ignoring the kids, then disappears off for a half hour shit.
Well I'm just the SAHM so I suppose the kids and house are my job, but bollocks to that I've had enough. I've got my own part time job now, have squirrelled away some savings. At least as a single mum I'd get the odd weekend off for visitation. I've not had even a night out in 5 years.... While of course he has had weekends away and nights out with mates.
I'm currently upstairs leaving him to deal with the kids for 5 minutes. The trouble is he gets shouty and scares them which is why I've been reluctant to force the issue, but I'm at breaking point and noone seems to give a shit.

OP posts:
ReturnofSaturn · 21/02/2019 09:20

Why did you keep having kids if he wasn't pulling his weight?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 21/02/2019 09:21

Congratulations on getting a job. There is no better way to gain perspective on the fact that you are being disrespected at home than getting a job, any job, where you are respected as an adult and paid for your efforts.
I cannot see why you would bother to put up with his crap any longer but, if he’s as bad with the children as you say, do you think he will provide regular care for them. Will you feel comfortable leaving them with him as he seems to frighten them even when you are also in the house? Have you got support from grandparents?

SinkGirl · 21/02/2019 09:21

Funnily enough OP isn’t psychic - and lots of women are in this situation because they’re gradually convinced by their partners that the kids are their “job”.

Tell him straight - either he steps up and helps out more, gives you some nights off so you can function, or you’re getting divorced and at least some of the time he’ll be doing it all on his own.

Magenta82 · 21/02/2019 09:22

All the victim blamers on this thread should be ashamed of themselves, the OP came here for advice on her shitty abusive situation and you have chased her away with your repeated derailing questions and made her feel worse!

SpanielEars070 · 21/02/2019 09:22

FFS why does someone always trot out the "he's depressed" line. MH does not excuse shitty behaviour.

1stly, your DC are of an age where they should be sleeping at night. That's what you primarily need to crack.

2ndly, if he's got insomnia, he's awake and can therefore help. He's getting out of it by behaving badly, being loud noisy and aggressive - and he gets his way. Unless he's physically harming the DC (in which case you shouldn't even be there), put some ear plugs in and let him get on with it.

He's behaving badly but you're enabling him to do it. There has to be middle ground somewhere.

SinkGirl · 21/02/2019 09:23

OP can bloody well continue to bf if she wants, and doesn’t have to sleep train. There’s plenty of things to try before that including her useless twat of a husband actually stepping up to help.

WorraLiberty · 21/02/2019 09:23

I don't understand why someone always gets flamed for asking the obvious question?

I think it's a perfectly legitimate one and no doubt many people will have wondered the same thing.

Stuckandsad · 21/02/2019 09:23

Op people have been very unfair. Leave the bastard. Get this thread moved to relationships xx lots of help there!

SinkGirl · 21/02/2019 09:24

About 12 people have asked the same question, which she answered - derailing the thread of a woman experiencing abuse to blame her for the situation isn’t acceptable.

4TeensAndABaby · 21/02/2019 09:24

Cannot believe the awful behaviour of some of the posters on this thread. The OP came on for genuine help and advice. Instead she was ridiculed, and made to feel inferior. Shame on you.

Nquartz · 21/02/2019 09:24

he has a day off today? Pack a bag & walk out - go and find a hotel and stay there for 24 hours - leave him to it, switch your phone off and just go to sleep

This!

HedgePlastic · 21/02/2019 09:25

He sounds shit. But you sound like a ridiculous martyr. Sleep train your kids, get a babysitter and go out. FFS.

Zoflorabore · 21/02/2019 09:25

Ffs- op can hardly send the kids back can she?

Op- what is your plan now? You sound as though you mean business.

Sistersofmercy101 · 21/02/2019 09:27

Angry I am so bloody angry right now!
aquilla how dare you post such utter unhelpful counterproductive drivel?? And as for the posters attacking and blaming the OP - she came here for SUPPORT and help and you blamed her for the abusive situation she's been subjected too and drove her away!!
Disgusting!
OP I'm so sorry, please don't give up, there are those who do understand where you are - please get help, womens aid, the freedom programme online, your gp, health visitor can all help. Please you really truly do deserve better, so much better than this!

Teaandcrisps · 21/02/2019 09:27

OP ignore the rude posters on here diverting the discussion to having 4 kids.

This is entirely about your OH neglecting you and his role as a co-parent.

That you have not had a break for 8-years is unacceptable and I'm sorry but in my humble, if you love someone you just wouldn't stand by and let that happen.

Your DH may well be depressed but your dog tired and carrying him too by the sounds of it.

I would shake up the situation - can you book a hotel for a night and then get some sleep? Do you trust him to be able to look after his own kids overnight?

Then decide what you want to do - set new boundaries, chuck him out - your choice but you need sleep and a break.

Singlenotsingle · 21/02/2019 09:28

Why do you think it would be better if you were on your own? Can you honestly think there will ever be a time when he'll have all 4 kids at the same time? Will he have 3, 2 or even just 1? Overnights? No chance! And if he did (which won't happen) how could you trust him not to shout and scare them?

WaitrosePigeon · 21/02/2019 09:29

Well done to the idiots who have just left a vulnerable woman who needs help without another form of support.

strawberrisc · 21/02/2019 09:31

I wondered the same. I also hope if the 18 month dry spell comes to an end the OP is careful about contraception. This is NOT flaming, I would say the same to a friend if they asked my advice.

Stuckandsad · 21/02/2019 09:32

Pm'd you OP. please listen to the voices of reason on here. You don't have to accept this a moment longer

Teaandcrisps · 21/02/2019 09:33

Waitrosepidgeon

Precisely this - mumsnet at it's worst.

Zoflorabore · 21/02/2019 09:34

Is your dh possibly doing something else in the bathroom? Surely it doesn't take half an hour to do a poo?

I suggest you ask MN to move this over to relationships too op, the posters there have usually been through similar unfortunately and there are many survivors of domestic abuse.

tattooq · 21/02/2019 09:34

None of this is your fault OP, don't listen to the victim blamers.

Decormad38 · 21/02/2019 09:34

Im afraid I would have left him after the 1st! Time to move on unless he is amazing in some other way we don’t know about!

Sistersofmercy101 · 21/02/2019 09:35

teaandcrisps he shouts and screams at the children if they're left in his 'care' - how can the OP leave them with him - that's what he has deliberately engineered, trapping her over a barrel of doing it all for the sake of the children because he doesn't just not do it, he also behaves in a way that she doesn't feel that the children are safe with him.
The only recourse in this situation is to have him out out out, either she leaves with the kids or he leaves and the children stay with her.

StrangeLookingParasite · 21/02/2019 09:38

If he's been the same for 8 years, since your first child with him then why on earth would you have 3 more with him? It doesn't sound as though he's changed his ways over the years, just that you've changed your expectations of him. Sounds like you were a bit shortsighted to have so many children with the guy tbh.

The worst thing about this bullshitty useless question, which has been asked about fifty times on this thread, is it's absolutely redundant, and only functions as a means of feeling smug.
The children are here, this is her situation now, what earhtly good does it do to chastise her now for having had them?