My marriage is over because my husband takes half hour shits

[Arewehumanorbones]

Well obviously it's not that simple, but it's symptomatic.
Today I've just had enough.
I do every bloody night with the non sleeping kids. Husband has had beautiful sleep in the spare room since dc1 was born 8 years ago because he "has insomnia so can't cope with disrupted sleep".
Well fuck me, I haven't had a whole nights sleep in 8 years. This week I had 2. Lie insurance (only to 8am, but normally up at 5.30/6 with the toddler), and he's moaning about being ill and tired.
Today he hasthe day off. I've been awake since 4am with the toddler and done all the morning jobs etc. He gets up at 8am, sorts his own breakfast, potters around ignoring the kids, then disappears off for a half hour shit.
Well I'm just the SAHM so I suppose the kids and house are my job, but bollocks to that I've had enough. I've got my own part time job now, have squirrelled away some savings. At least as a single mum I'd get the odd weekend off for visitation. I've not had even a night out in 5 years.... While of course he has had weekends away and nights out with mates.
I'm currently upstairs leaving him to deal with the kids for 5 minutes. The trouble is he gets shouty and scares them which is why I've been reluctant to force the issue, but I'm at breaking point and noone seems to give a shit.

@BobTheDuvet
Dare I ask why you had four children if it was obvious after the first that he was going to be like this?

What a pointless and unhelpful question.

I'm not sure it is a pointless question. OP could be thinking of TTC DC5. Maybe she needs the prompt for reflection on why she put up with his behaviour and continued her own sleep deprivation and SAHM situation. Isn't that useful?

No family help. There is no way I'd leave the kids unsupervised with MIL, and my DM is disabled.
Yes I wonder why I had 4 as well. But you know, I loved him, he can be kind and considerate and can be good with the kids. It's not all bad. And I always hoped we were just in a bad patch

I do think it’s a relevant question to ask why op had four children knowing she had not had any sleep after each child because he didn’t step up.

You always think you've turned a corner. Until it happens again.

I am so sorry OP, you sound at the end of your tether. (Although, I do have to gently ask why on earth you kept having kids with him). Is he aware of his actions and how much they affect you? If he is shouty and punching walls etc, I think you are better off without him. My Ex was a moody so-and-so and getting rid was the best thing I ever did!

Not least to ensure you don’t have any more!

Do I have to keep justifying my kids?
Because it's not always bad. And I was the SAHM so my "job".

If he's been the same for 8 years, since your first child with him then why on earth would you have 3 more with him? It doesn't sound as though he's changed his ways over the years, just that you've changed your expectations of him. Sounds like you were a bit shortsighted to have so many children with the guy tbh.

No - bobtheduvet it's not really that helpful because it's diverting the discussion from what can an abuse victim do to be released from the situation they're in, to, why are they to blame for being in the situation.
Anyway anyone who's been in that situation or similar will tell you, it's boiling frog syndrome! It's all tiny, easily dismissed, 'gripes' that people tell you is forgivable 'dont sweat the small stuff' 'dont overeat' etc til it's clear by examining the bigger picture that your in an awful situation.
Good luck OP you know you deserve better, recognising that and fighting for it - that's the biggest battle!!

Oh ffs

Dare I ask why you had four children if it was obvious after the first that he was going to be like this?

I'm just in awe that she had the energy to have sex with him after doing everything for DC1.

Thanks sisters. Yes boiling frog is about right.

You sound like you already made the decision that you need to leave. What is stopping you at the moment?

God can we please stop asking why she had 4 kids with him, she's answered already. We hope these men will change, we hope it's a blip, life is not so black and white.

OP I agree you wil find life easier without him. He sees everything domestic as your "job" and obviously feels he's doing you a favour by helping out. It won't change, you will get more and more resentful. There is no easy answer but if you can get him to leave for a while then maybe that would be best.

I have already answered why I had my kids. And actually my kids are fantastic and I don't regret them one bit. I will not justify their existence

PLEASE consider sleep training.And stick with it. Sadly, the later you leave it, the harder it is to do.
Old gimmer here - I know it is frowned upon now 'oh they will learn to sleep eventually' but for the love of whatever you hold dear, you really need to teach them what to do for the sake of the whole family's sanity and future. If you were to get regular sleep, a lot of things may change.
Best of luck.

He punches the wall in anger!?

He’s a twat. He’s not a good guy. Good guys don’t let you have zero sleep and no break.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild Actually yes - several unhelpful others before you. Try RTFT.

Arewehumanorbones You're a great mother, and will definitely be better off on your own. Just remember, this isn't your fault

For those at the back of the room - please consider what 'boiling frog syndrome' means. No abusive situation starts out that way! It's hearts and flowers and sorry and promises to change etc etc
Stop victim blaming!
Where is your condemnation of the feckless husband and father? He's at fault here not the OP!!

His behaviour over eight years and four children is not a blip.

he has a day off today? Pack a bag & walk out - go and find a hotel and stay there for 24 hours - leave him to it, switch your phone off and just go to sleep

Step One: Stop bloody breastfeeding (if you haven't already).

Step Two: Sleep train those kids of yours. Time to get tough, OP!

Once you've got that sorted you will have the energy to train your DH.

I'm sorry I'm not coming back to this thread. I'm finding the comments really unhelpful

Have a nice day everyone.

bluetrews25 the children are NOT the problem here!!
Read the thread, did you miss the despicable behaviour of the husband towards the OP??
Your suggestion is appallingly shortsighted and inappropriate!