My marriage is over because my husband takes half hour shits

[Arewehumanorbones]

Well obviously it's not that simple, but it's symptomatic.
Today I've just had enough.
I do every bloody night with the non sleeping kids. Husband has had beautiful sleep in the spare room since dc1 was born 8 years ago because he "has insomnia so can't cope with disrupted sleep".
Well fuck me, I haven't had a whole nights sleep in 8 years. This week I had 2. Lie insurance (only to 8am, but normally up at 5.30/6 with the toddler), and he's moaning about being ill and tired.
Today he hasthe day off. I've been awake since 4am with the toddler and done all the morning jobs etc. He gets up at 8am, sorts his own breakfast, potters around ignoring the kids, then disappears off for a half hour shit.
Well I'm just the SAHM so I suppose the kids and house are my job, but bollocks to that I've had enough. I've got my own part time job now, have squirrelled away some savings. At least as a single mum I'd get the odd weekend off for visitation. I've not had even a night out in 5 years.... While of course he has had weekends away and nights out with mates.
I'm currently upstairs leaving him to deal with the kids for 5 minutes. The trouble is he gets shouty and scares them which is why I've been reluctant to force the issue, but I'm at breaking point and noone seems to give a shit.

Tbf op did not say she had four children because he wanted to keep her pregnant and be a SAHM. She said she loved him and he wasnt all bad.

newfonewhodis
Very very well said. Exactly.

Honestly, what is wrong with some people? You've obviously not learnt the "if you can't say anything nice or helpful, don't say it at all."

OP if you're still reading, maybe put this in Relationships as PP have said.

Well done AIBU. You've kicked a woman when she's down.

I'm not sure what op is expecting people to say really.

Unfortunately she's chosen to rapidly multiply mini versions of themselves four times every two years.

Regardless, if she had the best husband in the world, I think most people would realise that would mean a lot of stress at home and lack of sleep? As she's already been bashed about her family planning choices I don't need to add comment to that.

Personally I would not even think about having another child until the last one was sleeping through the night.

It's not good for anyone, including the kids being in such a chaotic routine. To save her sanity - as it does sounds as if shes on the edge - she needs to be stricter with the kids at night. *
*
Having a mother so tired and stressed out to the point of parents breaking up is surely worse than leaving them to cry it out?

If to hold down a job to provide for you all he needs sleep so he can continue to do that. *
*
The half hour toilet trips are another matter, I'd say if this is a man who's not had sex with his wife for 18 months he's probably getting his own 'private time' whilst locked in the loo on his phone.

I hope things get better for all your sakes.

aquilla... Main complaint?! Did you actually READ the whole thread? Or do you think that a husband who punches walls when asked politely to care for his children is not a problem??
Or the twisting of every discussion of childcare division into verbally abusing the op??
The children are NOT the problem. The OP isn't posting about non sleeping children. She's posting about an abusive husband!! Her main complaint is her husbands behaviour. She is NOT complaining about breastfeeding. She is NOT complaining about her childrens behaviour. She is complaining (rightly) about his. How dare you excuse his abuse and turn the blame /cause onto her and her children. aquilla you're an abuse apologist.

Why would you subject your children to him on weekends if he’s short and cross with them?

I think you may be depressed. Not unreasonable, given everything on your plate. The lack of sleep isn’t helping either.

Do you take your children out for fresh air daily? I took mine out for a long walk in the evening. It did help them sleep. That could be something you demand you do as a family, after dinner but before bath time.

A woman posts on here about her husband using coercive control as a way of abusing her and keeping her trapped and gets piled on.
d it occur to any of you idiots that keeping her pregnant for so long was a form of control from him?
hat her being in a SAHM meant that she may not have had access to money to enable her to leave?
That the fact she has NO extended family support further traps her in this situation? And he well knows that she has no help to walk away.
That her not being able to take a couple of hours to herself as he will scream at and frighten the kids is a form of abuse in itself?
Did you ignore that he has a vicious temper and punches the fucking walls?

Exactly this.

Abuse can be very subtle. She may have wanted to be pregnant and to have more children because it's a beautiful thing within all that misery.

OP - you may find with him out of the picture, that suddenly the children start sleeping better. You could even co-sleep for a bit, you'll be amazed how long toddlers will stay in bed if there's someone to cuddle up to.

Any man who punches a wall or inanimate object when angry is actually telling you to "behave because that wall could be your head". It's a useful form of violence for abusers because it keeps the abused in line and doesn't leave marks.

He brings nothing to the relationship except extra work. I'm so sorry that you weren't given the tools earlier in life to spot this waste of oxygen before ending up in the situation you are in. But you can do something about it, you are not entirely without agency. Recognising that you are in an abusive relationship is the first step.

Good luck.

OP you need a break and he needs to step up. Go out somewhere (shopping with long cafe breaks?) on your own for the afternoon and don’t take your phone, and tell him he’s doing nights once a week. It doesn’t seem much to ask. He’ll cope. You know, like the rest of us do. When you talk to him, try to be clear on exactly what you want him to do, rather than complain - complaining, however justified, is likely to get his back up and make him defensive.

Reconsider if you want to leave him when you’re less tired and upset. Glad to here you’re quietly building up a little cash to keep your options open.

Oh and get one of the DC to make a poster saying “no phones on the loo” and display prominently in the bathroom...

I too am seething...humans do human things which include falling in love and having babies and include the family life you had in mind turning sour. I don’t know anyone who’s planned their life out making only informed choices and good decisions which stand the scrutiny of hindsight. Not to mention the bloody victim blaming...

I only clicked on this because my fella takes half hour shits. And then saw the rest of it.

If you are still reading OP, I honestly think you might find it easier on your own even with all the graft of a young family. But you will be doing it on your own terms without the crippling resentment and the knowledge that you’re giving your life to a relationship that does not serve you. Good luck

Jesus, Aquilla - of course sorting out her DH should most definitely be next on the list for OP to fix.. it's all her fault after all . Some of the most offensive, victim blaming stuff I've seen in a long time - and you get to see it all on here.

FFS - hope you're doing ok Arewehumans..

Where is op
I am so disappointed in this thread. This poor human being simply needed support and she got a kicking.
Hang your head in total shame those of you that decided to attack her, shameful.

Op biggest hug to you 🙏🏻

Dare I ask why you had four children if it was obvious after the first that he was going to be like this?

What a pointless and unhelpful question.

Actually it is a good question. Why carry on making live harder and harder for yourself?

The children can't be undone, but bloody hell if just one woman reads MN and decided NOT to go on to have a 2nd baby with a useless twunt, its worth posting.

OP I agree with someone's suggestion of a hotel for a night's sleep in the first instance. Just tell him it's a done deal, you are going and he is parenting solo that night. Rest, room service, sleep.

Come back and lay down the law of what you need to make this family work for all six of you, not one person, him! Starting with him taking a share of bedtime routine and getting up with the early risers. No more half hour shits. Tell him if a single wall is punched, you will call the police and have him removed, you are not having yourself or your children subjected to this violence. He is lucky his family is still there but not for much longer if he carries on.

I was going to say report the thread and get it moved to Relationships but to be honest there's 4+ pages of people saying that the problem is the kids not sleeping, rather than the abusive twat she's married to; if this was my thread I'd want it to die not have it moved

OP if you are still reading can you start a new thread? I'd presume you need advice on how to split up rather?

Strange kind of insomniac who sleeps like a baby

I don't blame you OP. Get shot of the lazy selfish prick.

My bullshit-ometer is done for the day. Jesus, MN, what the hell?? Poor OP.

Nice.

So instead of addressing the main issue people got sidetracked and asked stupid questions about why she had 4 kids in the first place.

It's not a relevant question. It really isn't as it doesn't move the conversation forward for the OP, it doesn't help her in the slightest.

So well done those who, instead of helping her deal with her OH, berated her and made her feel guilty about her life choices. Lovely.

Fucks sake MN. Atrocious reactions sometimes. I am really starting to despair at the lack of empathy and common sense on here.

Stop enabling him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are having a lie in on Sunday and you do not want him shouting at the children, that you are having a night out with friends in the next few weeks and expect him to be home in time to put the children to bed.

When people act like an arse, it’s usually because they are allowed to. It is up to you to make sure your dh does his fair share of raising a family and that includes cooking dinner at least twice a month. It will be hard, because he has been allowed to behave like a child himself for the last 8 years.

Remind him that he enjoys sleep, weekends, time out with friends etc, but that you should also be enjoying these things.

(The half hour shits aren’t really an issue if that’s how long it takes him)

Exactly what Springwalk and Pink said.

She may have wanted to be pregnant and to have more children because it's a beautiful thing within all that misery.

So in order to give advice, is it not reasonable that people understand this kind of thought process?

Oh OP, I feel so awful for you, firstly because of the frustration in your post (I had this when my daughter was a month old and absolutely lost my shit at DH - he was carrying on as if nothing had changed going to the pub/races/jolly boys’ outings) and I still haven’t actually forgiven him over a year later.

It changes how you feel about the once love of your life. DH actually did change, although still goes abroad on stag dos and went of a trip to Vegas, but I just told him for every trip he does I get one too. He pulls his weight more but I still do the lion’s share, and it wears me down so goodness knows how you feel.

Secondly, I’m sorry for the repeated questions about why you had four children! You don’t need to explain yourself; life happens, relationships are complex.

Well done on getting a new job. Having a separate life from home and motherhood can be a real lifeline when you feel so trapped.

A colleague of mine recently left her husband of 20 years after the exact same situation as you. He told her she’d spent ten years as a part time SAHM shopping and flitting about. Now he has his children every other weekend and odd weeknights, cooks, cleans, does his own laundry, he has begged her forgiveness and said he realises how much he didn’t appreciate her. Maybe it’s the shock your partner needs.

*So in order to give advice, is it not reasonable that people understand this kind of thought process?
*

How does her reason for having 4 children affect the advice in any way? The children have been born, they are here. Making the OP feel like shit for having them doesn’t help. She needs practical solutions and support.

FFS to all the questions why did she already have all the kids! How unhelpful.

Shall she pick some to give up for adoption because less would be more manageable?

OP, you're a superhero - doing all that with five children - but at least you can cut one loose!

Does he bring anything to your life/do you want reconsiliation?

If yes I would tell him to pack a bag and sleep at his mum's, it will give you space and a wake up call.

If not, meet a solicitor and get your ducks in a row, do you have any money of your own saved?