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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My marriage is over because my husband takes half hour shits

314 replies

Arewehumanorbones · 21/02/2019 08:36

Well obviously it's not that simple, but it's symptomatic.
Today I've just had enough.
I do every bloody night with the non sleeping kids. Husband has had beautiful sleep in the spare room since dc1 was born 8 years ago because he "has insomnia so can't cope with disrupted sleep".
Well fuck me, I haven't had a whole nights sleep in 8 years. This week I had 2. Lie insurance (only to 8am, but normally up at 5.30/6 with the toddler), and he's moaning about being ill and tired.
Today he hasthe day off. I've been awake since 4am with the toddler and done all the morning jobs etc. He gets up at 8am, sorts his own breakfast, potters around ignoring the kids, then disappears off for a half hour shit.
Well I'm just the SAHM so I suppose the kids and house are my job, but bollocks to that I've had enough. I've got my own part time job now, have squirrelled away some savings. At least as a single mum I'd get the odd weekend off for visitation. I've not had even a night out in 5 years.... While of course he has had weekends away and nights out with mates.
I'm currently upstairs leaving him to deal with the kids for 5 minutes. The trouble is he gets shouty and scares them which is why I've been reluctant to force the issue, but I'm at breaking point and noone seems to give a shit.

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 21/02/2019 09:38

OP - please ignore the haters - you do have people on here who understand and can help you think thru your options. You can rebuild the life you want and deserve for you and your beautiful children. x

Yippeee · 21/02/2019 09:38

Based on the op, he’s not likely to look after them if they split and she couldn’t trust him anyway.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 21/02/2019 09:42

Op I had a similar life.
I had a useless dp and 4 dc with him.
I borrowed some cash from my dgm and found a rental house.
I left him.
You can too.
All these posters have been lucky enough to have never walked in similar shoes.
Flowers

wafflyversatile · 21/02/2019 09:43

Sounds like you are making the right choice for you and your children. I would be concerned about how shouty he'll ve when they are in his care though.

MadAboutWands · 21/02/2019 09:44

Well done people.
Someone clearly at the end their tether came to ask for help and all you thought about doing was putting her down, telling her it was her fault, how dare you having more kids with him and what not.

I’m sure you will find a special place in hell with all the victim blaming people who are trying to make themselves better and feel superior by attacking a vulnerable person.

Lesson that I’ve learned a long time ago on MN. Never posted when you are feeling vulnerable unless your position is clearly the one of the victim on MN terms, aka your DP has cheated.

Sistersofmercy101 · 21/02/2019 09:44

Also ending bf something that should be between a mother and her child - a situation that comes about naturally - it should not be enforced by untenable circumstances, because if it is coerced the emotional, hormonal and physical ramifications on the mother is often depression!
Sleep training hahahahaha yeah that's not stressful at all! The science behind it shows its detrimental for parents and children unless it's an organic process (which it isn't because it's 'training') - I think you'll find that being in an emotionally psychologically abusive relationship is the root cause of the OP s misery and that being free of it will make mothering four children much easier (not easy but they at least are worth the hard hard work) wishing you well OP. Flowers

NabooThatsWho · 21/02/2019 09:44

Why do you think it would be better if you were on your own?

Because she wouldn’t have to live in the same house as an abuser Hmm

Even if he never took the kids, at least OP and her DC would be able to live in a nice, calm atmosphere.

And also, OP won’t constantly feel frustrated and let down.

MadAboutWands · 21/02/2019 09:45

Of course, this isn’t directed to the posters who tried and help!

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 21/02/2019 09:48

At least as a single mum I'd get the odd weekend off for visitation. I've not had even a night out in 5 years.... While of course he has had weekends away and nights out with mates.

You assume he's be living in anything other than a 1 bed flat/house share and could facilitate overnight visits.

NabooThatsWho · 21/02/2019 09:54

You assume he's be living in anything other than a 1 bed flat/house share and could facilitate overnight visits.

Even if he didn’t do overnights, he could take them out for a few hours, giving OP a much needed break.

OP it seems some posters think you would be better to stay with him. I don’t know what planet they live on. You do everything anyway, so being a single parent won’t make much difference to your work load.

WorraLiberty · 21/02/2019 09:57

OP it seems some posters think you would be better to stay with him. I don’t know what planet they live on.

I don't think that's the case at all, or at least that's not how I'm reading it.

I think what they're saying is, the OP may need to lower her expectations because he may not take all 4 kids out at the same time.

Aquilla · 21/02/2019 09:58

sistersofmercy101
Eh, because it would solve (yes, really!) the op's main complaint which is lack of sleep?
But the Mumsnet Martyrs don't like to hear that, do they?

pilates · 21/02/2019 10:03

I think you should stay put with the kids and he should leave. He clearly doesn’t respect you and you will feel so much better without him in your house. So sorry but he sounds an arse 💐

sonjadog · 21/02/2019 10:06

Well, this was a great read. A woman comes at the end of her tether and is harassed with stupid, pointless questions about why she had four children with him. What is the point in asking that? She can't send them back, can she?? If she had come here after one or two children and asked for advice, then that might be a useful discussion, but asking this question now, after the children is born, is in no way helpful.

Babyroobs · 21/02/2019 10:06

I sympathise - I had four kids under seven years too and they were all poor sleepers except one and I did all the extended breastfeeding too. It does get easier, I never quite mastered the whole sleep training thing either - you are so desperate for some sleep that you do anything to get by and the energy just isn't there to tolerate leaving kids to cry or whatever sleep training involves. With this many kids it really is a two man job with both pulling their weight. I was lucky my dh was amazing getting up in the night or early morning to let me sleep in. I think you need to have a serious chat with him, either he steps up or leaves. You cannot carry on like this or you will be ill.

GummyGoddess · 21/02/2019 10:09

When can you put plans to leave in place? Have you seen a solicitor yet, you don't have to do anything but just consider the information you receive.

I hope you are still reading even if not replying. Check benefit entitlement, maintenance entitlement, possible split of assets, research housing in your area for costs. Once you have this information then you can decide what to do and when to do it. For me, even if he suddenly changed I couldn't forgive the years he has spent putting himself first so I would then implement my plans asap to get away from him.

Even no overnights you would have a break of a few hours while he had them, and you wouldn't have to listen to his whinging about being tired on 8 hours of sleep a night without the demands of breastfeeding (totally understand why you wouldn't want to stop).

I think even just being on your own would be better doing it all compared to doing it all when there is someone around to help who doesn't.

Faultymain5 · 21/02/2019 10:12

I didn't ask because Ijust got through the thread. As it's only 4 pages, not sure why so many posters asked the same question, but it clearly is a question that crossed their and my minds.

I think it's a good question to ask, as it goes to seeing how the OP makes decisions (good, bad or indifferent) and can help you frame your advice better.

The fixer with actual realtime solutions should not be shot down, just because it's not the way you would do things.

Those children should be able to sleep by now. No-one should be sleep deprived and she should be seeing light at the end of the tunnel. No training, means they can continue this behaviour.

If breastfeeding is doing you no favours, why continue? If it's not working for you (and seriously OP is at the end of her tether), it surely is not working for them and if OP is so tense from such a lack of continuous sleep, this in turn coudl be affecting they're responses and indeed their sleep. Everything is connected.

If she wants to leave her DH then she should, but whether she makes decision, goes back to the first question, and how she comes to making decisions going forward. imo

tinylittlesharpteeth · 21/02/2019 10:13

I doubt taking a half hour shit is all he's doing. He's taking the major piss.

Oh to live in the ideal world some pp here must live in, wouldn't it be great!

Op, I've heard many lazy bastard stories on here, but your lazy bastard is particularly fucking lazy. You really would be better off alone.

SureTry · 21/02/2019 10:15

Well done those of you who were so nasty! She didn't make the children on her own. She doesn't have a DC problem, it's her lazy arse man child husband. Hope you're ok OP, well done for getting your job and making your plan to get out. Stay strong x

DippyAvocado · 21/02/2019 10:15

Not sure if you are still reading but we have a similar situation re sleeping arrangements due to DH's sleep problems. I only have two DC but the youngest (now nearly 6) has been a terrible sleeper and still comes in with me most nights so I've had nearly 10 years of disrupted sleep.

It is an area that can cause huge resentment. It has been an issue for us in the past but the game-changer has been that I have insisted DH take on the brunt of the mornings, especially at weekends. We have activities to get to so I don't spend all morning lying in bed but he will sort out the DC and even make my breakfast. It makes a big difference to me as it feels as if he's pulling his weight and giving me a break.

You need to sit down and talk to him about what he can do to ease the burden. If he genuinely won't do anything, then I would consider the relationship pretty much over.

downcasteyes · 21/02/2019 10:16

I actually think that you will find being single easier than this.

Being in a relationship like this drains you not just practically but emotionally. You sound like you have simply had enough of the inequality - it is harmful and degrading, I think, to be treated as nothing but a drudge by someone whose actions clearly state that he thinks he's above the same work.

TheFaerieQueene · 21/02/2019 10:21

I can’t understand the berating of the OP. These children have 2 parents who are equally responsible for their care night and day.
OP I would get rid of him. I did it many many years ago. It was brilliant.

Springwalk · 21/02/2019 10:35

He is on his phone in the toilet. No one needs half an hour unless theu are ill.
This is just symptomatic of the wider problem that he has totally checked out.

Ultimatum; you draw up a new plan dividing up your time. You need quality time to relax. It’s his job to take them to the park, soft play once a week at least. He has to do his fair share of nights at the weekend or on days off or he is out. And mean it....

Then once he has managed to do this, you can start working on your marriage.

NewFoneWhoDis · 21/02/2019 10:37

Fucks sake.

A woman posts on here about her husband using coercive control as a way of abusing her and keeping her trapped and gets piled on.

Did it occur to any of you idiots that keeping her pregnant for so long was a form of control from him?
That her being in a SAHM meant that she may not have had access to money to enable her to leave?
That the fact she has NO extended family support further traps her in this situation? And he well knows that she has no help to walk away.
That her not being able to take a couple of hours to herself as he will scream at and frighten the kids is a form of abuse in itself?
Did you ignore that he has a vicious temper and punches the fucking walls?

You gang up on a vulnerable abused exhausted woman and blame her. Invent a mental health issue to excuse him and berate her for having her children. To the point where she turns away from probably the only source of support and advice she has at the moment.

Well done.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 21/02/2019 10:38

Agree with Babyroobs.

Please do come back @Arewehumanorbones Mam of 4 here too and I have nothing but total sympathy for you Thanks

Also on a practical note do look into what childcare you're entitled to for your youngest.