Advice for leaving

[Amicrazyornot]

Hi all,
So earlier this year told my H wanted to seperate. Been together 10+ years, married just over half and 2 DC.
I asked to be put on housing list as I have nothing - no job, savings etc currently. He won't leave as it was my decision to split and he doesn't want to leave kids.

To my surprise I have been offered a new home, with potential for moving in within a week.

I asked him to discuss with me how we could make this as smooth a transition for kids as possible - preferably with a gradual setting up / moving in time as I have nothing.

Hes absolutely furious. Says it's not happening, I can't take the children, this is their home & that I need a solicitor.
I can't just swan off and have no repercussions for ending our marriage.
Lots of other very bitter and hard things to hear - I am destroying my childrens lives, I am manipulative and have lied to get the house (truly haven't) etc

My family want me to leave asap and are willing to give time and money to do so.
I am worried that I will be causing untold damage to my kids (what he tells me will happen) and just so stressed and exhausted from constantly have to defend my choice.

Do I take the opportunity and go for it?
Or do I lose the opportunity and stay here longer until I can get him to be able to speak to me rationally about things & understand this is the way thing will be

Take it!

100% take it!
Of course he's furious.
He thought you were bluffing.
His cushy life is vanishing before his very eyes.
He also thought you'd never get another place this quickly.
You can take your DC where ever you like, within reason.
Is this place very far away from their father?
If so then all you have to do is accommodate access to his DC.
Does he work full-time?
I assume you are the resident parent.
So yes, you can do as you wish.
You do NOT need his permission to end the marriage.
I would also have some professional back-up here.
An organisation like Womens Aid or Rights of Women would be a good place to start.
This is your new start.
Do NOT allow him to take it away from you.
Good luck!

Of course you take it, you are very lucky to get it and it makes leaving so much easier. His reaction only makes it more obvious that you are right. Good luck!

Thanks for response @hellsbellsmelons
It's a just over a mile away
I'm a sahm. He works full times.
I am overly accomodating - want him to have a great relationship with them - but nothing is good enough for him unless we are all under same roof.

I just feel absolutely sick with stress over it & terrified, it's so sudden. I have nothing, no money, no furniture.

I will try and call women's aid this afternoon or tomorrow. Kids are around so don't want to offload in front of them.

Please don't forget you are also entitled to a good relationship with your dc.
I borrowed cash off dgm and moved out. Enlisted a neighbour to help with the move.
Exh saw dc all day Sat, in time eow.
In time the dc went nc with him also...
His doing, def not mine.
You owe it to your dc for you to be happy also.
As much as they need their df, they need a stable happy dm too.

Thanks @pog yes it was his reaction to me asking for help in that I was unhappy that made me realise we needed to seperate.

@aprilshowers yes you are right. Another of my major reasons for leaving. He wanted me to stay until they were at least 16, so they didn't get affected. But I had already started to not recognise myself, that they wouldn't even know the real me if I did that.
He is scared I will take children away (not what I'm intending, he can see them whenever and however he wants). I just don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

Remember it is up to him to nurture his relationship with the dc. Don't try to be over invested. Don't make a big deal if he starts letting them down. My ex had a minimal relationship with the dc when we were together. That never changed and they saw him for what he was (useless and selfish) and they stopped seeing him. An ex who is bitter towards the dm isn't a great df. Do not take any abuse op. Your leaving will only affect his relationship with the dc if he lets it. Not your doing.

It just feels so sudden - was expecting it to take longer to get sorted. Feel like rug has been taken out from underneath me.
Feel sick and so stressed - the fallout is going to be horrendous.

If it makes you feel less shit, I moved out the day his dgf died! He had been ill in hospital and I had visited, he was more concerned about me +the dc than himself.
Exh def didn't expect me to go but I did. And sure his dgf would have approved!

Thanks for trying to make me feel less shitty @aprilshowers
Its just such a big step to take isn't it

This is a fantastic opportunity for you and the kids.

Of course he's furious - he didn't think you meant it.

My family want me to leave asap and are willing to give time and money to do so.

Take every offer of help and money going! They can help you get some furniture - even if it's crappy stuff from a charity shop that you hate; it doesn't matter. Beds/table/chairs/kettle/cooker - the rest can wait.

Good luck! This is the start of the rest of your life. Don't let him ruin it for you.

Thanks @greenfingers
I know and I am not ungrateful in the least, I can't believe it, I am just really truly terrified!
My heart and head say go for it, you can make it work for the kids, there's just a part of my self that's been so ground down by him that is doubting absolutely everything.

My heart and head say go for it, you can make it work for the kids

Listen to this bit! Your self esteem will soar once you're out.

Just wondering. Want to know what goes on behind closed doors. How much do you put up with? What's acceptable?
I think sometimes I do look through rose tinted glasses but sometimes I think one shouldn't put up with anything other than "nice". Surely everyone argues? Screams? Throws things? Pushes?
Don't want my kids to think it's normal though.
Confused and sad.

Whoops I've posted in the wrong area I meant to start a new thread. Sorry.

Apologies, I am back.
Stress levels so high - think I just need a handhold over the next week.
Feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a massive mountain!

Handhold from me
You are absolutely doing the right thing for you and your children. Grab your opportunity with both hands and have courage. It will get better once you are out and it's just you and the DC most of the time.

Stand your ground. Hold your nerve.

Even if the split were amicable, you'd both need a solicitor.

Thanks all. Just feel so sick all the time (stress?).
I am constantly doubting whether I am doing the right thing - no matter if it's what I want? I suppose because this has been my life for last decade & it's scary taking control for once?
Kids don't have a clue and it could all go horribly wrong.

Am I very naive in thinking we could manage this amicably? How do I get advice re solicitor?

Firstly don’t mention it again to him.
Get your ducks in a row.
Move everything you need out eg beds for kids, toys, sentimental and legal stuff.
Then move.
Don’t tell him a thing.
Arrange to meet at a public location.
Always have someone with you when you meet.

It doesnt sound as though he wants to be amicable.
That's up to him.

He might change his outlook and he might not.

Just try to do right by yourself and your children.

And try to regain a sense of self - what you like to do, what your skills are etc.

Some solicitors will offer a free consultation.
If your family can offer funds to help, even as a loan, take it.

I didn't get proper legal advice for a year and was in a pickle by then.

But definitely take the house!

I was lucky enough to be in local authority housing. After 3 years of volunteering, studying etc I got a job. After another 2 years I had saved enough for a house deposit. I think if I had been struggling in a private rental I wouldn't have managed to buy.

You need to try to be as amicable as possible. If you ‘take’ the kids, what is to stop him ‘taking’ them back?

You should see a solicitor before you move out and see where you stand. Ideally you should agree upon access before it all happens; otherwise it could become really unpleasant.

In reality, you will end up as the resident parent but your children certainly have a right to regular contact (including meaningful overnight) stays with your (ex) husband.

All the people saying ‘go for it’ without any reservations need to think about what would happen if their other halves just left and ‘took’ the children.

@larrygrylls I am trying my absolute best to be amicable and have given constant reassurance that I am on board with contact/access. I know how much he means to them, and them to him.
I don't want their relationship to stop, I just want my relationship with him to end.

He doesn't hear it though - just repeats and repeats about how I am destroying his life, destroying kids life. I can't carry on like this, I am mentally exhausted.

In reality I am highly aware I have nothing - no money, no furniture to set up with so I am keen to make it as gradual for the children as possible - not a cut and run.
I feel stupid for thinking that this could happen.

The issue is I need to make a decision by next week as to whether I am taking it - if not, it goes to the next person and I have one strike. It is quick (&terrifying) but it is the hand I have been dealt & I'm not sure when the next time I will get an opportunity like this will be.
I feel so utterly selfish and guilty, awful.
So ungrateful as well.

You have every right to split up and nothing to feel guilty about.

You should take the house but:

I think you really need to see a good solicitor, ideally today and have your husband receive a letter from him/her setting out what is happening. Also check with the solicitor whether you can just take another property or whether this would be seen badly by a court (which, by the sound of it, is sadly where you will end up).

Your husband is clearly upset and in denial; it is sad but he will get over it. A legal letter setting things out clearly and logically may be the dose of reality he needs to engage in the process.

Unless your husband is abusive I think secretly departing with the children is a really bad idea.

Just updating, had a very bad day yesterday. Very tearful and emotional all day.

My family is all for me leaving and are scooping me up everyday.

He wants to talk more tonight and I am absolutely dreading it.