Advice for leaving

[Amicrazyornot]

Hi all,
So earlier this year told my H wanted to seperate. Been together 10+ years, married just over half and 2 DC.
I asked to be put on housing list as I have nothing - no job, savings etc currently. He won't leave as it was my decision to split and he doesn't want to leave kids.

To my surprise I have been offered a new home, with potential for moving in within a week.

I asked him to discuss with me how we could make this as smooth a transition for kids as possible - preferably with a gradual setting up / moving in time as I have nothing.

Hes absolutely furious. Says it's not happening, I can't take the children, this is their home & that I need a solicitor.
I can't just swan off and have no repercussions for ending our marriage.
Lots of other very bitter and hard things to hear - I am destroying my childrens lives, I am manipulative and have lied to get the house (truly haven't) etc

My family want me to leave asap and are willing to give time and money to do so.
I am worried that I will be causing untold damage to my kids (what he tells me will happen) and just so stressed and exhausted from constantly have to defend my choice.

Do I take the opportunity and go for it?
Or do I lose the opportunity and stay here longer until I can get him to be able to speak to me rationally about things & understand this is the way thing will be

I am expecting him to be. I am very nervous about him being difficult. I am aware I will definitely need legal aid / solicitor advice.

However, I have been extraordinarily lucky - cannot believe it. Thank you for all your words of support too. It helps me feel less alone, as I do worry about the burden I am being on my family already.

Just one important thing l wanted to say op, you deserve to be happy too and l am sure your family are delighted for you.
Keep going as best you can it will soon be over and you will be happily sat in your new (peaceful) house!

Just wanted to say your dc will trust your decision to leave op. Don't doubt youself. I think I finally felt an adult at 26 when I took 4x dc and left dh.
It's the tough side of being a dm. Trusting your own judgement - especially when someone you used to love is grinding you down.
Stay strong.
We are rooting for you.

I wouldn't discuss anything with your husband until you are moved out & safe, he may try to prevent you leaving. Try & move out when he is at work, that way there won't be any arguments or dramas. Get moved in your new home & sort out your solicitor first.

Hi all, just checking in. More sorting of things for house today. My DM wants me out asap as she's worried he's going to pull something (via solicitor) to ensure kids don't move and she knows I will really struggle with that.
I'd like to think not, but I am still on edge/suspicious of everything.
I just feel like my brain is absolute mush at the moment.

Amicrazy you are doing so well. I hope he doesn’t pull anything. I feel like it’s cruel for me to just leave but my mum is worried H will be nasty, rude, difficult & maybe borderline violent so she thinks it’s the safest way. Reading your thread I think she has a point. But it’s all so hard. Wish I had a magic wand. I’m getting ulcers, headaches etc.

Rooting for you & cheering you on from the sidelines. You’re AMAZING xx

@moffa - how has it been since you have been back from holiday?
Yes the stress is awful isn't it. I have never felt so ill before and so tired.
You know him better than anyone, so you must trust your instincts.
I genuinely don't feel amazing, but thank you for your support, as always. It still feels very surreal as kids are still unaware and it's still all "normal".

I am rooting for you too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, so am so sorry you are going through similar xx

Hi, I would advise you to not tell him when you're leaving and to do it when he's at work with the help of your family. Should be relatively simple if you don't have much stuff. Now you have the keys it's probably time to tell the kids but make it exciting and positive. Good luck!

Looking forward to hearing you are in your new home

Hi Amicrazy! How’s it going? Have you decided on n a move-out date?

H got back quite late last night so it was just a quick chat & dinner. I got a brief hug & kiss on the cheek (after 2weeks apart - but I was fine with that!) then Despite how anxious I had been feeling I actually slept really well. I think it was because I felt nothing for him and that was a relief.

Keep us updated. I want to know you’re ok xx

Hi all - am OK.
Still not really eating or sleeping well but taking it day by day. The house is slowly getting set up with the help of my amazing family (specifically my brilliant stepdad).

They are keen for me to leave this weekend (& getting a bit frustrated I'm not away already), but I have agreed to do the mediation next week so he cannot say I am obstructing.

He has been relatively friendly, accepting and willing to talk. Still not 100% sure why we need official mediation and am taking everything with a big pinch of salt.

There is quite a few bits in the house that I want to sort through / move over with him not around and can only really do that when he's at work (I would have done if I had had more time anyway, just everything moved so quickly), so I'm pinning next Friday as the day to tell the kids and go to the house, if not before if mediation is before that.

@moffa - how are your plans going? Xx

Glad to hear that AMI.....keep your own counsel through mediation, as he will try and manipulate you into staying anyway he can, if you don't want that and it sounds like you don't then please stop caring if he says you are 'obstructing' or not....this is about you and your future and that of your Dcs...look firmly ahead and make your decisions on what you know in your heart is right. NOT WHAT HE SAYS .

Don't allow him to place that guilt about destroying your children's lives on you.

My DM and DF split when I was 7 years old.
I wish they had done it sooner.

The violence, the upset of seeing my mother and sister in danger, of seeing them so unhappy... it messed me up in many ways. Took me a long time to get over.

My DM put up with so much shit from DF and I still have no idea why. And I was fully aware of her anguish even at that age. I don't think I was aware of why as such (though looking back my DF's affair was so blatantly obvious, the word disrespect doesn't even cover it).

Please be reassured that your children want you happy. They truly do. And if you're honest with them, then they will understand - even if it takes time. A household with unhappy parents is awful.

Please keep going. Draw strength from your family and this thread. We are 100% behind you. You are doing the right thing.

The fact that your entire family is urging you to leave and are willing to go to any length to facilitate it speaks volumes.

Leave. Just leave. You need to leave and leave quietly. As in packing bags and leaving when he isn't there. Can you and DC stay with your mum until the house is ready?

You are not 'obstructing' by not going to mediation. Obstructing would be refusing to let him see the DC at all or putting ridiculous conditions that he can't meet on seeing them. Obstructing is NOT simply not agreeing with what he wants 100%, which is what he thinks it is. TBH, he's such a bully that doing mediation with him would be fruitless. Do you really think he's going to agree to anything you suggest? I don't. And you don't need to 'play the game' to appease him. You've been doing that far too long.

Also, it is absolutely imperative that you see a solicitor as soon as you can. Beg, borrow or steal the money. You will be glad you have legal representation, trust me.

Hi Amicrazy,

Plans afoot here. Have found a solicitor so hoping to meet next week. I’m glad you started this thread as it’s good to get advice from everyone (Plinkplink - I don’t want my DC to wonder why I stayed - your post gives me strength).

I just want to do it now. Got to wait until he is away as then it will be easier to move my furniture etc. Makes my heart race just thinking about it.

I’m hoping solicitor will give me good advice on things.

How are you tonight? Xx

Not great tonight @moffa.
Had really great afternoon with my parents at house sorting stuff out, and they stayed to give us a lift home (it's a long walk) from collecting kids from school. The kids were so pleased.
I told him we had had a lift home (as kids would say as soon as he was home and he hates my parents) and he has just responded asking to talk tonight (again!).

I am nervous. Found an online agreement you can use to work out parenting arrangements and have requested we do this instead as I don't think we need mediation, but he is insisting that we do.

I want to be out next weekend, but I have a feeling that is going to be hard to achieve.

Good news re the solicitor. That is still on my massive list of things to do.

Oh sorry to hear not great. Sending huge hugs & loads of strength to you. Glad your parents are supportive too.

I saw a friend today who is going through a divorce. She doesn’t know my situation or plan but was talking about her own. She said you have to go to mediation now? I don’t know if that’s true or not but worth checking.

I got a solicitor appointment but it’s not for 3 weeks (first date we could both do). On the plus side it gives me a chance to get information gather in preparation. It makes it feel real. I am ready though. It’s going to be tough but I can do it. As can you.

I know - so much to do! I’ve been gradually moving stuff to my parents but there’s only so much I can move without it being obvious things have gone.

I’m out tonight with friends. H is working all weekend then he wants to have some family time on Sunday, after 3pm. He thinks that is spending time together & being a Dad. It makes me sad & angry.

Hope tonight goes ok between you xx

Sorry to hear you're not having a good day.

I want to be out next weekend, but I have a feeling that is going to be hard to achieve

You can still go to mediation after you've moved out... I think you should go as soon as possible.

Your parents sound ace.

They have been fantastic, I can't fault them.
I know @greenfingers, I think he believes that when I have moved I will change my mind, or something, and stop access?
Not what I am thinking in the least. I just want my relationship with him to be over and to be by myself. Learn to be me again and not feel like I am going crazy all the time. I already feel like I am waiting for a telling off this evening - I'm in my 30s!!! I shouldn't be feeling like that.

My parents have made the new house so lovely, I just want the kids to see if and be there now. It's so close, within touching distance.

Just keep looking forwards Op.
I am so pleased for you that the house is lovely, just keep reminding yourself that if your family didn't think your separation was absolutely necessary then they would not be being as supportive as they are.

You don't need to stay to do mediation. Mediation is a way of making discussions easier. The only discussion you need is shared parenting. He is so clearly trying to not let go of control over you. Let your parents move you this weekend, go to mediation next week. There is nothing, for you, to be gained by staying.

How are you OP?

We are here if you need support

💐

Morning all,

Sorry for lack of posting. Yesterday I escaped to the house for a few hours whilst he took DC out. I am slowly starting to feel myself relax when I'm at the new house and starting to allow myself to believe I might even be happy there.

Few discussions yesterday, during the day, which seemed positive (although I take it all with a big pinch of salt). Evening spent going through bills for old house with him (he has changed his online bank details so I haven't been able to sort bills this month - usually my job) and he's really not happy about it all and how much money he'll be left with. It's all his responsibility now though.

I'm aware I didn't have to do that, but wanted to ensure that I had left everything in good order, especially as it will affect kids if he's screwed over.

I have found a form online about shared parenting and put my thoughts down about what I think is appropriate in terms of access and other parenting choices. I am going to send that over this evening to him. He is still adamant to see mediation so he can ensure it is "fair and legal" with someone who is experienced in these things. I am hoping that this will be this week.

I would love to be trusted that I can be an adult and be able to determine what is best for my own children, by him
But that has not been the case for a while, so not sure why that's even a thought in my head.

I have said I want to move on the weekend so it's more relaxed for the children. He is still very resistant and says it is rushed, but I've done everything in my power to make it as smooth a transition as possible.

I don't think there is anything more I can do really. Just a waiting game now. I have been in touch with a few solicitors, just waiting for them to come back to me, so I have that extra support.

I honestly didn't think this time two years ago, when I realised I was so desperately unhappy, that this was even a possibility. I have taken little steps the whole way (mentally and physically) and I am so close.

Hope you are all well, thank you for very much for checking in on me