Advice for leaving

[Amicrazyornot]

Hi all,
So earlier this year told my H wanted to seperate. Been together 10+ years, married just over half and 2 DC.
I asked to be put on housing list as I have nothing - no job, savings etc currently. He won't leave as it was my decision to split and he doesn't want to leave kids.

To my surprise I have been offered a new home, with potential for moving in within a week.

I asked him to discuss with me how we could make this as smooth a transition for kids as possible - preferably with a gradual setting up / moving in time as I have nothing.

Hes absolutely furious. Says it's not happening, I can't take the children, this is their home & that I need a solicitor.
I can't just swan off and have no repercussions for ending our marriage.
Lots of other very bitter and hard things to hear - I am destroying my childrens lives, I am manipulative and have lied to get the house (truly haven't) etc

My family want me to leave asap and are willing to give time and money to do so.
I am worried that I will be causing untold damage to my kids (what he tells me will happen) and just so stressed and exhausted from constantly have to defend my choice.

Do I take the opportunity and go for it?
Or do I lose the opportunity and stay here longer until I can get him to be able to speak to me rationally about things & understand this is the way thing will be

Yes, little steps for sure. You know, it's not a conscious thing, it's not a sudden disappearance of tension with a fanfare. What will happen is that one day you will be sitting in the living room, mopping the floor, or lying in bed and it will occur to you "Huh! Something's different. Oh! That knot is gone!". And you'll realize that it's been gone for some time!

I think it's very important that he not provide anything for your house, other than perhaps food, or items specifically for the children like toys or clothes. Because it has nothing to do with providing, he simply wants to make his 'presence' felt in the house. And personally, I'd hate to look at a chair, a book, or even a loo brush and think "XX bought that". Just no!

@acrossthepond yes I agree, I thought about it after, these are things that I have provided or my family have provided and surely that should be good enough?
As long as the kids are cared for and have what they need, I don't see how it could be an issue.

Thankfully my parents have been taking care of everything practical - even sorting TV cables out! So I haven't had to ask him.

Just a note re 101 (in case anyone is reading and in a similar situation) I know it may be different in local areas, but my experience has been really positive. They have been so helpful - they treated it as domestic violence (even though I was just asking for advice), phoned me three times a day to check I was OK. My number was set up that if I called control room someone would be dispatched immediately. They also had to arrange to send an officer round to answer any questions, check me and kids were ok and in a safe situation, take a report etc. I can't believe how thorough and kind they were at every step.
Thankfully they were happy I was just phoning for advice and are putting that in report, but I am completely reassured that they would have dealt with anything that came up effectively.

Hope that helps someone x

Hi Amicrazy,

I’m so pleased things are working out for you & that H seems to be being civil.

I’m so envious of you in your new home! And agree with other posters in time the knot will be gone & you’ll be dancing around the kitchen.

In terms of filling your time while DC are with him, I think it’s a case of making a few plans (drink/coffee with a friend, taking up a hobby, reading good books - but I guess also getting used to being happy in your own company).

Thanks for the 101 advice - that definitely might come in handy for me - will they set it up on a mobile phone?

Well done again, you’re awesome!

HI op so glad to hear you and dcs are doing ok.

I agree it is rather controlling for DH to be cross that your family set up the house, of course you don't want 'his' influence in your new home.

I do think him having the Dcs ALL weekend is a lot to begin with for them, l would suggest one day and one night at the most.

You feel selfish, guilty because he is projecting that into you.
Break it down.
Why would he want you all to stay together, knowing you are so unhappy?
And professional and court agree that if the main parent is happy, balanced, and offer stability, live, the children are far more likely to thrive.
A broken home is also two parents living together unhappily. Very toxic for children.
Word of advice, based on experience. Get contact agreed by solicitor.
Your guilt is offering him complete access.
Once you have moved out, and his anger grows, the kids will suddenly, possibly be used as a weapon. Give the contact some serious thought now.
If you don't do this move, and you've turned it down, your opportunity won't come back for a very long time. Housing is very hard to come by. You will regret it like a huge kick in the stomach.
Your dh will recover when you split. You will NOT if you stay.
You've been offered a life line. Grab it with both hands.
I've been there. Its so uplifting x

I agree, there is no issue. Your home is your home. If he wants to provide them things, he can do it for his home.

Your parents sound so lovely and supportive. You know, it's apparent to me that they've been praying for you to 'see the light' for some time now. I'll bet they're over the moon!

It also sounds to me as if you have a really 'clued in' police department! Not every city is so lucky.

Thanks all. Yes my parents have been amazing, even loaning me their second car so we don't have to keep walking the 45minute to school each way. I feel like I am living in an utter dream and don't want to wake up.

I am going to have a serious sit down and think tonight about what I want to discuss in mediation and with solicitor. I have ideas but I want to plan it all out etc.

@moffa, yes 101 was great. They took my details (including mobile number) but there is also a service online where you can register your mobile number with a local force and you can text (if you can't call) in case of emergency as well. I think I saw it on one of the mumsnet pages.
They said if they get a call about DV then they treat it as if it's the last call they ever get from that person, so take it very seriously. They were very kind and understanding.

Hi all,
Had my initial mediation session today. It went ok, I think. Poor lady was very kind and listened to me. Not sure whether I tell him I have had my session? I don't really want to.
Not sure how I'm doing really. Appetite is a little bit back, still not sleeping great.
Know this was 100% the right thing though, and feel a bit calmer in my chest.
Hope you are all well x
How are you @moffa? X

I’m so pleased for you - well done!

Just updated the other thread. Had my first psychotherapy session today. I feel shattered afterwards - but it was great. A huge relief/release. She was very kind, knowledgeable & supportive and she wants to help me.

She said that everything I told her was textbook domestic abuse. I feel so damaged. Hopefully she will help to start to piece me back together.

Just want to do it now. I do envy you!

Just tell him what you want to, he isn’t your boss now. Xx

Well done @moffa. It's little steps every day that keep you going. Soon you will look back and realise how far you have come.

I bet it actually felt like a massive relief that someone believed you (I still think maybe I have imagined it all - for the record, I haven't).

My eldest DC wanted to stay round exH last night and I said it was fine & apparently he had a great time. He's just said again that he wants to stay around again tonight, and I'm am feeling a little bit gutted about it. I know that it's normal and he just wants to be with both of us (plus we have no internet here yet so he is going a bit bananas), but still, feel a bit sad about it. Not going to show it though - have just said I need a bit of notice to organise and will ask if it's possible.

....maybe this isn't the right thing to say though (we haven't organised specific days / nights yet)

I think it’s probably more down to the internet connection than anything else! X

How are you doing @amicrazy?

Hi @moffa,
Doing OK - had my first worksearch meeting yesterday with UC. I actually feel really positive about it (exH was always reluctant for me to work) so that is something good to work towards.

My eldest DC wanted to go again to dad's last night (literally told me just before he turned up). I'm obviously a bit gutted about it, but we did say to them when we told them that they could stay at either.
My family say I need to be a bit stricter and say school nights here only but I think I am going through that mega guilt phase and am being lenient...after all it's me that's moved them away and caused the upheaval.
Apart from that it's very quiet here. Still not sleeping amazing, but my appetite is back in full force

How are you @moffa? 100% here if you need anything

@moffa - glad you are doing OK

Do you know I haven't once thought whether this was the right thing or not...I know it is the right thing...it's just handling the fall out and consequences in the best way I can, for the kids etc.
I am hoping that it all goes the very best for you, the weeks are slipping away aren't they?!

Sending a big hug x

Since I left I mean. I haven't had any doubts at all whether it was the right thing for me. Just guilt over affecting the children etc.

I totally understand. I definitely want to leave for my own well-being but of course I worry about what is best for the DC. In my heart I know he’s a rubbish dad though so I don’t think I’m depriving them of anything with regards to him. In fact he might have to make a bit more effort to spend time with them. The therapy has made me look back and see that I’ve done so many fun things with the DC (holidays, trips, Disney etc) all by myself. I go to weddings, Christenings, Parties etc all by myself. I socialise alone anyway!

Yes the weeks are ticking away. To be honest it’s not ideal as I’d rather get it done now but I know it will be easier to move my bits of furniture etc with him away. Still feels cruel so I have to remind myself that the therapist said it’s better to be safe.

Have you been on the different together website? On the forum there are some good threads from people who have left. I’m more worried about being someone who stayed than leaving so I guess that is good.

My head feels like spaghetti though!

I’m so glad it’s working out for you. Sending huge hugs xx

Hi @moffa,
Glad it's all going in the right direction, small steps is all it takes.
If you need anything please shout.

Still pootling along here - taking each day as it comes. Appetite is returning and I am sleeping better every night. Also starting to love watching whatever I want at night and going to bed when I want - something that was very difficult before.
Slowly slowly back to me again. Xx

Hi @amicrazy,

How are you doing?

I had my first Solicitor’s appointment yesterday. It was 2 hours long and we covered every potential issue from the children to finances etc. It was really helpful although it looks like I’m going to be pretty poor! She gave me lots of very helpful advice. Once again I came out & felt exhausted- I think it’s all so emotionally draining! Not helped by the fact I’m not sleeping very well.

Second therapist/counselling appointment today. Still veering between feeling strong and then feeling helpless (so strange!) but trying to plough on.

Hope all going well for you xx

Hi @moffa,

Yes all OK, just ticking along really and starting to find my feet a bit more.

I think the next big challenge is exH attending mediation and the fall out from that.

Good news that the solicitors went well & will be thinking of you today with your counselling - all steps in the right direction.

It is exhausting - it's an emotional rollercoaster. When you have your own space and have started actioning everything practically hopefully you will find some space and be able to sleep (I am still struggling a little bit with sleep - but think that is norm for me after years of worry and non-sleep!)

Sending a big hug and xx

Just an update for you.
Everything going OK - starting to relax a bit more and enjoy the house.
Ex H is still coming round most evenings to say night to kids etc. Some nights my eldest wants to go back with him and stay there (stays up later etc) which I have accommodated.
Bit disappointed in mediation lady that she has been taken in by the distraught act from my exH (she has told me he is struggling and not coping) which is exactly as he was in the therapy session we had - that she thinks he can't possibly make decisions on childcare arrangements whilst he is in this frame of mind and she's recommending we give him some time. I said I was shocked as he has not shown me this at all and in fact has been fine every day I have seen him.

Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about this? He was the one who has absolutely insisted on getting mediation set up and sorted (similarly with therapy) and he is again seemingly trying to control it all.

It still makes me feel like I am never going to be free of him.

Oh God I can just imagine my H behaving like this. Just stick to the truth. You’ll get there. Frustrating he is coming around every night - could you suggest one night on, one night off? He’s invading your space. And do you want to do therapy with him?

As you saw on the other thread, I have now left (moved in with my parents) and now H wants to try again, to show me he can be a better husband and father (again). I just feel so much better already. I know there’s tough times ahead but I’m enjoying just relaxing and feeling the relief. Haven’t missed anything about him so far! I really hope I have the strength to see this through. I’m sure I’d be happier on my own forever than with him constantly putting me down!

Keep going @Amicrazy - you’re a xxx

I have been checking back hoping that you would comment! You are doing amazing too, well done lovely.
It's awful - feeling of guilt etc but know what you mean about feeling better. I feel like me for the first time in years. Worried it means I'm selfish but deep down I know it's over for me and MY mental health needs to take priority. Hopefully kids are young enough to not remember much..? Maybe that's wishful thinking. X

I agree, I’ve been thinking a lot about my mental health. I’m totally sure my DC are better off with happy separate parents. Plus I hope that because we are splitting for happiness and not because anyone else is involved, that ultimately we can be great friends and co-parents. Maybe it’s wishful thinking as I’m a few months ahead of him in my thought process. I’m not looking for anyone else, this relationship has damaged me and I definitely need to get back to my normality and focus on DC. I have cried but honestly I feel ok about it all.

My H showed limited interest in the DC and is now missing them. However I’m going to bend over backwards to accommodate him (like you are with H) in the hope he’ll lose interest and go back to his obsession (work). And so he can’t try and say I’ve been obstructive.

One day at a time.

My Dad is a lovely man. He told me to “BE BRAVE”. I thought it was the best advice!

Keep going lovely, we’ll get there