Advice for leaving

[Amicrazyornot]

Hi all,
So earlier this year told my H wanted to seperate. Been together 10+ years, married just over half and 2 DC.
I asked to be put on housing list as I have nothing - no job, savings etc currently. He won't leave as it was my decision to split and he doesn't want to leave kids.

To my surprise I have been offered a new home, with potential for moving in within a week.

I asked him to discuss with me how we could make this as smooth a transition for kids as possible - preferably with a gradual setting up / moving in time as I have nothing.

Hes absolutely furious. Says it's not happening, I can't take the children, this is their home & that I need a solicitor.
I can't just swan off and have no repercussions for ending our marriage.
Lots of other very bitter and hard things to hear - I am destroying my childrens lives, I am manipulative and have lied to get the house (truly haven't) etc

My family want me to leave asap and are willing to give time and money to do so.
I am worried that I will be causing untold damage to my kids (what he tells me will happen) and just so stressed and exhausted from constantly have to defend my choice.

Do I take the opportunity and go for it?
Or do I lose the opportunity and stay here longer until I can get him to be able to speak to me rationally about things & understand this is the way thing will be

You don't have to talk more.

Can you go and stay with your family tonight for a break?

Please take the house. You need to get away from him; he's just trying to wear you down.

I think we do need to talk to sort out how to broach with children and childcare arrangements/access.
I just wish he would listen.
It's making me very ill living here - physically the stress is taking its toll and I am exhausted.

Try not to be in a situation where you're making decisions while exhausted and/or intimidated.

Yes @superloud that is great advice. I don't really have a choice, I guess.
Absolutely bricking it. He's going to say "no they aren't going anywhere" I know it.

Apologies I know I am coming across as pathetic (I can hear it). I have just been worn down so much over the years that I am very doubtful of myself.

This is why you need a break from him. Go away and recharge for a couple of days.

I wish I could.
He has taken the DCs out today and they have had fun. I think they are doing similar tomorrow. I can't bring myself to go or do anything with him there.
I'm sorry - so pathetic of me.

Go and take them with you and sort it from there
Get your families help to do so
Once out get legal advice re contact and financial settlement

Play your cards close to your chest.

Accept the house and all offers of cash and help.

When he's at work gather as much documentation and financial info as possible.

Arrange a van to come and take half of the stuff in the house, especially kids beds, settee, tv etc and personal belongings.

Leave him a note offering reasonable contact to the DC and ask him to contact you via email or through a third party.

Listen to your family.
You need to get out of there asap.
accept the accommodation now.
Do not listen to him beating your down.
Concentrate your energy on your own emotional wellbeing.
It is the scariest time for you right now but believe me you can do it.
You have been given a bloody great lifeline...Take it.

Your family will help you with practical stuff and they know how to help.
He doesn't want to help you at all because he thinks of no one but himself.

Talk to Womens Aid tomorrow when he's out and they will give you advice and strength to get out!

Sadly none of the stuff in this house is mine really. A lot of my stuff has been lost/sold over the years. I have felt like I am slowly disappearing from my own life

My family have been wonderful and have already said they will sort things for me. I am so grateful, I have isolated myself from them over the years and they are still there for me. I don't know why.

I have spoken to women's aid this week and they were very helpful and understanding, but still it's the process of physically doing it that I am struggling with. I still have that voice in my head telling me I am being emotional/ridiculous/ I can't do things without checking / I don't know how good I have it / destroying my children's lives etc

Just have this absolute sick, heavy feeling in my stomach

For me, after we split up, I felt so relieved that the energy kept me going for ages.

would it help for family to keep you company while you physically move out?

Yes @superloud they have said they will be there with me whenever I need.
It's more the actually seeing myself going through with it, that it is ok to do? It's such a big step.
Not looking forward to the discussion after kids go to bed, big ball of nerves.

Good luck with it

I remember feeling ground down and in such low spirits that any kind of creative thought like you describe was very difficult.

Things like a walk in the fresh air or a bit of creativity helped a little.

Have you accepted the housr

No @quartz not able to see it until next week.

@superloud - I agree my one saving Grace has been lots of walking with loud music on.
Still not managed chat as yet.

Amicrazy I am SO pleased to see you doing it! I know exactly how you feel

I said to my mum I feel very cruel just leaving but it’s been good reading the advice on here. Like you, I am happy to live close by and support (even facilitate) H’s relationship with DC (he’ll probably see them more than he does now).

I’m glad I read this thread - my heart races when I think about it!

Just GO FOR IT - you’ve felt like this for a decade, don’t do it for another decade. Start making a dream list - things you want to do, places you want to see. I can’t wait to start living again.

We are here for all the handholds xxx

Please don't think you are pathetic, that's just the way he has managed to make you think, it clearly isn't the real you. Your family know the real you and they have seen what he has done to them. Accept ALL the help they are offering, let them nurture you and your children for a while and you will soon be the old you, not thinking you are pathetic! Don't listen to him he doesn't have YOUR or your children's interest at heart, just his own.

Don't be bullied by him op. He dosent get to tell you what you are allowed to do re leaving. If the chat looks like he is going to be horrible I'd let him think he's maybe got his point across and sort it all on the quiet. He sounds like he's quite a bully and when reading thru your posts I was expecting one saying he's violent or aggressive.

Be careful the most dangerous time is leaving. Get that family support and let them help. It dosent matter if you have no stuff, it's just stuff and you will be surprised how quick you get sorted.
Iv got a right buggered old sofa that came from my nanas mate who dieds house . It's uncomfy and ugly. I'd still rather be sat on that every night that listening to someone tell me what I can and can't do. Good luck

For goodness sake take this opportunity. He is only telling you that it will ruin the children's lives because that 'line's suits him. He knows it might guilt trip you into staying. It's tantamount to blackmailing you. If he really cares about the children then he will work with you to make the transition smooth for them. He's just saying it because he wants what's best for HIMSELF.
I think you have done the hardest part already. You have told him you are leaving. That is the part many struggle with so much. And you've done it.
I think you are braver and stronger than you realise.
Shut your eyes and remember the girl you were before you met. And channel her power and energy!

Thanks all for the kind words. Made me cry. This feels so much harder, I think because it's telling the children (to a certain extent) and changing their lives from what they know.

Last night was a bit of an anti-climax I'm afraid. He fell asleep whilst putting my DC to bed and I could not physically make myself go and wake him up. I was so exhausted I just went to bed.
I know I will need to speak about it today with him though. My stomach is still in absolute knots.
Thank you for all the handholds, words of encouragement and flowers, I am so grateful.

@moffa hello lovely.
Yes, it's all moving pretty quickly which I think is what he is struggling to process and acknowledge.
There's a lot of denial (that it is happening, of things he's said /done, how I'm remembering situations wrong).
It's very psychologically wearing & I am finding it very hard. I thought I was a shell before, but this is terrible.

That's a known tactic, it's called gaslighting. You are not remembering things wrong. Google it!

You know he fell asleep to avoid the subject. Amazing how even with his wife about to leave he can just drop off.

You will feel so much better once you're out.

Look into getting a residence order asap in case he refuses to return dc to you after his contact time.