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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice for leaving

201 replies

Amicrazyornot · 20/02/2019 13:38

Hi all,
So earlier this year told my H wanted to seperate. Been together 10+ years, married just over half and 2 DC.
I asked to be put on housing list as I have nothing - no job, savings etc currently. He won't leave as it was my decision to split and he doesn't want to leave kids.

To my surprise I have been offered a new home, with potential for moving in within a week.

I asked him to discuss with me how we could make this as smooth a transition for kids as possible - preferably with a gradual setting up / moving in time as I have nothing.

Hes absolutely furious. Says it's not happening, I can't take the children, this is their home & that I need a solicitor.
I can't just swan off and have no repercussions for ending our marriage.
Lots of other very bitter and hard things to hear - I am destroying my childrens lives, I am manipulative and have lied to get the house (truly haven't) etc

My family want me to leave asap and are willing to give time and money to do so.
I am worried that I will be causing untold damage to my kids (what he tells me will happen) and just so stressed and exhausted from constantly have to defend my choice.

Do I take the opportunity and go for it?
Or do I lose the opportunity and stay here longer until I can get him to be able to speak to me rationally about things & understand this is the way thing will be

OP posts:
Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 05/03/2019 21:09

I forgot to ask how your day was @moffa - apologies my brain is absolutely everywhere xx

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 05/03/2019 23:16

Can l just say that there is no reason you have to stay ....absolutely none.
You can still go to mediation after moving.
You can speak to the kids on Friday and move on Saturday, enjoy Sunday and be ready for School/work on Monday.
Can l just repeat kindly, YOU CAN JUST GO OP...really it is that simple.

Just take some deep breaths, to quell the panic, it is natural but it will pass, don't be worried by it.. it is to be expected for a while, and thats fine, just take slow deep breaths when you feel scared and shaky and let it pass.

It is fine to just say to him, l am going on Saturday, we will tell the dcs on Friday at 4pm (or whenever), then calmly repeat until he gets it.
If he looses his cool walk away.

Honestly it can be simple if thats what YOU want...sending you handholds..

AcrossthePond55 · 06/03/2019 00:53

Why do you feel you have to stay until mediation? Even if you do, he's going to find another hurdle for you to jump 'before you move out'.

Anything needing doing can be done whilst you are living apart. In fact, it will be better if you're living apart. That way you'll have your own 'space' to return to for quiet thought (or angry outburst) at whatever fuckwittery he's proposing.

Your 'job' is to be happy and help your children be happy. It is NOT NOT NOT to make him happy.

Moffa · 06/03/2019 06:39

I like all that advice!

I can definitely feel ‘the panic’ - so going to try the deep breaths until it passes!

I also feel dreadfully guilty xx

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 06/03/2019 06:54

You are right, of course @dragongirl and @acrossthepond. I think maybe I am still reverting to being conditioned to "tow the line" and need a head wobble.
I am going to speak to him tonight.
@moffa yes I know what you mean, I feel guilty also, mainly about the DC and upsetting their routines/lives but ultimately I have a feeling deep down that they will benefit greatly long term, if I can just ride out these big waves x

OP posts:
Moffa · 06/03/2019 07:07

Me too. Actually I think it will be life changing for them in a very positive way xx

Dragongirl10 · 06/03/2019 07:14

Oh ladies, you are both quite wise you know, underneath the conditioning......please listen to your thoughts and true feelings about your dcs and your future happiness.

OH and kick that guilt firmly out the door...it is useless and has no value.

DishingOutDone · 06/03/2019 12:22

Why do you feel you have to stay until mediation? Even if you do, he's going to find another hurdle for you to jump 'before you move out'.

OP I know exactly how you feel and I can imagine you are hoping that the "mediation", that doing what he wants, will somehow unlock that guilt and it will be ok, or more ok than it is now, and in fact it wont. There will always be another thing that you have to do to make sure its "all fair and legal".

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2019 12:38

It's starting to sound as if you're using waiting for the 'mediation' as an excuse to stay.

If you want to go, just GO!!!

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 06/03/2019 12:47

There is no need to jump through his hoops with waiting for mediation! Just go!

It’s an ongoing process and you can do that after you move.

Best of luck, you’re doing great Flowers

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 06/03/2019 12:54

Is it silly that I am dreading telling the children - maybe that's why I am hesitant, because I feel so dreadful about that?
I definitely don't want to stay, it's just getting enough wherewithall to be brave enough and say "no, this is happening" and take charge.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 06/03/2019 12:56

Guilt is so powerful isn't it.
Just got to take a deep breath I think

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 06/03/2019 15:23

op just think how much better you will feel once you have told them, and make it fun, they can decorate bedrooms put their toys here etc.....

AcrossthePond55 · 06/03/2019 15:25

I'm saying this gently, but why do you need to speak to him at all?

You make your plans and you carry them out. Is there something that he absolutely has to be involved in right now? I mean really involved, like changing direct debits to his own account or something else that he would need to do for himself. The only thing he 'needs' to know is that you are leaving on Saturday (or whenever) and that the children will be available to him on a 'liberal, if convenient' basis until the details get ironed out. And even that I'd only tell him 24 hours in advance, if that.

Tell the children the usual thing, adjusted for age: "Sometimes Mummies and Daddies don't get along anymore, and it's best if they don't live together anymore when that happens. So Daddy and I are going to live separately now. But it doesn't mean that Mummy and Daddy don't love you, we love you to pieces! And it isn't because of anything you've done. Sometimes it just happens with grown ups. If you need to ask questions, that's OK. And if you need to talk, that's OK too".

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 06/03/2019 15:45

Thanks @acrossthepond...some great stuff there. I was speaking to my dad today and I am just highly aware of how awful it was for me when my parents split, but I was 17. So maybe that's why I am stalling, I know that it is a very different situation though and they are significantly younger.
I know I have to do it & it's not the worst step at all, but it's just biting the bullet and doing it.
I will let you know how I get on.

OP posts:
Moffa · 06/03/2019 17:51

Yes thanks @acrossthepond I want to keep things simple for my 4yo. We are moving in to my parents house so it’s a bit of a halfway house. Upsides & downsides to that but the kids love their grandparents so initially I thought I might tell them it’s an extended sleepover but then they might wonder why I’ve brought all their stuff & furniture!

@amicrazy - I think it’s about focusing on the longer term future isn’t it? I try and imagine myself in my future home, happy with the DC, with no sense of dread at H coming home each evening. But right now, it feels like there is a mountain to climb. You are doing so well, keep going xx

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 06/03/2019 21:23

Awful night. Have been threatened with police if I move DC this weekend.
Called me c-word. He apologised later but still, he said it. Blatant gaslighting me to my face, as he is speaking to me, changing what he says& making out I didn't understand or I misheard.

I just want to be free of him. I have solicitor early next week and hopefully I will be able to understand my legal rights.

He says I am unable to provide, he had seen no evidence of me providing better or equal to what he can (I can and have done with help from my family). I won't let him look around property on his own and he had a go at me saying I must have something to hide - no, I just don't want you alone in the new house.

I am just so distraught and feel like a complete idiot - why can't I just leave? Why can't I just be that person that just leaves? There is nothing stopping me apart from the fear of losing my children to him - they are the only thing that has kept me going. There is no point without them.
Im a hopeless, hopeless person.

OP posts:
Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 06/03/2019 22:02

Stay strong, and leave!

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 06/03/2019 22:02

Autism does not excuse abuse.

Moffa · 06/03/2019 22:16

Amicrazy - the LAST thing you are is hopeless. This is hard & you are so, so strong. He can make threats. Just try & be as reasonable as you can. Don’t worry about the DC, they will be with you. Keep all this notes & inform your solicitor there is emotional abuse.

I’m planning to just leave. I feel awful about it but I know I’d get the same behaviour. I’m glad I have the NHS medical assessment that referred me to the domestic abuse team as I’m hoping that medical trail will support my reasons for leaving. My H will be difficult too. But then we know the reasons behind that.

Just keep going, don’t involve him any more than necessary & don’t worry about what he says. Think long term.

We can do this Flowers. And next year hopefully we can message each other about how much better life is.

crystalize · 06/03/2019 22:32

From what I understand once the abuser knows you are serious and ready to leave, their actions escalate.. exactly what has happened here. It can get worse. You are not hopeless, you're the opposite!! Is he at work tomorrow? Seriously just pack up and go. Whats the worse that could happen? As for his vile name calling and threats... ignore ignore ignore. Also once you move out... ignore for at least a while, it feels good. Believe in yourself you can do it!!!

crystalize · 06/03/2019 22:38

Good luck to you too Moffa. Don't inform him of when you're leaving, just do it first then deal with it after. Saves a lot of misery. These idiots don't deserve the courtesy of discussing things first, they are incapable of understanding. All they feel is incredulous you dared to leave them!

DishingOutDone · 07/03/2019 00:35

Keep the kids off school tomorrow, pack up and go, go to your parents if necessary - there is nothing he can do. Tell the police yourself and make sure they know you are being controlled and coerced by him. Tell the school. Get a non-molestation order. Have you got things you need like bank statements and passports, birth certificates etc?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2019 00:49

This is why you should not talk to him. He will never let you go peacefully. Never.

At this point, I think you need to seriously consider a 'midnight flit'. It will be the safest and most peaceful way for you and for the children. Talk to your family and see if it can be arranged to get you & the children out of the house when he is gone. Now that he knows you're serious and have a place to go, he's going to be very alert.

We had to do this with a friend who's ex told her "You will leave when I give you permission to leave". We had my DH (who was on her side) get him out of town overnight for a 'guy's camping trip' and we moved her, her son, and half the household furnishings out in about 5 hours.

She made a mental list of exactly what she wanted to take and where it was in the house then pared it down to the minimum. She got what she could out of the house beforehand, small things he wouldn't notice and 'things she was taking to the charity shops'. And about an hour after he and DH left we were there with 2 cars, a pickup truck, and 3 strong guys. We moved things as fast as we could and put them in her new place helter-skelter, to be unpacked and 'arranged' later. Her mum watched her son whilst all this was going on and she simply took him to 'his new home' that evening.

As far as the children, 'possession is 9/10ths of the law' until you have a court order. What this means is that once you have them out of the house, he can't call the police and say you've 'kidnapped them', nor will the police remove them from your custody. But remember that this works two ways. If you send the DC to him for a visit, he does not have to return them and there will be nothing you can do if he doesn't. So bear this in mind when you're deciding where and how to do visits. Also, remember that this does not apply to your family members. If you drop the DC off with your parents, for instance, they are required by law to turn the DC over to him if he demands it. This is why it's imperative that you get legal proceedings going ASAP, at least as far as the children's residency and access are concerned.

You really, really have to get this over with. Yes I know it's hard, but it needs to be done. Time to kick the tyres and light the fires.

ElleVee93 · 07/03/2019 00:49

I think if you stay you will only end up resenting him and the situation would only het worse. Take this oppirtunity. Ot may be the case that lkving apart does you both some good and things improve. It may be the opposite but after reading all the messages I think you know what the right thing is to do. You say about waiting to see if things improve but all that does is give false hope and it's really not fair on you. You get 1 life so get out there and live it. You're doing the right thing and I really hope things improve for you x

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