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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice for leaving

201 replies

Amicrazyornot · 20/02/2019 13:38

Hi all,
So earlier this year told my H wanted to seperate. Been together 10+ years, married just over half and 2 DC.
I asked to be put on housing list as I have nothing - no job, savings etc currently. He won't leave as it was my decision to split and he doesn't want to leave kids.

To my surprise I have been offered a new home, with potential for moving in within a week.

I asked him to discuss with me how we could make this as smooth a transition for kids as possible - preferably with a gradual setting up / moving in time as I have nothing.

Hes absolutely furious. Says it's not happening, I can't take the children, this is their home & that I need a solicitor.
I can't just swan off and have no repercussions for ending our marriage.
Lots of other very bitter and hard things to hear - I am destroying my childrens lives, I am manipulative and have lied to get the house (truly haven't) etc

My family want me to leave asap and are willing to give time and money to do so.
I am worried that I will be causing untold damage to my kids (what he tells me will happen) and just so stressed and exhausted from constantly have to defend my choice.

Do I take the opportunity and go for it?
Or do I lose the opportunity and stay here longer until I can get him to be able to speak to me rationally about things & understand this is the way thing will be

OP posts:
GetRid · 03/03/2019 08:53

Yes, you can still do the mediation AFTER you've moved out!

Also, getting a solicitor should be number one on your to do list.

Dragongirl10 · 03/03/2019 10:03

I second speaking to a solicitor asap op, but , well done and yes you are so close, so stay calm and keep going.

ThunderThighs123 · 03/03/2019 10:34

Stick to your guns and follow your instincts. When in doubt, imagine yourself in 5 or 10 years’ time. What would your future self say to you? How would you explain your decisions today? Make your decision in the knowledge that you are building yourself a better future.

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 04/03/2019 11:38

Quiet evening last night. Just needed to sleep as still so very exhausted. Slowly working through the to-do list.
Hope you are all well x

OP posts:
Moffa · 04/03/2019 12:00

Flowers amicrazy. You’re doing so well.

I definitely feel like I’m on a rollercoaster! X

DishingOutDone · 04/03/2019 15:45

Am I the only one thinking this mediation is not going to happen? Have you seen the confirmed appointment OP, or been told who the organisation involved is? There's no way they would have told him to prevent you leaving so as to make sure its all "legal and fair".

You can get a half hour free appointment with a solicitor this week.

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 04/03/2019 17:05

Yes I totally agree @dishing.
It always seems to be some kind of excuse. I have completed the shared parental agreement form I found on the cafcass website and there is nothing on there that is concerning to me. The more rigid things are the harder the kids will find it.
Am on it with the solicitor - got a list all ready to go, phone calls tomorrow when kid not around. I am irrationally nervous about doing it, so think that is why I have procrastinated on it. Looking deeper it's because I usually have to get "permission" and I am starting to get used to not have. It's gonna be a long road, isn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 04/03/2019 17:06

Just to clarify I mean rigid as in - strict dates / time, no inflexibility etc. Although I am aware it may come to that.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 04/03/2019 17:14

AMICRAZYORNOT....just remember you are an adult and make your own decisions....no person has the right to tell you to do/not do anything....

He is not your boss
He is not your keeper
He is definately not God!!

You decide what you want your and Dcs life to be going forwards....keep practicing doing what you want it gets easier and easier!

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 04/03/2019 17:19

Thanks @dragongirl10...I am really trying Smile just trying to concentrate on small steps everyday. If I look back to Xmas I genuinely can't believe where I am now.
I think I will feel more comfortable with new freedom when I am in the new house for good.

OP posts:
Moffa · 04/03/2019 17:29

Excited for you - I can’t wait for you to be in the new house either! Flowers

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 04/03/2019 17:42

@moffa - hope you are OK. The other thread is getting a bit much for me. So will just hide here i think Confused

Hope you are OK xxx

OP posts:
Moffa · 04/03/2019 17:45

I think I’ll join you here! Brew

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 04/03/2019 18:16

And me! I've messaged MNHQ, but no idea if they will do anything.

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 04/03/2019 23:09

Ooh it's really kicked off on that other thread!

Moffa · 05/03/2019 06:44

Amicrazy - just keep going! It’s so hard but just imagine yourself this time next year. It will be worth it.

How is he being?

The other thread is devastating. Totally triggering for me too. How ironic that now rather than being supportive it represents exactly what this life is like.

Soverytired - you tried your best Flowers but it fell on deaf ears.

H has been perfectly agreeable in the tiny amount of time he’s been home this week. I’m exhausted - hard to sleep while trying to make decisions & plan.

I’m hoping the solicitors meeting will give me some clarity. As well as the counselling.... but there’s a 4-6 week wait now for that. I’ve been assessed & assigned to the domestic abuse team. I’m not sure it’s a perfect fit, so much more to it than just domestic/emotional abuse but hopefully they will be helpful.

Moffa · 05/03/2019 06:47

Ps Amicrazy - I agree with above, I’d try & see a solicitor for a chat before mediation- just for advice. You want to make sure whatever agreed is fair for both of you (but particularly you as the main parent) xx

boxlikeamarchhare · 05/03/2019 06:51

Hello Moffa, AmICrazy and everyone else from the other thread. I hid it a few days ago as I found it just reflected what goes on at home after being hijacked - shame, none of us need any additional conflict 💐.

Keep going, just keep going.

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 05/03/2019 06:54

It's top of my list for today @moffa Smile
I also have a GP appointment today as I am still not feeling great (very up and down).

He is being OK with me currently, I just find him very hard to approach as he is always so adamant he knows best.

Hope your solicitor goes well.

Sending you all Flowers

Hope you have a calm day xx

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 05/03/2019 07:59

Wishing everyone a good day..

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 05/03/2019 11:31

Best of luck!

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 05/03/2019 20:44

How is everyone?

Finally have a solicitor appt - but it is early next week Confused
Going to chase up some others to see if can get any sooner.
He has come back with some potential mediation dates, but shock they are all at the end of the month.
I really really wanted to speak to kids and be out before that. Had my heart set on this weekend. I have completed a first draft of the shared parental agreement form and sent to him.
Feel stuck again. Why can't I just be brave!

OP posts:
Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 05/03/2019 20:50

My plan is tomorrow to ring more solicitors to see if I can get advice on phone / sooner appt. Call my own mediation people and get an appointment this week (will beg if I need to).
Then present him with it all tomorrow and say I want to go this weekend.
Does that sound feasible?
I'm not sure I am thinking clearly, so panicked about having to stay here.

OP posts:
Moffa · 05/03/2019 20:53

You are brave.

Early next week is ok for solicitor. I had a 3 week wait (partly because I can only do certain days). It gives you a chance to get things together & write a list of questions do you get the most out of it.

I’d outline:

  1. Reasons for divorce (in brief)
  2. Kids & custody plans
  3. Assets & Liabilities
  4. Questions to ask about all the above.

Obviously haven’t done it myself yet so any posters with experience might have other things to add.

It’s terrifying isn’t it? You’re doing just fine xxx

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 05/03/2019 21:03

Thanks @moffa..yes you are right it's terrifying. Will try to see it as an opportunity to get my thoughts together and get the most out of it.

Just panicking as it feels like I am trapped again. He will never be happy with anything I suggest - however it just seems he is prolonging the inevitable? X

OP posts: