Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice for leaving

201 replies

Amicrazyornot · 20/02/2019 13:38

Hi all,
So earlier this year told my H wanted to seperate. Been together 10+ years, married just over half and 2 DC.
I asked to be put on housing list as I have nothing - no job, savings etc currently. He won't leave as it was my decision to split and he doesn't want to leave kids.

To my surprise I have been offered a new home, with potential for moving in within a week.

I asked him to discuss with me how we could make this as smooth a transition for kids as possible - preferably with a gradual setting up / moving in time as I have nothing.

Hes absolutely furious. Says it's not happening, I can't take the children, this is their home & that I need a solicitor.
I can't just swan off and have no repercussions for ending our marriage.
Lots of other very bitter and hard things to hear - I am destroying my childrens lives, I am manipulative and have lied to get the house (truly haven't) etc

My family want me to leave asap and are willing to give time and money to do so.
I am worried that I will be causing untold damage to my kids (what he tells me will happen) and just so stressed and exhausted from constantly have to defend my choice.

Do I take the opportunity and go for it?
Or do I lose the opportunity and stay here longer until I can get him to be able to speak to me rationally about things & understand this is the way thing will be

OP posts:
Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 23/02/2019 18:59

@bullyingadvice - yes I had thought it was something like that for a while.

@cantstopmenow Will have a look

I am not looking forward to tonight at all.

I have a feeling I will not be able to take the house and will be stuck here indefinitely.

The kids have been upset today as they are not used to seeing me so down/rough/upset as it's really making me quite ill.

OP posts:
kbPOW · 23/02/2019 19:07

You can and should take the house. It sounds like he has messed with your head so much that you don't know which way is up. Don't give up. I know it's terrifying but you won't regret it. I left the same situation. There is no way you can leave amicably. He's lying and gaslighting you and whenever you leave he will blame you and hate you.

Nat6999 · 23/02/2019 19:16

Take the house, accept every offer of help, financial & physical. Get an appointment with a solicitor to start divorce/separation proceedings, find out where you stand, sign up to universal credit, it takes 5 weeks to get any money but the quicker you sign up, the quicker you will get some money. Collect birth certificates, passports, take photos of your husband's pay slips, bank statements & any evidence of him squirelling money away. Get some cash together, best way is get cashback every time you go shopping, it's not obvious that way what you are doing. Try & slip some belongings for you & your children out while your husband is at work, leave them at family or friends. Once you have signed for your house, recruit as much help as you can & move out while he is at work, take essentials, kids beds, whatever you can manage to get out. Ask your solicitor to not serve any papers until you have moved out. Get a second SIM card for your mobile for family & friends to use to contact you, that way you don't have to listen or read the rants from your husband, just put your regular SIM in a couple of times a week to answer any civil communications. Good luck with your new life.

Dragongirl10 · 23/02/2019 19:23

Op stop overthinking, TAKE THE HOUSE, it sounds perfect, so close the Dcs can see their dad so easily.

Do everything Nat 6999 says, she is spot on.

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 23/02/2019 23:16

So I have said that I want to see the house and if it's good I want to take it.

He has said he wants to speak to a mediator before I move with the DC or we talk about situation to DC, to make sure everything is legal and fair. I have agreed but said this needs to happen sooner rather than later as the home situation is untenable. I need some time to get everything set up for the DC (with family help) so hopefully the timescales will work.

He said I'm in lala land and not acting like a grown up. He is not happy I have spoken to and have support of family & thinks they are behind this all (as I am completely incapable of knowing my own mind).

He is also wanting to go to counselling so that we can be amicable. I have said this isn't really a priority at the moment and am not keen on it (last experience of therapy with him was not good).

So. I am not much further on. But it is something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 23/02/2019 23:16

Thank you for all your hand holding and support. I am not clear yet but I am one step closer.

OP posts:
TowandaForever · 23/02/2019 23:38

At every point he is trying to control you and make you move at the pace he dictates.

Cherrysoup · 23/02/2019 23:41

Take the house. If you don’t feel safe, go along with what your dh says whilst making plans to get put. He can’t physically look after them, can he, while he works, so he will need to let you take them. As you won’t be far, you can organise him having contact very frequently. Don’t let the 🏠 slip away.

kbPOW · 23/02/2019 23:52

You don't need his consent to end the relationship and you don't have to break up in a way defined by him. Everything he wants is about him trying to regain control. If you take the house and go with the DCs and it's mistake and you're able to work things out, you can give it up again (it won't happen). I can imagine the difficulty you had with him in counselling!

Weenurse · 23/02/2019 23:54

Take the house.
Accept help from your family.
Deal with everything else later.

Hotterthanahotthing · 24/02/2019 00:01

Go and see your GP as well,I had some antidepressants for a few months it helped me sleep and got rid of that knot in my stomach .
I'm glad your family is behind you,lean on them and accept help.Tell friends, it's amazing how many people know something is wrong and help you.
I hope the house is nice and it will take time but you can make it home.

saccade · 24/02/2019 03:04

The usernameyou have chosen is

Amicrazyornot.

Answer:

No, you are not.

You don’t owe him any discussions; and, counselling with him will be an actively harmful waste of time as will any discussion, which he will just use as an opportunity to make you question your sanity again. That is his only motivation for ‘discussion’ with you. He is not a reasonable human being. He is not capable of a rational discussion about the future. He does not want the best for you, or for your children. He wants the best for him alone.

Imagine the tranquility of being in your own space with your children, a calm, loving environment in which everybody can be lighthearted and be themselves. Picture it now. This is the best decision for your children.

You do not owe him a discussion

Nothing good, for you or for your children, can come of a discussion with him

Take the house.

Don’t look back.

Moffa · 24/02/2019 08:04

PLEASE TAKE THE HOUSE!

This is your chance to be free FlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 24/02/2019 17:12

Evening all. I have had a better day today - not feeling so ill - maybe the sun has helped.
H has mentioned in passing today that he wants to speak again tonight about mediation - he has been contacting some services to try and get it sorted and plans for Monday. I am suspicious as to why he is being so cordial and proactive (maybe this is me overthinking things).
Does anyone have any advice about mediation - what to expect, what to prepare etc?
Thanks for all your support and advice, I really am so very grateful x

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 24/02/2019 17:34

Op if you feel you have to go to mediation, but please keep in mind he is doing everything he can to keep you right now....this sounds like a last ditch attempt to put you back where he wants you....only go there if it is truly what you want deep down.

Keep planning on moving ahead with the house this may be your only shot.

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 24/02/2019 17:56

@dragongirl - yes, sadly, I know.
I am still going ahead with house. My mental health depends on it.
I know this will be the only way to get him to see it is in the kids best interest (he just doesn't seem to hear what I say or respect my opinion).
I'm aware I sound pathetic and a doormat and I am really truly going to work on it.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 24/02/2019 18:00

If it was me I would talk things through with a solicitor and if they thought mediation was a good idea, ask them to recommend one.

I don't think you should be passive and go to whichever one he finds.

He sounds like he's able to manipulate you and I don't think that bodes well for mediation.

CantStopMeNow · 24/02/2019 19:32

The whole time you're prevaricating he could be secretly getting legal advice for a residence order himself.
Mediation etc could just be him buying time.

Dragongirl10 · 24/02/2019 21:04

So glad you are moving forward with the house op, do not trust ANYTHING he says, trust your own gut feelings, however small, listen...or look for support on here is you have no one in RL to ask.

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 24/02/2019 21:11

Thanks. He's been horrid tonight. Trying to get me to reschedule as he doesn't want me to take one of the DCs. I am fully aware he is just trying to control it all and said some ridiculous things.

Women's aid said I would be eligible for legal aid as on benefits and I need to go to the GP to get entitled for that - is there something I should be asking for specifically?

OP posts:
user764329056 · 24/02/2019 21:21

OP imagine if you don’t take the house and nothing changes, does the thought of more years of this unhappiness make you feel more sick than the thought of change? Honestly very quickly you will be so relieved that you made the decision to make this change for the better, you will rediscover yourself and in many ways you are in a better position than so many others as you have a loving family to support you and potentially a new home. Go to GP and tell him/her all that is going on, a course of antidepressants could very well be the crutch you need for a short time. Do the right thing OP, you won’t regret it but you will regret not doing it. Sending love and strength x

kbPOW · 24/02/2019 22:29

In mediation they try and get a compromise. When you're dealing with someone completely unreasonable that's a problem. You cannot meet him half way or indeed anywhere along the way because he's completely unreasonable. For example I felt pressurised in mediation to accept maintenance lower than the legal minumum. I declined. You have to be able to sit there between ex and the mediator and say NO. Or you don't go.

Ella2103 · 25/02/2019 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 25/02/2019 15:22

So saw the house and it is fantastic
Have got the keys and family is filling it this week for me.
I am completely in bits and overwhelmed, so grateful.
Next step is speaking to him about plans tonight and sorting access (via mediation or not) and then telling children in the next week or so.
Anyone any advice?

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 25/02/2019 18:15

Well done op how exciting for you!

I would just make it an exciting adventure for the dcs if you can frame it that way, ie you will have 2 bedrooms, and this one you can choose the colour etc....

I would make it very clear to him that whatever his feeling he is not to involve the Dcs in any negative way, do you think he will be difficult?